One week later…moving forward

Its been a week since coming home from the hospital.  A week back in reality with the surrogacy behind me and my own life moving forward.  It is a very strange situation to be in…glad to have my own children around me, to play and feel free again, but different too.  I have seen another side of things, I have been in the midst of an experience that so many people go through first hand but I got to go through from the sidelines.  I feel thankful that I got to spend the last week resting and enjoying the spring break with everyone home.  The idea of recovering at home with small children and a newborn just seems completely daunting and overwhelming and I am glad that was not the situation.  I do not feel any sense of loss at all.  I do not feel like I gave away any part of me or that I did anything wrong.  I feel free and sometimes that can be huge too.  I can do anything I want today because I don’t have to worry about J&M’s baby girl.  I have a huge weight off my shoulders and that is what I am struggling with…I do well feeling weighted and grounded, having a purpose. 

My purpose now just shifts, I guess.  The people that need me most are the ones in my house, in front of me.  The people that need me most are my friends and family that have stood by through the last year and offered so much love and support.  I need to repay that kindness somehow and hopefully I can figure out a way to let everyone know how much it meant to have each of them in my life.  Through my blog, maybe everyone will get an idea of how I could not have done this on my own and should I ever go down this path again, that I will need them just as much.   I realized how many wonderful people I do have in my life and how lucky I am. 

Physically I am doing well. I can still over do it and notice soreness and heaviness in parts that should just be unnoticed. I think my insides are trying to stretch back out to their normal locations after being mashed up for so long.  It took about four days for all my swelling to go down and be able to wear all my shoes and rings.  It also took about four days for my milk to come in, so that has been a journey in itself. Apparently years ago there was a drug they could give you but after learning of many ill-effects from it, they no longer offer it.  I am still working through the milk thing, but luckily the pain of it all is subsiding now.  I have 16 pounds out of 41 left to lose. I feel almost normal.  I was wearing my “big” capri’s yesterday and I count that as a win! My belly has a long way to go before summer, but I feel like it is possible to get back to my old body to go with my old life—except that “old” is a word that doesn’t describe where I feel like both my body and my life are headed.  I guess my new body will go with my new life as I take charge of what is around me and move it forward so that it doesn’t just pass me by.

What's involved with making a baby?

So I have spent the last few weeks mainly focused on the surrogacy and to sort of wrap that up in a nice little package, figured I would make a little list of what is involved in making a baby...at least when you go down the path of IVF.  Of course, I only have half of the list because there was a list of things involved in harvesting the eggs, but that happened years ago in this case...

For anyone that is curious, I needed the following to make this baby:
      38 Lupron Injections in my stomach
      98 Estrogen patches
      47 Progesterone shots in my backside--most courtesy of my husband
      15 Progesterone suppositories
      10 assorted pills--antibiotics, muscle relaxers before transfer
      
We were very lucky too...this was for a single cycle of IVF.  The progesterone shots did continue through the first few weeks of pregnancy as did the estrogen patches, but as anyone can see, a lot goes into making a baby these days.

I wish it never had to get to this point, but for so many people it really does.  I have completely had my eyes opened to what can be necessary when nature doesn't take the course we all hope for.

The Birth Story

So here is my story...
I woke up on Sunday morning around 3am with a huge contraction. I have been having contractions for weeks but this was a whole new level. I had been worried that I wouldn't know when things became real...there was no doubt that things were switching from practice to productive. :-)  I shifted in the bed and went back to sleep until almost 4am when another huge contraction hit.  Deciding that I might want to move around, I got out of bed and went downstairs.  Time was passing slowly and I was on the verge of heading back to bed when another contraction hit (4:20am), then again (4:41am).  For some reason that last contraction was like a green light that things were starting.  The contractions had gone from 20 minutes, down to 7, 5 and 3 minutes apart all in single sequence. By 5:14am I was texting Meagan, my labor coach, that she might want to get ready because something was definitely going on.  I was so excited to actually be going into labor since I was induced with my kids and had an induction on the books with this baby too.

By the time we get checked in at the hospital around 6:45am, the contractions had been a consistent 3-5 minutes apart lasting at least a minute. I was getting worried that this was still going to be pretend and I would still be at 2cm--but I was at 5cm!! Yay! We were heading up to a room.  I texted my IPs when we got to the hospital but hadn't heard back from them yet.  I was starting to get anxious that things were moving quickly and they weren't there.  We finally heard back from them...new phones and things not working right, but they were headed on over!!

