I have never been one for much patience. I have always been ready for the "what's next" in life, sometimes forgetting to live in the moment because I am so focused on what is to come. I spent a lot of my high school and college years just waiting to be on my own and to be an adult. I met the man of my dreams and then couldn't wait to marry him...then after getting married, I couldn't wait to be a mom. My life truly has been a whirlwind and sometimes everyone needs a reminder that not everything can be rushed along. I am going through those moments now as I wait for this surro-pregnancy to come to an end. Wanting it to be over yet clinging to the surrogacy and the dear friendship I have with J, not ready for that to change.
As hard as this pregnancy has been, it truly has been an exercise in patience. From the very beginning, we had to push back the IVF transfer when my uterine lining wasn't perfect enough...week after week of ultrasounds before we were finally given that special day. The next longest period for me was the four days it took after the IVF before I got my first faint positive home pregnancy test. Much of that was spent on bedrest so it really counts for at least double that amount of time. All along, I have been pushed through this process by faith. Faith led me to even pursue surrogacy and then faith has propelled me along when I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to wait. When we had a big bleeding scare around 13 weeks, my faith was shaken but I watched two people become parents when they turned to God and knew that whatever happened to their child was in His plan. I have been in awe of them throughout this process. We are continually being shown that pregnancy and childbirth truly is a miracle and that man is only a small part. I have been reminded that without God, none of us would be here...with all that can and does go wrong in getting and staying pregnant, it is amazing that the human race even exists.
I should have more patience. My own babies never came early. I never dropped or dilated or any of that fun pre-labor stuff. This baby girl has remained similar in size to my own and she has dropped. She has caused many contractions and back aches and swollen feet that are completely new to me during pregnancy. I feel at times like this is my first experience with a "real" pregnancy. So I had really had it in my head that she would be early. Two checks now and still hanging on at 1cm.. I endured three checks with Eleanor with the same news but she was still high in my pelvis the whole time. I don't even know that I am completely ready to be done being pregnant so I don't know why I am rushing it. Babies need to grow as long as possible and after all we went through in the second trimester I should realize how lucky I am not to have her early.
I have given myself lots of excuses. I am really good at making up excuses to propel my line of thought. Currently Alexander's birthday is a week before the due date and the due date also falls on Easter weekend. Two big things in our house...two things that I don't want to miss or not be able to participate in with my children. But the bottom line is, my whole family knows the sacrifice we are making to help create another family. My children and husband have been so supportive and understanding of every little bump we have encountered. I think I am the only one that is making this difficult and therefore I have decided to just let it go. I can throw together a birthday celebration or an egg hunt in no time and my kids won't suffer a bit. This baby girl needs to grow until she is ready and that is the most important thing right now. I just need to get it through my head that contractions don't necessarily mean labor and that I am not in charge of this process any more now than I was in the beginning.
One of my goals after this surrogacy was to truly appreciate each day I had with my family. I owe it them to start that goal now...and enjoy every day that is presented instead of wishing it away for tomorrow. And of course, waiting to give birth until tomorrow means an April birthstone (diamond) and who wouldn't be willing to wait for that??!!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Almost 36 weeks!!
Yesterday was the beginning of the "real" doctor visits...where you find out what is going on with your body when you seem to be clueless like me. :-) We knew baby girl was getting bigger and the ultrasound confirmed she is still on the same growth curve--7lbs2oz is the current estimate which is completely in line with gaining half a pound a week since 29 weeks. Its really nice to know that even though my super-uterus gave us some problems in the beginning it still rocked out a nice, big healthy baby. Baby was doing very well on the non-stress test (NST) as well...she did want to sleep but I don't blame her (they did the ultrasound first and she had to fight the tech who was pushing on my belly). We did learn that baby girl doesn't like toothbrushes, electric to be exact, and even talking about them gets her in a tizzy. The only times she moved for the test, her parents and I were discussing how she wakes up every time I go to brush me teeth.
The NST also showed I was contracting every four minutes. Nice little hills visible on the paper to correspond with the firmness that I was feeling in my belly. It didn't ever hurt but I definitely knew they were happening. They had been happening for a few days, more often later at night as I was trying to get comfortable. I guess if I am not in pain, the doctors feel like they aren't really doing anything. And being 1cm and 50% effaced doesn't really mean much after two pregnancies, so I guess we just have to wait until next week to see if anything is progressing. Dr. G did want us to come back and see her next week, so we were happy to change our appointment from Monday to Wednesday to get her personal attention.
