Strength

I haven't been feeling so strong lately...and mostly, I mean this in the physical way.  After the baby was born (and during which the pregnancy only allowed me six weeks of normal activity), my arms and legs were tired.  My core muscles were gone and I felt loose, wobbly almost.  Relying heavily on an abdominal support, I made my way through those first few weeks and started noticing that I felt tighter and stronger.  I could carry things again without feeling a strain of overuse.  Wednesday I had my post partum check up and was told what I pretty much knew already.  My core muscles were weak, my pelvic floor was really weak.  For anyone not familiar, your pelvic floor is pretty much the group of muscles that keeps your insides in. :-)  When you are pregnant, these muscles work by holding your growing uterus.  Sometimes no matter how many kegels you do, this muscle group is overextended.  I was told that I needed time, a good bit of time, to strengthen these muscles before I even consider getting pregnant again...

...I guess I should stop here to say that I as stressful as being a surrogate was at times, I really look back at the entire experience with a very positive feeling.  I would love to be able to help J&M again if they decide they want a sibling...and if they don't, well, I feel like there is someone else out there that I might be able to help.  I haven't decided whether or not I want to be a surrogate again and with the doctor telling me that another big baby could be really hard on my body, it throws my thought process a curve-ball.  She didn't say I couldn't carry, but said I would have to work hard to get all my muscles strong enough to endure. 

When a decision you wanted to make yourself, might be made for you by your body, it can be hard to process. (This must be just a glimpse of what people dealing with infertility feel when they are told they can't carry at all).  I wanted to come to the decision myself and since we know I have no patience, I sort of wanted to make the decision based on this doctor visit.  While I knew I needed to get stronger, physically, I wasn't quite prepared for the reality.  A whole range of emotions have flooded me the last few days--everything from relief to sadness.  And maybe taking time to make a decision, depending on how things continue to go physically,  will make me emotionally stronger as well.

***
Everyone at my house has been sick.  We are officially at the two week mark with the coughing and sneezing.  All of us have allergies to some degree, although everyone had been functioning very well with some otc medication. Somewhere we picked up an extra germ to add to the already goopy mess and Eleanor ended up with a sinus infection.  So far me and the hubby have fared the best, as we are still coughing but never ran a fever.  One of the hardest parts of being a mom is being sick yourself while trying to take care of the rest of the family.  Being strong on so many levels is just part of the job.

There have been plenty of distractions lately so that has helped.  Not only with everyone being sick, but a field trip thrown in Tuesday.  We are also waiting for a very dear friend to have her baby (come on baby!!). Its nice to focus on other things for a while, so I haven't really thought much about the blog or what may happen with a possible second surrogacy.  I can't be totally self absorbed all the time. :-)



Its twirly!



The new skirt!

 I also decided yesterday that instead of spending hours looking through all the amazing craft blogs online, I was going to get up and make something.  I have been playing with elastic thread this week, as well as ruffling/gathering techniques and it has been awesome.  I tried to make a smocked dress for myself with the elastic thread but it ended up being something closer to Eleanor's size.  She wasn't too crazy about it either so it might end up a play skirt. After all that sewing that didn't result in anything wearable, I wanted to make Eleanor something she would love.  She has a skirt that has seriously been worn to death--it is almost a joke at school because it is worn at least once a week.  I have been looking at tutorials for tiered skirts, ruffle skirts and circle skirts and sort of incorporated features of all three in one!! So now she also has a new twirly skirt that is three tiers with a ruffle on the bottom.  It was so much fun to make and took all of two hours.  I still have to hem the very bottom, but she HAD to wear it today so the hemming will have to wait.



As I had a ball today creating things for my family, I was reminded that if my body isn't strong enough to carry another child, at least I can do other things.  I can be a great wife, mother, and friend...I can share awesome home-making tips that I stumble upon...great sewing tutorials...and maybe, give someone else the strength to do something they have always wanted to do. For if the people closest to you don't give you strength, who will?





***A great tip I learned for gathers/ruffles...set your tension to the highest setting, turn up your stitch length and sew: the machine does it for you!!  You can make the gathers even more defined by holding onto the top thread slightly as you sew (which can be quite tricky if you want to keep sewing in a straight line).  It was so much faster than making the basting stitch and doing it all by hand.***





The "old" skirt in action.



And the little man!