By 7:45am, I was 7cm and waiting on my epidural.  Mom and Dad had arrived and everything was moving in slow motion for me. I had no idea that it was only an hour after getting to the hospital. I was trying to breathe through my contractions and have extra pressure applied to my hips but I couldn't take it. I had hoped to go natural but I figure getting to 7cm was as much natural as I needed and now it was time to relax. By 8am I had my epi and was feeling so much better.  I could still move my feet and feel a little pressure so I was pleased with how it was taking. My hips didn't feel like my legs were being pulled out of socket and I could actually look at people in my room. :-)  I don't think I said anything to the IPs for the first 20 minutes they were in the room.  I could barely do more than breathe through the contraction before another one hit. 

After the epi, the room was completely different. We were all talking about the pregnancy and everyone was getting so excited about the birth.  The epi did lower my blood pressure so I had some moments of feeling faint and nauseated.  The nurse was able to give me some medicine in my IV to help and about 10 minutes later I was feeling really good. The doc broke my water around 9:30am as I was still around 7cm. At 10:30am we were at 9cm and things started getting busy around the room.  The parents changed into gowns so they could do skin-to-skin with the baby after the birth.  We were all talking and laughing waiting to get the go to push.  I was absolutely giddy at this point.  It seemed so surreal that we were all sitting in a delivery room waiting on a miracle.

At 11:19am, we started pushing.  I couldn't feel as much as with my daughter and being almost five years since doing this last, I wasn't sure exactly what to do...luckily it is like riding a bike and after a few odd feeling pushes I got the hang of it.  The IPs were holding my feet and got to witness the birth of their daughter at 11:35am.  The baby's shoulders did get stuck behind my pelvic bone, so the doc had to deliver one arm after her head and give her a little twist (with help from a nurse pushing on my belly) but then she slid right out.  It was a little stressful when the nurse asked the dad to sit down so she could climb up on me.  The baby was a little purple but wiggling and making noises. The doc put her directly into her mother's arms and daddy cut the cord.  It was the most amazing sight I have ever witnessed.

The IPs were collecting cord blood, so the doc harvested that from the cord, it only took a few minutes, but apparently I had fabulous blood flow even after all our placenta problems second trimester. She could have filled two containers if she had them!  The placenta was delivered next, then I was stitched (and stitched and stitched).  I had a second degree tear along the scar line from my son's birth--he got stuck too and I had a pretty bad tear then.  I was up walking around probably about two hours after the birth.  The baby, IPs and I spent all that time together in the labor/delivery room.  I am so glad I had that time to watch them snuggle their daughter and think about all that had just happened. We were all shocked when the nurse read out the baby's weight although you could tell she was a good size.  I honestly felt like a rock star for carrying her and getting her out so quickly. 

I left the hospital after 24 hours and it was almost surreal to think of all that had happened in such a short period of time.  The nurses kept coming in asking how I was feeling about everything now that I had given birth and I felt so much better. I always had a good feeling and knew that this baby girl was so loved and would be given everything she ever needed...but seeing those first moments with her and her parents, made any every ache, every day of stress, completely worth it. 

The IPs brought the baby in to visit that first night in the hospital and came to hang out with me the next morning while the baby got checked out.  I have gotten texts and pictures every day, which was more than I expected.  We do plan to stay in touch but I remember those first few days after birth being a total blur--but I guess part of that is trying to recover, learning to breastfeed (which they don't have to worry about), and getting to know the baby.  I do find myself more interested in the baby than I thought I would be...not in a "I want her" kind of way, but definitely in that "my best friend had a baby and I want to hear all the details" kind of way.  I also have two friends that are pregnant and due in the next couple of months, so babies are everywhere in my world. 