The baby has also dropped. This is completely new to me. I think Alex slowly descended over a few weeks before he was born as my legs got really sore but nothing like this. My hips hurt, my right calf hurts and my feet are swollen. My belly is measuring a lot smaller than last week so the doctor knew for sure that she was low in my pelvis and assured me everything I am feeling is typical after the baby drops. I know with first time moms, a baby can drop ages before you go into labor, but I have always heard that when you have had a baby before, you don't really drop until labor. Did my body forget that it has done this before? Am I going to be blessed with a labor that doesn't destroy my hips because they are going to spread slowly over the next few weeks? So many unknowns and for some reason I am still so excited.
The culmination of this journey is the birth and I have been looking forward to that for a while. Maybe part of it is selfish--I did make it to 8cm with Eleanor before my epidural and without that hip pain I probably could have endured the additional hour it took before she was born. I think I want to be able to get a gold star for having a baby with no epidural, sort of a personal goal (I am not crazy though and will have no problem asking for meds if things are just too much--I don't want to traumatize the parents or myself if the pain is overwhelming).
And of course, the big part, the moment a new family is made. I have spoken of it so often now but it still makes my eyes fill with tears. Two people have loved each other for so long and done so much with their lives, but having a child has been the one thing they couldn't do alone. I am so grateful that I can help someone have what I consider to be the greatest thing in the world...a child.
The NST also showed I was contracting every four minutes. Nice little hills visible on the paper to correspond with the firmness that I was feeling in my belly. It didn't ever hurt but I definitely knew they were happening. They had been happening for a few days, more often later at night as I was trying to get comfortable. I guess if I am not in pain, the doctors feel like they aren't really doing anything. And being 1cm and 50% effaced doesn't really mean much after two pregnancies, so I guess we just have to wait until next week to see if anything is progressing. Dr. G did want us to come back and see her next week, so we were happy to change our appointment from Monday to Wednesday to get her personal attention.
The baby has also dropped. This is completely new to me. I think Alex slowly descended over a few weeks before he was born as my legs got really sore but nothing like this. My hips hurt, my right calf hurts and my feet are swollen. My belly is measuring a lot smaller than last week so the doctor knew for sure that she was low in my pelvis and assured me everything I am feeling is typical after the baby drops. I know with first time moms, a baby can drop ages before you go into labor, but I have always heard that when you have had a baby before, you don't really drop until labor. Did my body forget that it has done this before? Am I going to be blessed with a labor that doesn't destroy my hips because they are going to spread slowly over the next few weeks? So many unknowns and for some reason I am still so excited.
The culmination of this journey is the birth and I have been looking forward to that for a while. Maybe part of it is selfish--I did make it to 8cm with Eleanor before my epidural and without that hip pain I probably could have endured the additional hour it took before she was born. I think I want to be able to get a gold star for having a baby with no epidural, sort of a personal goal (I am not crazy though and will have no problem asking for meds if things are just too much--I don't want to traumatize the parents or myself if the pain is overwhelming).
And of course, the big part, the moment a new family is made. I have spoken of it so often now but it still makes my eyes fill with tears. Two people have loved each other for so long and done so much with their lives, but having a child has been the one thing they couldn't do alone. I am so grateful that I can help someone have what I consider to be the greatest thing in the world...a child.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sugar!!
I don't know if I have mentioned it yet but Easter Candy is my all time favorite. I have a complete weakness when it comes to all things Cadbury this time of year. My favorite is the original Cadbury Cream Egg followed by the Orange Cream Egg. And I have definitely found that people are a either a "lover" or "hater" when it comes to this confection. For a very pregnant lady whose taste buds are ablaze with everything I eat, they completely hit the spot. I eat them after I eat dinner to settle everything...they don't give me heartburn when almost everything does these days (ice cream has the same effect, so I do have something to trade out with them on occasion). I can eat one when I am not really hungry or completely famished and they are fabulous each and every time.
