I don't know how it really is just now hitting me that, yes, I am pregnant with twins, and yes, they will have to exit my body at some point. The "some point" is the item that I have been ignoring because surgery seems to be winning over the more familiar form of childbirth for me. Maybe I should be thankful that my doctor is already talking about a c-section. After all, the boys have been breech now for the last 8 weeks and I know that for certain I do not want to labor and push one out and then still have to have a c-section for the other. I guess that really does fall under worst case scenario. For some reason, the idea of it all just seems overwhelming. Is it wrong to say that I have never felt more fulfilled as when pushing a child into this world? For surrogacy, it takes it up a notch even higher to bring forth this child and watch the moment when the baby is handed to the parents. I don't want to miss that and surgery seems like it would take it all away.
I got the call yesterday that my doctor wanted to go ahead and schedule. All along she had been optimistic about waiting until 32-33 weeks to see if the boys would turn--really if just baby A would turn as she was confident that having the lower baby head down was all I needed to get the "go" for the vaginal delivery. I have now seen two different doctors since last seeing my own doctor so maybe I will feel better after talking with her tomorrow. The other kicker is that my doc had been talking 36 weeks all along and now the dates that are being considered for surgery will put me at 37weeks2-5days. Don't get me wrong, I want those boys to cook for as long as possible and that date is fine, but I wish she had told me I would need to do all the way to 39 weeks then surprised me with something in week 37.
At 30 weeks pregnant, my belly measures what it did at 38 weeks with my last pregnancy. So as big as I am now, I only had one more week to go. This go round, I have another 7 weeks left to get even larger. My plan is to work another four weeks if I can. Work has make this pregnancy fly by (house hunting/buying/moving and the kids have had something to do with it too) and I am hoping to stay active as long as possible. It is getting harder and harder just to get dressed in the morning and by the time I have showered, done my make up and hair, gotten the kids breakfast...I am exhausted. But when I show up to the office, I can still be productive. If I were at home I am sure I would be resting more, but I would have nothing at all to show for it.
The next few weeks will be busy and I hope my body continues to plug along showing no signs of change. My children start school in less than a week, so this weekend will be filled with back to school preparations. The following weekend my baby sister gets married and we will be busy celebrating from the rehearsal dinner to the wedding, followed by the reception. My kids are both in the wedding and I am something of an "honorary" bridesmaid. I didn't want to let my sister down if I was unable to stand up with her, but I am getting my hair done and have a dress that coordinates wonderfully with the other bridesmaids. I will just sit myself in the front row wondering where the last ten years have gone since she was just a kid in my own wedding.
I guess there is a lot of reality hitting around here lately, beyond just the pregnancy. My baby just turned 6. Birthdays make me think of birth and since I do tend to be very sentimental, I always think back to the moment my children enter the world. She came into this world so much easier than her brother. One push and here she was...with me from the moment she was born. Not whisked away to the NICU or handed off to her parents, but mine. She was the baby that was born to me and put to my chest right away. With her birth, everything was perfect. My husband and I had her all to ourselves and in that moment saw our family was complete. I never had a defining moment with her where I knew all was going to be okay because nothing was ever going wrong. My role as a mom changed that day when I had two children to take care of and knew my world would be different from now on.
I am thankful that my own children are happy and healthy and that I am blessed enough to give someone else their own children to cherish. I know in my heart that even if I don't get to see these boys delivered directly to their mother's arms, that I will still have created a family and done something very special. The reality is that two people have waited ten years to have their own children and I am going to make that moment happen.
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