 

Having the Right Tools

No matter what you do in life you need to have the right tools. I have recently found this to be essential as I have been attempting to make some simple stuffed animals for the kids.  Recently vowing that I would use up some of my stashed craft supplies, I let the kids pick something out of my newest sewing book.  Each child picked a toy they wanted me to make and I set to work. A few weeks ago, I put up a few pictures that included a pink dog I was making for Eleanor. Well, that little pup just got finished over the weekend (finally, I might add, after weeks of staring at me).  I had a horrible time trying to do the hand sewing and the final seam looks awful.  Thinking that maybe in all of the supplies I own, I didn't have the right tool for the job, I popped into Joann's yesterday and asked.  Apparently, thick, large-eyed needles don't work well on a thin, cotton fabric. Huh.  Imagine that...so I promptly bought some quilting needles and today, in a matter of about an hour, I made Alex his stuffed dinosaur!  It will not sit on my sewing table for two weeks untouched, it will promptly be given to him when he gets home today. For not only is the body of the dinosaur complete, but he is sewn up, ready to be loved!!  



Completed Critters!!



This whole tool thing got me thinking and I realized that many times I have found myself frustrated working on something that should have been fun.  How many times do you start to do something around the house or with your kids, then walk away from it all because it just doesn't seem to be working the way you had planned??  I know sometimes the problem is the plan, but more often I find that I don't have the right tool for the job.  The tools are sometimes concrete items, like a sewing needle or a fabulous knife, but not always.  Sometimes that tool can simply be patience or a kind word.  When things don't go as planned, have you fully prepared your materials and your expectation? 



I know I am guilty of thinking things will go a certain way, it doesn't, and then frustration seeps in--the same thing happened with Alex the other day when he was working on his homework.  He had an idea of how he wanted his project to be done, and I had another idea.  He got so frustrated with me, then I got mad at him and before we knew it an hour and a half had gone by when 15 minutes should have sufficed.  We both needed to relax and have fun with the project, since he is only in first grade.  The tool that I needed then was patience and it was nowhere in sight.  

Motherhood provides us with many opportunities to grow as individuals, to teach our children and to impact the world around us.  I am still learning which tools make life the easier and which ones only get in the way.  What tools do you recommend?  If I had to make a list of "hold in your hand" tools that rock, I would definitely have to say a few good knives, a great vegetable peeler, name-brand hair detangler and washable crayons/markers.  The kitchen items are no-brainers, the faster you can prep your meal, the sooner everyone eats (and at my house, that is always a positive).  The hair detangler is a must too, because Eleanor cannot stand to have her hair dried, especially if there is any pulling with the brush (and you know how it is, running off, being yelled at to come back, more crying, more yelling, etc).  The washable crayons/markers are definitely a plus to have on hand for whenever things get stressful/out of control/boring...a stack of paper and something to doodle with, can always change the mood with my kids.  They always walk away from some creative time feeling better, always.  The right tools can keep everyones attitudes positive and make the rest of the day so much better.

As far as the intangibles, those are too numerous to list. Sometimes the best tools a mother can give, can't be seen, but felt...like that hug or a pat on the back.  The words, "I love you" or "I'm proud of you," when someone needs it most.  Taking just a moment and turning away from the computer when the real world needs us and the online world can wait.  :-) I hope I always remember to use the right tool for whatever life throws my way.



Giving thanks and reaching out

http://dixonsmakeitwork.blogspot.com/p/just-relax.html

Visit this blog.  The girl, Jen, that so openly shared her story on infertility, has some really amazing friends.  They have gotten together to do a benefit for her and her family as they are still struggling with a baby in the NICU.  I am pretty sure everyone that checks my blog probably checks hers, but in case you have found me without finding Jen, you have to read her story when you have time.  She is funny and you will cry...her story (as well as stories of friends that came out over the last few years) really made me determined to be a surrogate. http://www.jennepper.com/

I need to note that I was also inspired to take life by the horns after reading the book, "The Happiness Project" (available here: http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Project-Morning-Aristotle-Generally/dp/0061583251).  I am a happy person so reading this book may seem odd.  I feel like life passes us too quickly and reading about Gretchen and the choices she made to take that happiness to a higher level was truly inspiring. I knew I had something big inside me, but I needed the motivation and courage to do it...this book did just that. I highly recommend everyone read it. I own a copy if anyone wants to borrow it. 

Life is just too short and too fragile not to thank those people that make our lives what they are are and way too short to hold yourself back from doing something you think may just make a difference.  Take today and make it matter...or make a plan to make more of every day that comes.  Each day that passes molds us into the person we are today and without the ups and downs, the mistakes and successes, the good days and bad, we would be totally different people in a totally different place. I can say that while I may have regrets in life, and feel like I let too many days pass without special meaning, that I am who I am because of it all...and for that, I wouldn't change a thing.

