One part that sort of goes unnoticed when being a surrogate is all the "behind the scenes" work between doctors offices, attorneys, intended parents and the actual surrogate. That part isn't really that fun to write about but it does provide a little back drop to anyone really wanting to know how this whole surrogacy thing works.
When I first met my IPs in person, their Reproductive Endocrinologist gave my uterus a quick look and did a basic review of my medical history. This past Monday (Dec. 5th), I had to set up an appointment with my own doctor for blood work (no one goes into this process without being tested for a million and one things--regulations on IVF and anything that involves taking something from someone and putting it elsewhere, medically speaking, is strictly monitored). I also had to have a sonohystogram--the doctor uses saline to fill up my uterus and views it all via ultrasound. Completely painless and it gives a great picture of the true state of my uterus...checking for any endometriosis, polyps, blockages...anything that could cause any trouble during the IVF procedure.
The doctor I saw at my OBGYN and he is the same doctor that my last IPs originally starting working with 8 years ago. He handled all the monitoring of my first surrogacy and it is wonderful to have such a familiar and encouraging face to interact with once again. Although, I must say, familiarity and comfort is one thing but to be told by a medical professional that you have one of the best uteri (is that the plural of uterus??) in town is somewhere between awesome and kind of creepy. I guess for a surrogate, that type of phrasing is like getting all "A's" on your report card--but I really didn't have anything to do with the state of my uterus, I was just born this way.
Monday I also mailed our final contract to the IPs attorney. Having that 30 page book out of my hands is a good feeling. So much is discussed during the contract and so many different scenarios have to be discussed. Plus all the financial talks happen during the contract stage and that is typically the hardest part for my independent matches. Luckily I had put together a nice financial calendar so everything was discussed via email and settled on before the atttorneys even got involved.
I do feel good knowing that having this awesome uterus, it is getting put to good use. I never would have thought that "gestating" would be something I was given by God, but surprises abound. I am still excited to continue to have a great relationship with my last IPs and they are cheering on this next couple too. Surrogacy will always be a part of who I am, no matter where I am on this path of life. Being able to share something as amazing as motherhood, is something I will always value. I truly feel blessed to be able to do this for someone else. My life was enriched by my last IPs and just knowing them...I feel like this is already happening with this next couple as well. We come into people's lives are different times for different purposes and reasons...in as much as I have changed the lives of two people, they have also changed mine.
And we also have a date for our IVF transfer--January 20th. Whatever happens, 2012 is going to be just as rewarding as 2011.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Meeting the Parents
Its a funny thing when you talk about meeting someones parents...its really sort of crazy when that someone hasn't been born yet, but you are meeting the people that want them here so badly. I met a great couple yesterday. A couple that technically are parents, to four embryos carefully frozen at their RE's office. Four beautiful embryos (they would only transfer 2 at at time) that are ready to be given a chance to grow in the right environment...my environment. I got the thumbs up with the "A+ Uterus" seal of approval from the doc, so we spent most of the evening talking and getting to know each other in person. There have been lots of emails over the last few weeks, a few texts and a single voicemail. It is amazing how you can hear kindness instantly in some people. And it is wonderful when your gut is right and you meet two people and instantly have to hug them.
The thing about meeting two people in this particular situation is that the actual meeting is something like a job interview and something like a first date. You want them to like you and you want to like them, but you also want to make sure that everyone is comfortable enough to be honest. This whole process requires people to really get down to the nitty-gritty and think of things they would rather not. Some pretty dire situations have to be discussed and everything spelled out because it all has to be put into a contract. You have to agree to worst case situations before there are any situations--because later on hormones are involved and no telling how rational anyone will be then.
The other part is that they have been through so much. I am excited to help and eager to see the whole process unfold...but they have been repeatedly broken hearted and have to be cautious. I have seen that look before and know it well, and fortunately I was able to watch as the caution slowly melted away into excitement. God has a plan for us all and I think being an experienced surrogate is exactly what this couple needs. They need a little hope and I hope I can give that to them.
I had been worried that after knowing J&M and working with them so closely since they were local, that it would be hard to connect with anyone else. I know this experience will be very different, yet I think it will also be just as wonderful. I met two people yesterday that need to be parents. You could see in their faces and hear it in their voices when they spoke of how far they had gone just to get to this point. They need to have a child of their very own and this is the path they must take to make it a reality.
Oh and on a positive note already, the doc has a different protocol that uses less injections (no lupron this time) and estrogen by mouth instead of a million patches all at once. We will even be going into this process with higher odds than the last go round--and we got pregnant the first try!