I have always loved candy and sweets...earlier this pregnancy I was a salty girl and that sort of threw me for a loop. I still have a bag of Doritos in the pantry for the cheese craving that hits--crunchy cheese, not good for you dairy (although that does happen too). Have I mentioned that in general I really do like to eat? Pregnancy has always been a time of rejoicing because I have always eaten well and loved every morsel. The first half of this surrogate pregnancy found me without an appetite. I would really want to want something and it just didn't happen. I would eat and it was so unfulfilling.
By week 25 or so, I was back to my happily eating pregnant self when I was told I would have to take my gestational diabetes test. This didn't worry me in the least since I had always been more of the type to get a little weak if I went too long without eating, so I was pretty confident in my ability to burn through some sugar without problem. But I failed the first test. I got the call and was so upset. Easter candy was already appearing in the stores and there was a chance that I would have to sacrifice this amazing selection. Of course, I would do it because my health and the health of the baby is way too important, but my freezer would totally be stocked for the time when my blood sugar returned to normal after the birth. Luckily that few days of stress followed by the three hour (horrible, horrible, horrible) glucose test confirmed that my sugar was really low and I was no where near diabetic. Note to anyone reading, don't drink chocolate milk at midnight the night before your one hour test. I am not saying it had anything to do with the first fail, but you never know. ;-)
So now my house is stocked with at least 8 Cadbury Cream eggs (combo of regular and the orange cream), a bag of jellybeans, a bag of candy coated chocolate eggs, a bag of peppermint patties (in Easter colored wrappers!) and some mini chocolate bunnies. Yep I think that does it. And because all good sugar snacks do tend to result in a small salty craving, the Doritos are also sharing the pantry with some Flavor Blasted White Cheddar Goldfish. But no one tell my husband or the kids okay??
PS. How is it that Cadbury is not in spellcheck??!! Seriously?
I have always loved candy and sweets...earlier this pregnancy I was a salty girl and that sort of threw me for a loop. I still have a bag of Doritos in the pantry for the cheese craving that hits--crunchy cheese, not good for you dairy (although that does happen too). Have I mentioned that in general I really do like to eat? Pregnancy has always been a time of rejoicing because I have always eaten well and loved every morsel. The first half of this surrogate pregnancy found me without an appetite. I would really want to want something and it just didn't happen. I would eat and it was so unfulfilling.
By week 25 or so, I was back to my happily eating pregnant self when I was told I would have to take my gestational diabetes test. This didn't worry me in the least since I had always been more of the type to get a little weak if I went too long without eating, so I was pretty confident in my ability to burn through some sugar without problem. But I failed the first test. I got the call and was so upset. Easter candy was already appearing in the stores and there was a chance that I would have to sacrifice this amazing selection. Of course, I would do it because my health and the health of the baby is way too important, but my freezer would totally be stocked for the time when my blood sugar returned to normal after the birth. Luckily that few days of stress followed by the three hour (horrible, horrible, horrible) glucose test confirmed that my sugar was really low and I was no where near diabetic. Note to anyone reading, don't drink chocolate milk at midnight the night before your one hour test. I am not saying it had anything to do with the first fail, but you never know. ;-)
So now my house is stocked with at least 8 Cadbury Cream eggs (combo of regular and the orange cream), a bag of jellybeans, a bag of candy coated chocolate eggs, a bag of peppermint patties (in Easter colored wrappers!) and some mini chocolate bunnies. Yep I think that does it. And because all good sugar snacks do tend to result in a small salty craving, the Doritos are also sharing the pantry with some Flavor Blasted White Cheddar Goldfish. But no one tell my husband or the kids okay??
PS. How is it that Cadbury is not in spellcheck??!! Seriously?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Nesting
I can't get over the amount of energy that seems to explode out of me at times. The nesting instinct is very, very real, as I have learned over and over again during this pregnancy. This past weekend, amid beautiful weather, I decided to clean out the kids outdoor toy storage area. I also cleaned out the random cabinet in the kitchen that seems to hold a little bit of everything...if you add in the closets that have been messed with and the bathrooms that have been gone through, I would seem like a very busy woman. The only thing that seems to get in my way is the fact that the energy is only there for about thirty minutes before I crash...and I mean, CRASH! I get so tired that I can then sleep for three hours and still go to bed at my regular time at night.