I feel so much love all around me.  My own group of family and friends have been so vocal with their support and the IPs have been amazing.  I spent so much of this pregnancy feeling like surrogacy wasn't really this huge deal that everyone seems to think it is--I am simply a mom that was willing to help someone else realize the same dream.  But somehow in the labor, delivery, and meeting that new baby, it occurred to me how huge this process really is.  I may never again do something so life changing. How many things can you do in your life that would have the same impact? I am just a regular person but I did something extraordinary.  We are all different than other people in some way and giving this gift truly is so much bigger than I let myself think about while pregnant.  I definitely understand how some surrogates can do this over and over, but can also see how one time would be enough.  I am still trying to decide if I will pursue another journey. I know I want to wait at least a year so I can enjoy every holiday and celebration with my family as well as get stronger physically. My kids are so happy to have me back and have enjoyed meeting the baby and seeing all the photos that the IM has texted me.  There was never a thought in their minds that we would have the baby, so I haven't had any questions or concerns brought up by them.

**As a side note, my IPs are medical professionals so I was fine with them literally watching and being a part of the birth.  Not sure if I would have wanted just anyone being that involved but I had no fear of them fainting or being anything less than professional.  

Labor!

I have never gone into labor on my own.  I had plenty of braxton hicks contractions with all three pregnancies but never experience painful contraction after painful contraction...until now.  I am happy to know my body does indeed know how to get a child out of me without medication, but disappointed that what I had attributed to pitocin was actually just how things go! 

I labored in my hips with my children and figured since baby A had dropped a few weeks ago, maybe that hip pain would be reduced or gone altogether--WRONG!  I don't know what I would have done in the beginning without Meagan there to offer counter pressure while I was in the bed.  I really don't think I could have delivered that baby without an epidural.  The entire atmosphere of the room changed from being tense and pain-ridden to be a joyful excitement about the birth.

I thank Meagan for the continued updates to my husband and our friend Catey...for now I have a wonderful timeline of how the day progressed.

4/17/11

3am It all started when I woke up in the midst of a huge contraction that tightened across my abdomen, through my back and down my legs.  That was completely new and different from anything I have felt over the last few weeks. Holy cow.
4am Another contraction just like the one an hour ago. Out of bed to sort of walk around and see if this might be another morning of contractions that only manage to leave me exhausted the rest of the day.
4:20am Okay I get it, something might be happening here
4:41am Spent some time in the bathroom between that last contraction and the one that just hit. Things aren’t close together but definitely noticeable.
4:48am, 4:53am, 4:56am, 4:59am, 5:04am, 5:08am, 5:10am, 5:13am Hmmm. I would say that they are getting closer together. Time to check in with Meagan (and this is where her timeline takes over!)
5:13am - (text from Amity) Contractions. Up for a possible quick trip to L&D? They are still anywhere from 3-5 minutes and it hasn't been an hour but they hurt. 
5:56am - Meagan called to say she was in the neighborhood. We head off to the hospital chatting nicely while the contractions are still coming pretty steadily.


Then my progress updates began (from Meagan to Dave & Catey):
6:46am - being admitted...
6:54am - room 165
7:19am - (to Catey) dude, you coming? cuz the baby is!
7:21am - am's a trooper... on the 20 min monitor right now. more to come. 5cm 45 min ago.
7:27am - she's doing well, iv-ed up, awaiting an epidural as patiently as one in the throes of labor can. j&m are here. keep you posted!
7:47am - epidural is on its way. she's 7cm.
8:07am - epidural is in, she's a trooper!
9:12am - still at 7cm at last check. when the dr gets here they'll probably break her water. for now, though, she's got a popsicle and seems to be enjoying the epidural!
9:29am - still 7cm, water is broken, things are progressing well, now we just wait!
10:33am - at a 9 now... doing well!
10:57am - mom & dad are suiting up, baby warmer is on, pushing starts soon! after they're all done thanking each other :-)
11:19am - pushing begins!
11:35am - baby is here! 9lbs, 12oz, 20 & 3/4 inches, 14 inch head, big, fat cheeks, 2 happy parents, and one delighted surrogate!


I think that sums up labor pretty well!

And here she is!

Miss A.J.F was born at 11:35am April 17th, 2011. She weighed 9lbs12oz and was 20.75inches long.  Not too bad for 39w1d. She has a head full of dark hair and is simply beautiful. Her parents are absolutely in love and I can honestly say that this experience was something I will treasure forever.

A Little Background

As the end of my surrogacy journey nears its end, more and more people have been asking about the beginning.  How does someone decide she wants to be a surrogate? As I have said before I feel lucky, fortunate, incredibly blessed to have my children and to have had them so easily.  I understood how lucky I was to want a baby and then nine months later deliver one.  I have seen infertility in small ways from the sidelines, but never knew the knitty-gritty of it all.