The thing about meeting two people in this particular situation is that the actual meeting is something like a job interview and something like a first date. You want them to like you and you want to like them, but you also want to make sure that everyone is comfortable enough to be honest. This whole process requires people to really get down to the nitty-gritty and think of things they would rather not. Some pretty dire situations have to be discussed and everything spelled out because it all has to be put into a contract. You have to agree to worst case situations before there are any situations--because later on hormones are involved and no telling how rational anyone will be then.
The other part is that they have been through so much. I am excited to help and eager to see the whole process unfold...but they have been repeatedly broken hearted and have to be cautious. I have seen that look before and know it well, and fortunately I was able to watch as the caution slowly melted away into excitement. God has a plan for us all and I think being an experienced surrogate is exactly what this couple needs. They need a little hope and I hope I can give that to them.
I had been worried that after knowing J&M and working with them so closely since they were local, that it would be hard to connect with anyone else. I know this experience will be very different, yet I think it will also be just as wonderful. I met two people yesterday that need to be parents. You could see in their faces and hear it in their voices when they spoke of how far they had gone just to get to this point. They need to have a child of their very own and this is the path they must take to make it a reality.
Oh and on a positive note already, the doc has a different protocol that uses less injections (no lupron this time) and estrogen by mouth instead of a million patches all at once. We will even be going into this process with higher odds than the last go round--and we got pregnant the first try!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
(He's) Being Thankful...
In the retail world, we see the in-store holidays go from Halloween directly to Christmas. After spending a bit of time at our favorite big box store yesterday, we were inundated with Christmas cheer. At bedtime last night, Miss E said something about Halloween being over and now it is time for Christmas! She was super excited and I paused for a moment, almost letting it go...but I couldn't. I NEED for my kids to be thankful. Maybe it is one of those maternal instincts or maybe it is just me. So I added in that before we can really appreciate Christmas, we must remember Thanksgiving and take time to be thankful for all that we have.
Miss E made a comment about being thankful for Santa...but my sweet 7-year old boy quickly said he could think of 10 Things that he was thankful for before he went to bed. He started thinking and quickly rattled off being thankful for toys...but here is his list in no particular order (with just a smidgen of help from me):
1. Toys to play with
2. A nice warm house
3. Computers to play
4. Good food to eat
5. A kind family
6. Books to read
7. Great friends
8. Being healthy (ok I helped here, but he quickly agreed)
9. A good school where he can learn a lot
10. To have a mom and dad since some kids don't (this was all him)
Then this morning he came to me as I was typing added #11. Being thankful for God for creating us and our planet. We don't go to church so this was somewhat surprising, yet warmed my heart.
Number 10 though really hit me hard. He made a point to say it separately from having a kind family--which in itself made me proud. What a sweet, sweet boy. I am so very thankful for the children I have and can't imagine my world without them. Being a mom has brought me more joy and love than I could have ever known in this world.
And his comment following seeing his list here..."I'm thankful for more than I am years old"...I think if you can think of enough things to surpass your years, you are doing something right. I think I might have to sit down myself and see how many things I am thankful for...as I am positive that list would be greater than my own 33 years.
Miss E made a comment about being thankful for Santa...but my sweet 7-year old boy quickly said he could think of 10 Things that he was thankful for before he went to bed. He started thinking and quickly rattled off being thankful for toys...but here is his list in no particular order (with just a smidgen of help from me):
1. Toys to play with
2. A nice warm house
3. Computers to play
4. Good food to eat
5. A kind family
6. Books to read
7. Great friends
8. Being healthy (ok I helped here, but he quickly agreed)
9. A good school where he can learn a lot
10. To have a mom and dad since some kids don't (this was all him)
Then this morning he came to me as I was typing added #11. Being thankful for God for creating us and our planet. We don't go to church so this was somewhat surprising, yet warmed my heart.
Number 10 though really hit me hard. He made a point to say it separately from having a kind family--which in itself made me proud. What a sweet, sweet boy. I am so very thankful for the children I have and can't imagine my world without them. Being a mom has brought me more joy and love than I could have ever known in this world.
And his comment following seeing his list here..."I'm thankful for more than I am years old"...I think if you can think of enough things to surpass your years, you are doing something right. I think I might have to sit down myself and see how many things I am thankful for...as I am positive that list would be greater than my own 33 years.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Here we go again...
So this blog is my launch pad, where I gather my thoughts and share with those close to me what I have in the works. Sometimes I post on facebook and sometimes people get get phone calls...but sometimes, you just want to shout something from the rooftops and a blog is the modern version of doing just that.