Coffee, Chocolate and Wine

So the very things that got me through my hormone surge of last week are also the things bringing me down again...only this time isn't a mental thing, but a physical one! I was doing so well with my weight loss...but I gotta love a gift basket and really, can't complain.  So I get to work off those last 15 pounds (yes I gained a pound in the last ten days, oh well!) rather than watch them slide off easily like the first 26 pounds.  I get to work out and make use of that gym membership we bought a few months back.  I get to utilize four personal training sessions that we got as a sign-on bonus at the gym.  But I think if I am going to lose that last 15 pounds, I am going to have to find a nice happy medium so that my dear coffee, chocolate and wine can remain a part of my weekly caloric intake...at least for a while.

I am normally pretty good about portion control and eating a balanced diet...but the treats seem to be sneaking out of everywhere (or maybe those jelly beans I hid from the kids just need to be shared with the kids--nah, I'll just eat the rest of them really fast so they never really existed).  Everything has tasted so good even after the pregnancy has ended and I am trying to convince myself that I just need these calories for "recovering" from the birth.  I do still get tired, but I should just go to sleep...not eat and drink and find that I am still tired and consumed way too many calories trying to stay up late to watch one more DVR'd show (which could be watched anytime!!).  I should be glad Easter is over and my favorite candy indulgences are gone...my dear friend Meagan just did an Easter blog and now I really want Cadbury Creme eggs again (thank you for that Meagan!).

Mentally I am feeling so good.  No more random outbursts or feeling "off"...guess a few days wasn't too bad but I really don't have time to let it get me down.  There is a lot going on at school this week and it has been so fun to help.  I love getting back into the building and seeing all the other parents and the teachers in the hallways.  The kids are great too--lots of kindergarten friends from last year that still say "hi" when they see me.  It just feels right to be there. 

Physically things are also getting back to normal.  It has been three and a half weeks since Baby A was born. I am pretty much into my old pants (at least the ones that were a bit big already) and looser tops.  I have folded up my maternity clothes and actually got a little sad.  It seems weird to already be over when at times it seemed like it was all taking forever. I guess that is how it always is..."after"can be strange when you spent so long leading up to a big event. 

Mother's Day

Its amazing when a day suddenly has a new meaning...I grew up making Mothers Day cards and gifts for my mom and grandmothers, but over the years this day has truly evolved.  I finally get it, get what it means to be a mom. I have been celebrated myself now for 7 years...my first Mothers Day when Alex was only a few weeks old.  All those years ago, I had no idea what I was in for...I was "green" as they say...just happy to have my baby in my arms, no need to really celebrate. 

This year, I feel like I "get" it...I know why we celebrate our Mothers and why we take a moment to think of their importance in our lives.  Mothers do so much for their children in ways beyond the feeding, clothing, loving that we see day to day.  A mom is there for support, even when they don't agree, they let you try life your way and see what happens because they know it will make stronger in the end.  If you fail and you come running back, you have a learned just as valuable a lesson as when you succeed.  Those risks make us stronger and make us look outside the box.  Mothering isn't just teaching your children to do the right thing, it is showing them that can use any situation to learn and grow.

As a mother, you learn to follow your heart.  You know when your children are sick or having a bad day just by looking at them.  You know when to be stern and you know when to open your arms.  Your heart speaks so loudly as a mother, that some days, its hard to do anything but watch your children, in awe that they are yours.  I see my kids growing way too fast, becoming independent people with their own dreams and goals. I hope that as their mother, I have nurtured them in such a way that they feel they can take on the world and survive no matter which way life goes for them.  My children will always be a success if they can follow their hearts and trust in their minds. 

As a mother, I was led to become a surrogate and will most likely pursue it again.  I wanted to teach my children that we help other people when we can.  We give of ourselves because this life isn't just about us...I would never have thought my gift would be to grow babies, but maybe more than growing a baby I was able to create a family.  And that is what I celebrate today, as I not only have my family, but another that will be forever changed because of the choice I made to give of myself. 

I am so proud of myself and all the people that have come forward to support me always--not only in surrogacy but in motherhood. I celebrate us all today, as together, we have made a difference in so many lives. Happy Mothers Day!

Hello Hormones!!

So the thing with being a surrogate and recovering fairly well, is that you forget that you actually gave birth...GAVE BIRTH...just a few weeks ago. Your mind is clear and bright from resting and not dealing with a new baby, so you sort of forget that your body really has gone through something huge.  So much so that you are completely caught off guard by the surge of emotions that have no name.  I had been on the look-out for rouge hormones those first two weeks, but coasting into week 3, I thought I was in the clear.

Yesterday I was completely going about my business when, WHAM, I wanted to cry.  Eleanor had a tough day and cried a few times herself, very out of ordinary for my vibrant girl.  Maybe that set the tone...were we both hormonal?? I had gotten everything done that I wanted to and truly had a great day.  When this craziness emerged, I went to lay down and figure out what was wrong, but nothing was wrong...I wasn't sad or mad or anything really.  The feeling was in the back of my throat like I wanted to scream or cry or throw up...maybe all three.  After a little while, I returned to normal and the feeling (of not feeling anything) went away. 