The neat thing I am learning about pregnancy is that you don't really have to be pregnant to experience all the craziness. The IM (intended mother) is also going through some pregnancy symptoms. She tells me she has a hard time remembering all that she has to do and gets distracted by all the items that need to be put away in her home. All the baby supplies are starting to add up and wanting to get everything done before Miss A makes her appearance is weighing on her.
It is really fun to go through this process side by side with someone else. This pregnancy has been completely shared by the two women involved in getting this little girl into the world...the womb and the mommy. Being able to talk candidly about worries and each little twinge (and having someone who is actually interested in hearing about it all) is a nice change. Even a daddy doesn't always want to hear about every little detail when they have their own worries during a pregnancy--but a mother wants to know. She wants to hear about the personality that seems to already be emerging and the crazy kicks, wiggles and hiccups.
The neat thing I am learning about pregnancy is that you don't really have to be pregnant to experience all the craziness. The IM (intended mother) is also going through some pregnancy symptoms. She tells me she has a hard time remembering all that she has to do and gets distracted by all the items that need to be put away in her home. All the baby supplies are starting to add up and wanting to get everything done before Miss A makes her appearance is weighing on her.
It is really fun to go through this process side by side with someone else. This pregnancy has been completely shared by the two women involved in getting this little girl into the world...the womb and the mommy. Being able to talk candidly about worries and each little twinge (and having someone who is actually interested in hearing about it all) is a nice change. Even a daddy doesn't always want to hear about every little detail when they have their own worries during a pregnancy--but a mother wants to know. She wants to hear about the personality that seems to already be emerging and the crazy kicks, wiggles and hiccups.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Surrogacy Update
So we are now 34 weeks along with the surrogate pregnancy. I felt very pregnant from early on until around 22-24 weeks when things started to relax. I felt sick in the beginning and had no appetite until close to the third trimester. One of my favorite parts about being pregnant with my kids was my appetite--and how every food tasted ten times better than normal.
I think part of my issue with food during that second trimester was the fact that we had a major clot and bleeding episode around 13 weeks and I stayed on edge for ages just wondering if it was going to come back or get worse. It is never fun to have a complication during a pregnancy, but when you have been entrusted with someone else's child, the stress is at a whole new level...think of watching someones kid and they get hurt. You feel awful, even if there is nothing you could have done. Growing their child, you have tried to do everything by the book (even better than when you carried your own) and something goes wrong, you just have a very hard time with it. And we were on modified bedrest, so rather than spending time in the second trimester feeling good and playing with the kids, I was resting with my feet up. I might not be one of those "go-go-go" kind of people, but I don't sit down much during the day, so this was new for me.
The last few days have been interesting. Either I have had my first experience with contractions or I have started dealing with heartburn--not really a win-win situation for me! After a very long week of being on my own while my husband was gone for work, and working with his mom after she was in a car accident Tuesday night, my body seemed to give out Friday morning. It was all I could to get to the airport Friday morning because my stomach had been such a mess. I was getting cramps along the top of my belly and they were coming about every 10-15 minutes. This went on for about two hours before spacing out...but I didn't feel quite right. All day my stomach just felt off and I noticed a slight increase in the braxton hicks contractions too. I spent a lot of time laying down Friday and Saturday. I am feeling good this morning but woke up with my hips feeling sore! I guess the end is in sight and my body is starting to feel it. I have felt so good the last ten weeks. So much better than most of the pregnancy. I guess with a baby that is measuring over 6lbs by now, my body might be feeling the strain.
Babycenter sends me weekly emails and this weeks started with "you may begin to feel more tired" and yeah, I have to say that pretty much sums up how I am feeling these days! The newsletter also says that babies born between 34-37 weeks typically do just as well as full term babies if born, even if they do need to spend a little time in the NICU. I am glad to read that, but part of my little dream associated with this surrogacy is to see J&M hold their baby and love on her those minutes after she is born. I don't want them to ever know what it is like to have your baby whisked away to the NICU...that is something I remember all too well from when Alexander was born.
Tomorrow we have our first Non-Stress Test (NST) to check the placenta. I am assuming that as big as this little girl is growing, the placenta is doing an awesome job, but I am happy to have it officially checked.