I felt called to be a surrogate but being a very logical, organized person, I could not make a step like this without doing enough research to write a novel!  I read blogs and joined online forums. I wanted to see how other families had handled with the ups and downs, the emotions, the medications involved--growing someone else's child and handing it over at the end.  I also decided that in order to understand where the intended parents (IPs) were coming from, I needed to peek into the world of infertility.  IVF was the means by which I would be getting pregnant and I needed to see how all of that worked.  I came across three or four blogs that touched me and I read from start to finish, but one woman's story pushed me over the edge.  I knew after reading her story, that I could be a surrogate and no matter what, I would never regret it.  Here is a link to her blog: http://www.jennepper.com/

She is so open about all she went through to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and make it through to the end.  She gave raw emotion that I needed to see to be able to offer my body to grow someones else child.  She wanted to be a mother enough to put her body through hell and face things I am sure she never hoped to endure.  She did it with humor and grace and I am in complete awe that I could feel emotionally invested in someone else's life after reading her story.  If there is anything I have learned, anything that will stay with me until the day I die, is that women are strong and with love and faith you can do amazing things.  It is not surprising that many couples can't handle the stress and divorce.  I have been so inspired by the love that can survive when life is just so hard. Infertility is ugly and messy and horrible.  It isn't fair that some people have babies just by thinking about it and others struggle with all aspects of bringing a child into this world. 

The last nine months have been tough.  There have been emotional struggles that surprised me and a pregnancy very different from my own children.  The end result is near though...a very fat and healthy baby girl is at most eight days away from meeting her mom and dad.  The craziness of it all is almost over and my normal life is almost back...and the life of two people that have struggled with infertility for so many years, is about to change to forever.

*At yesterday's appointment, Baby A was measuring 8lbs9oz and I am 2cm dilated!

7 Years Ago

April is always an emotional month for me as that is the month that Alex was born.  I spend two weeks before his big day thinking of the last two weeks of my pregnancy and how much I had no clue how much my life would change. I count the first day of knowing my little man was coming as the official "Day 1 of Motherhood", but his birth was first day I had to share him with everyone else.  And what a day it was...

I was like so many first-time moms.  I wanted to let my baby come when he was ready and get through the labor and delivery drug-free and blissful.  I was going to be one with my body and go with the ebb and flow with the contractions until the baby slipped into this world.  He would be placed on my belly, daddy would cut the cord and then we would be a family.  But sadly for this first time mom, that was not the scene in 2004.

Labor was to be induced as I was 40 weeks pregnant and getting pretty miserable.  I had agreed to the procedure still wanting to go as natural as possible.  Upon arriving at the hospital on his official due date, I was 3cm dilated and contracting every 2-3 minutes.  The contractions had not been noticeable by me, but appeared on the machine. I took this as a very good sign of our day to come.  Rather than start with drugs that could push the contractions over the edge, I asked for my water to be broken.  I still had hopes of a natural birth and wasn't sure I could handle drug induced contractions.  The water was broken and we were told to walk the halls.  The contraction were coming slowly and were noticeable but not really doing much to dilate my cervix. We walked some more and then I spent lots of time on the big bouncy ball while talking with all the friends and family that had come to welcome our baby. 

The day wore on and by late afternoon I had been restricted to bed and my hips were killing me.  I decided after almost 8 hours of pitocin that I needed the epidural.   The epidural only took partially and the hip pain was still excruciating while stuck in a bed. I just needed to move and I couldn't.  After two more doses of medication through the epidural I was pain free and completely numb.  Eventually it was time to push and push we did!! Alex was still very high and after some heart decelerations, the doctor had me take a break and sit up tall hoping that gravity would help bring our little man down.  We had another round of pushing before the doctor realized that Alex was face up with his hand held tight to his chest.  He was being stressed by the pitocin induced contractions and somewhat stuck on my pelvic bone because of his presentation. His heart rate continued to drop with the contractions and the doc said we had to get him out in the next few pushes or we were headed to the OR for a c-section.  My worse fear was moments away...