Tonight I had a recurrence.  One of those things were you are set off by something that shouldn't really bother you...again after a day that was a bit more trying than it should have been.  My mind was already somewhat crazy after spending hours looking for a key to the box that holds Eleanor's birth certificate (mind you, I am sort of emotional trying to get everything ready to register her for kindergarten before the magnet school deadline while trying to not actually think about my baby going to kindergarten--as that will make any mom emotional).  Then after dinner, Eleanor was coughing so hard she threw up twice in the bathroom sink...so gross...I tried to turn her around to puke in the toilet but she wasn't budging.  Finally a simple request by my husband to continue hanging out with one of his oldest friends, pushed me over the edge. I was in tears at the thought of him not coming home when I had anticipated.  He NEVER gets guy time even though I always push him to and this one time that he asks to stay out later, I completely freak out.  It was the strangest thing.  I didn't really have a reason for him, but got all scary hormone crazy on him.  Luckily I came to my sense fairly quickly and called him back telling him to enjoy the evening...I mean, really, I could totally see myself calling him asking the exact same thing. 

My body is still recovering and still trying to work through everything that has happened, while my mind is exactly where it needs to be.  Mentally I feel so good...almost giddy really. The enormity of what I have done for another family is just amazing, plus I am back in my jeans (a cool spurt actually boosted my moral yesterday morning, when the jeans fit better than my spring capris and shorts) and everyone is telling me how great I look...I mean, who wouldn't be feeling on top of the world??!! I have rocked this surrogacy and my body apparently has to remind me that it isn't quite where the rest of me is...oh well...hopefully this doesn't last too long and I don't turn the crazy on anyone else.

So now, the house is quiet and I am good.  The wine has been poured and the chocolates are ready to compliment it. :-)  Seems like an evening to myself might be just what I need and hopefully this crazy hormone thing will settle down soon.  For the interim, I have lots of wine and chocolate.

Checking In...

So it has another week and life has continued to get back to normal.  I am feeling really well and it doesn't hurt to be back in my regular clothes. I feel very fortunate that my body has forgiven me for carrying around so much weight for so long. It seems to be one more sign that my body was made for growing babies. 

Yesterday I had the privilege of being invited out to J&M's house to see the baby and the nursery.  Baby A is back to her birth weight plus 2 oz (9lbs15oz for anyone keeping track!), which is right on track for just over two weeks old.  She has gotten even more beautiful in the last two weeks and J seems to be very in love with her new little girl.

Even better than seeing the baby was seeing J.  That probably sounds so strange to anyone...I mean, moms are great but babies are amazing!  But the crazy thing is, I bonded with J during the course of the pregnancy and even before.  She was the one that I got to know on a very personal level. I looked her in the eyes at 13 weeks when we thought we lost the baby...I also got to see the elation when that baby girl was safely delivered to her arms.  The best and worst of someone and I was there for those moments.  This woman will always be considered a very close, personal friend.  I am so thankful that she has continued to keep me updated on their lives and feels as close to me as I do to her. 



My new sewing cabinet all ready to go!



I have tried to start focusing on more than just the surrogacy though and while I am definitely feeling like I want to go down that path again, I need to focus on a few other things for a bit...like all my sewing!!



Eleanor's pup, not quite finished



Recently I bought "One Yard-Wonders" (available here for purchase: http://www.amazon.com/One-Yard-Wonders-Sewing-Fabric-Projects/dp/1603424490/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1304522035&sr=8-1) and decided to let Eleanor pick a project.  She went for a very cute little dog stuff animal.  I have never made anything stuffed in my life, outside of the square pillow category, but I am always up for a challenge.  The dog has a few little areas where it didn't quite turn out right, but I know as soon as the hand stitching is done (which I can't stand doing because I am horrible at it) she will have a new little pup to love.

Speaking of Eleanor, I haven't really had any good pictures of her lately so I decided to pull out my old camera. Apparently, the camera I got for Christmas 2009 has a strange flash setting (which I have tried to change and there are no other options for) and every picture I take of Miss Eleanor has her eyes closed.  The old camera doesn't have this problem, so now I have pictures of my baby with her eyes opened!! Yay!! 

Since I am adding photos to this post, I will also add pics of the other babies in the house...Niko (orange tabby) and Sasha (white with black points).  They are both coming up on their 2nd birthdays and they really round out the crew. Niko likes to nose at the blinds and meow so you open them up.  He goes all around the house doing this and it really is cute.

 Life feels so very complete right now.  Amazing to look around and feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be...