I think part of my issue with food during that second trimester was the fact that we had a major clot and bleeding episode around 13 weeks and I stayed on edge for ages just wondering if it was going to come back or get worse. It is never fun to have a complication during a pregnancy, but when you have been entrusted with someone else's child, the stress is at a whole new level...think of watching someones kid and they get hurt. You feel awful, even if there is nothing you could have done. Growing their child, you have tried to do everything by the book (even better than when you carried your own) and something goes wrong, you just have a very hard time with it. And we were on modified bedrest, so rather than spending time in the second trimester feeling good and playing with the kids, I was resting with my feet up. I might not be one of those "go-go-go" kind of people, but I don't sit down much during the day, so this was new for me.
The last few days have been interesting. Either I have had my first experience with contractions or I have started dealing with heartburn--not really a win-win situation for me! After a very long week of being on my own while my husband was gone for work, and working with his mom after she was in a car accident Tuesday night, my body seemed to give out Friday morning. It was all I could to get to the airport Friday morning because my stomach had been such a mess. I was getting cramps along the top of my belly and they were coming about every 10-15 minutes. This went on for about two hours before spacing out...but I didn't feel quite right. All day my stomach just felt off and I noticed a slight increase in the braxton hicks contractions too. I spent a lot of time laying down Friday and Saturday. I am feeling good this morning but woke up with my hips feeling sore! I guess the end is in sight and my body is starting to feel it. I have felt so good the last ten weeks. So much better than most of the pregnancy. I guess with a baby that is measuring over 6lbs by now, my body might be feeling the strain.
Babycenter sends me weekly emails and this weeks started with "you may begin to feel more tired" and yeah, I have to say that pretty much sums up how I am feeling these days! The newsletter also says that babies born between 34-37 weeks typically do just as well as full term babies if born, even if they do need to spend a little time in the NICU. I am glad to read that, but part of my little dream associated with this surrogacy is to see J&M hold their baby and love on her those minutes after she is born. I don't want them to ever know what it is like to have your baby whisked away to the NICU...that is something I remember all too well from when Alexander was born.
Tomorrow we have our first Non-Stress Test (NST) to check the placenta. I am assuming that as big as this little girl is growing, the placenta is doing an awesome job, but I am happy to have it officially checked.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
The Baby Shower
J&M have a huge group of friends and family that have supported them throughout this surrogacy. Yesterday I was able to meet some of these people and I can honestly say I have never felt more love in my life. I feel blessed to be a part of this process in a whole new way. I knew there was something special about J&M from the first time we met. Part of me feels like, even if I wasn't their surrogate, I would have met them for some other reason. They have always seems liked old friends and the level of familiarity was something I have never experienced before or since. When things are meant to happen, there isn't much fighting it.
The shower was beautiful and the people were wonderful. It was so nice to see J celebrated as a mother-to-be and get to share in her special day. I wasn't prepared for everyone to be so vocal about my role; there were tears, hugs and the most kind words ever spoken. I cried in the car on the way home just thinking about it. I really feel like I didn't deserve all that attention. After all, what I am doing really isn't that big in the grand scheme of things. I am just a vessel to get this little girl to the arms of her parents, my nine month role is nothing compared to what goes into actually nurturing and raising a child.
My family thought it was worth it to take a break from focusing on ourselves to help someone else. People are always sacrificing things to help others or to help a cause they believe in. I guess my cause just happens to be Motherhood. Anyone that has ever looked at their own child and then imagined a world without that little person, would probably get a glimpse of why I wanted to do this for even a complete stranger. My heart aches to think of my world without my children. I don't think I would have been strong enough to go on for years and years of trying, without it causing major damage to the person I am and to my marriage. I am blown away by J&M (and really all the couples I have read about that endure infertility) and their ability to stay strong and sane.
God works in amazing ways. I am not the most religious in the sense that I do not attend a church, but I am very faithful. I pray often and prayed quite a bit about the decision to pursue surrogacy. I had been struggling with the feeling that I wanted...really needed...to be pregnant again but I also felt like our family was complete. I feel like my prayer led me to the world of surrogacy, then straight to J&M. It is amazing to think that our first round of IVF actually took and here we are 33 weeks pregnant with a beautiful little girl.