So I pushed.  And he was born.  I got a single moment of locking eyes with my beautiful, big boy before he was gone.  All at once, he had come out and before he could be suctioned, he had taken a big breath...but he was covered in meconium that hadn't been there 14 hours earlier when my water was broken.  The doctor was completely stunned and all at once there were people everywhere.  Nurses took him to the warmer and his Apgar score wasn't good.  Another moment later and the room was quiet with only my doctor trying to finish the delivery and get me put back together.  In those moments I remember someone yelling out 8lbs 13oz and I couldn't believe he was that big.

Dave was able to go see him in the NICU and so were my parents. I am not sure who else was allowed to see my boy. I was still completely numb hours later and had to sit and wait.  Alex couldn't keep his breathing regulated and had "space helmet" on. I also learned he had broken his collarbone during delivery because his shoulders had been stuck and that breaking that bone helped him to actually come out.  Once I finally saw him, I couldn't hold him.  He would get overly excited and stop breathing or not be able to regulate his temperature.  The birth had broken him.  I felt love for my son but nothing else.  The entire situation was so surreal to me. 

Dave and I left the hospital two days later without Alex.  He was on antibiotics for the meconium aspiration even though the tests were inconclusive as to whether he had pneumonia or not.  He had trouble feeding and breathing at the same time.  We had tried to nurse but that only stressing him out.  He was getting formula in a NICU instead of rooming-in nursing on demand.  My whole outlook on birth had been shattered.  I really don't remember those four days that he spent in the NICU.  The forth night of his life I was given a room at the hospital and we were allowed to have our rooming-in time while he could still be monitored by the nurses.  I tried to nurse but he wasn't latching and I didn't want to cause trouble.  We used bottles and I cried.  He was so beautiful that I couldn't take my eyes off of him.

I felt like a failure as a mother already.  I had tried to make decisions based on a birth experience I wanted and blamed myself.  If I hadn't asked to have my water broken, he wouldn't have been subjected to the intense pitocin contractions.  If he hadn't been under so much duress because of no water, he might not have passed that first bowel movement and might not have had trouble breathing when he was born.  Those emotional first days of parenthood are not the ones you want to spend second-guessing every move you have made. 

So every year as I look at my growing son I am left thinking about those first days when I left the hospital feeling like maybe my pregnancy had been a cruel joke and I was never going to be a mother after all.  There are lots of happy emotions that come with his birthday too, as I think of how far we have come as a family and what an amazing kid he has turned out to be but I guess this year, being pregnant, too many of the sad and scary details are rearing their head.  I am faced with another mid-April birth of another big baby and my worse fear is having this child, this much waited for and longed for child, go through anything silimiar at birth.  I spent three hours awake last night telling myself that this would be different, Eleanor's birth was completely different.  This baby has dropped and is low, but I am not really dilated any more so I worry that she is hung up on my pelvis already. 

I worry that because she is bigger than Eleanor was and Eleanor was bigger than Alex (an ounce lighter at birth, but induced a week early) that we are setting ourselves up for problems.  We have an induction set for 4/21, two days early.   If Eleanor had gone to 40 weeks, she would probably have been close to 9.5lbs.  This baby at term could be close to 10lbs.  Very scary stuff. We do have an ultrasound set for Tuesday to double check size.  I will be 38w3d at that point and I am hopeful that my body will have started dilating more and maybe go into labor as she reaches that almost 9lb mark.  So much excitement and so much worry.  As a surrogate, I have this vision of a perfect birth for this set of parents.  I know it is possible as I had those perfect moments with Eleanor when she was born and everything went smoothly.  I want that as the last gift I can give them with this crazy pregnancy. They deserve the baby going right to Mom and Dad cutting the cord...everyone does.

PS.  So I finish my blog post and decide to go around to a few others that I LOVE to read and realize what a pitty party I just threw for myself.  Luckily no one else was really here to join me (unless you count Eleanor watching Fresh Beat Band, but she didn't really care what I was doing other than to be amazed by all the letters I put on the screen).  I feel like a fool a little bit for all my rambling but I think somehow when I say I am getting stressed about the birth, it helps when people have a little background.  So now there is too much background and while it does seem whiny, I am currently a bit on the whiny and emotinal side so I will let it slide. I guess I should have just ended with, I am so glad we all lived "happily ever after" because we are so very lucky in our bad birth experience, so very lucky with only four days in the NICU and our super heathy, so loving, crazy brilliant almost 7-year old son to show for it.