The shower was beautiful and the people were wonderful. It was so nice to see J celebrated as a mother-to-be and get to share in her special day. I wasn't prepared for everyone to be so vocal about my role; there were tears, hugs and the most kind words ever spoken. I cried in the car on the way home just thinking about it. I really feel like I didn't deserve all that attention. After all, what I am doing really isn't that big in the grand scheme of things. I am just a vessel to get this little girl to the arms of her parents, my nine month role is nothing compared to what goes into actually nurturing and raising a child.
My family thought it was worth it to take a break from focusing on ourselves to help someone else. People are always sacrificing things to help others or to help a cause they believe in. I guess my cause just happens to be Motherhood. Anyone that has ever looked at their own child and then imagined a world without that little person, would probably get a glimpse of why I wanted to do this for even a complete stranger. My heart aches to think of my world without my children. I don't think I would have been strong enough to go on for years and years of trying, without it causing major damage to the person I am and to my marriage. I am blown away by J&M (and really all the couples I have read about that endure infertility) and their ability to stay strong and sane.
God works in amazing ways. I am not the most religious in the sense that I do not attend a church, but I am very faithful. I pray often and prayed quite a bit about the decision to pursue surrogacy. I had been struggling with the feeling that I wanted...really needed...to be pregnant again but I also felt like our family was complete. I feel like my prayer led me to the world of surrogacy, then straight to J&M. It is amazing to think that our first round of IVF actually took and here we are 33 weeks pregnant with a beautiful little girl.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Rough Days
I guess as adults we sometimes forget that we aren't the only ones that can have a rough day. For no reason at all, everything just goes wrong or doesn't feel right. Yet when our children wake up on the wrong side of the bed, we write it off to bad behavior or temper tantrums. Alexander had a very bad day yesterday. It started early and I should have known that when he threw a fit about the clothes he was wearing, that we were in for it. He is my easy kid. I can still pick out whatever works from his closet and he just gets dressed (unlike Eleanor who will fight me tooth and nail over almost anything she wears). Yesterday the shirt felt weird and then the pants were too loose...we argued as he walked out the door.
So why was I so surprised when I got the email from his teacher? I knew he was having an "off" day and he was somewhat stuffed up from allergies (I do love to make excuses for my kids, but really, what mom doesn't?). The thing that gets me is that he lied about it. We will put up with a lot from our kids, but lying is the one thing that we don't tolerate. We feel like he has consequences at school (and a stern teacher) so whatever punishment that occurs there is typically enough. The problem came when he hid his folder that showed the color he was on (different colors mean different things regarding behavior) and then said it was something else. He didn't realize the teacher would email me giving me a heads up. Poor kid. I almost feel bad. He didn't want us to be mad but instead he made it worse.
Days like yesterday are the ones where it is hard to be a parent. It is hard to do the right thing, when you know your kid feels horrible about it all. Alexander is so hard on himself. He is a true first child that wants to please his parents, but his judgement is still that of an almost 7-year old. It is going to be harder on me than him with the punishment--no screen time until Saturday. The kid loves his math games online--logic really--and plays then until he figures them out. Because the attitudes have been flying this week, we instituted a no TV rule for the rest of the week for both kids. The nice part of this is that those toys, that fill the shelves in their rooms, might actually be played with this week.
So why was I so surprised when I got the email from his teacher? I knew he was having an "off" day and he was somewhat stuffed up from allergies (I do love to make excuses for my kids, but really, what mom doesn't?). The thing that gets me is that he lied about it. We will put up with a lot from our kids, but lying is the one thing that we don't tolerate. We feel like he has consequences at school (and a stern teacher) so whatever punishment that occurs there is typically enough. The problem came when he hid his folder that showed the color he was on (different colors mean different things regarding behavior) and then said it was something else. He didn't realize the teacher would email me giving me a heads up. Poor kid. I almost feel bad. He didn't want us to be mad but instead he made it worse.
Days like yesterday are the ones where it is hard to be a parent. It is hard to do the right thing, when you know your kid feels horrible about it all. Alexander is so hard on himself. He is a true first child that wants to please his parents, but his judgement is still that of an almost 7-year old. It is going to be harder on me than him with the punishment--no screen time until Saturday. The kid loves his math games online--logic really--and plays then until he figures them out. Because the attitudes have been flying this week, we instituted a no TV rule for the rest of the week for both kids. The nice part of this is that those toys, that fill the shelves in their rooms, might actually be played with this week.
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