Here I can't contain myself any longer. I have prayed and prayed about what to do next with my life. I thought getting a job would fulfill my extra time so I couldn't dwell on my own children growing up and being in school full time. I thought that being busy would mean I wouldn't feel the pull to go down a certain path once more. I really thought that I would use my sewing and crafting to fulfill any extra spaces. I wasn't sure for a while if I ever wanted to be pregnant again, but I guess I don't like odd numbers or I just want the chance to do something extraordinary once more...but I am pursuing another surrogacy. This probably isn't the best means of sharing...but some things just need to be shared all at once with everything put out there.
In my last post, I mentioned seeing my FIM with her baby. Seeing the happiness in her face that she was able to show off her baby to the world, solidified a feeling that had been growing in my heart. I was pretty sure in those moments after childbirth that I would have to do this again, but in that instant I knew without a doubt. I would need to help one more family be created. I know it is a lot to ask of my family and friends. I could not have gotten through the rough spots in the last pregnancy without the help of many special people. I feel greedy in asking for their support again. Yet something about four pregnancies just feels complete. I don't feel like I will need to do this again.
Knowing I want to be a surrogate again and knowing what my own family has in the works for the next few years--adding sports and travel to our lives, this time just feels like the right time to pursue it. We have our own plans for the future where being pregnant would not fit. My heart is calling out for something and I just can't ignore it. I have talked with a few different couples over the last few months, but the couple I am continuing with gave me the same type of feeling I got when I first talked with J&M.
The new IPs (Intended Parents), C&J, have said that I can continue to blog about our journey and I look forward to sharing this experience from the very beginning. This blog should serve as a nice reminder for myself and anyone close to me, why I am going down this path. I feel blessed that I can do something, give hope, where there has been heartache. And while each journey is different and the end result is unknown, I feel like having the opportunity to try is worth it. I hope that next year at this time I can be blogging about a birth, but I may still be somewhere in the midst of a pregnancy or even contemplating why it didn't go as planned...whatever stage I am in is for the love of family. If I can teach my children to be compassionate and to reach out when they can, I will be able to look back on my life knowing I did something right as a mother.
Here I can't contain myself any longer. I have prayed and prayed about what to do next with my life. I thought getting a job would fulfill my extra time so I couldn't dwell on my own children growing up and being in school full time. I thought that being busy would mean I wouldn't feel the pull to go down a certain path once more. I really thought that I would use my sewing and crafting to fulfill any extra spaces. I wasn't sure for a while if I ever wanted to be pregnant again, but I guess I don't like odd numbers or I just want the chance to do something extraordinary once more...but I am pursuing another surrogacy. This probably isn't the best means of sharing...but some things just need to be shared all at once with everything put out there.
In my last post, I mentioned seeing my FIM with her baby. Seeing the happiness in her face that she was able to show off her baby to the world, solidified a feeling that had been growing in my heart. I was pretty sure in those moments after childbirth that I would have to do this again, but in that instant I knew without a doubt. I would need to help one more family be created. I know it is a lot to ask of my family and friends. I could not have gotten through the rough spots in the last pregnancy without the help of many special people. I feel greedy in asking for their support again. Yet something about four pregnancies just feels complete. I don't feel like I will need to do this again.
Knowing I want to be a surrogate again and knowing what my own family has in the works for the next few years--adding sports and travel to our lives, this time just feels like the right time to pursue it. We have our own plans for the future where being pregnant would not fit. My heart is calling out for something and I just can't ignore it. I have talked with a few different couples over the last few months, but the couple I am continuing with gave me the same type of feeling I got when I first talked with J&M.
The new IPs (Intended Parents), C&J, have said that I can continue to blog about our journey and I look forward to sharing this experience from the very beginning. This blog should serve as a nice reminder for myself and anyone close to me, why I am going down this path. I feel blessed that I can do something, give hope, where there has been heartache. And while each journey is different and the end result is unknown, I feel like having the opportunity to try is worth it. I hope that next year at this time I can be blogging about a birth, but I may still be somewhere in the midst of a pregnancy or even contemplating why it didn't go as planned...whatever stage I am in is for the love of family. If I can teach my children to be compassionate and to reach out when they can, I will be able to look back on my life knowing I did something right as a mother.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
And six months later...
Happy Half-Birthday Baby A!!!
Wow is all I can say. Time has been flying since I gave birth in April. I keep forgetting just how many months have passed. I guess when you put your life on hold, and then pick back up...you have a lot to make up for! Between throwing myself back into my own family and starting a part time job, I have stayed busy. I must say I am doing really well. The first question when I was pregnant was always...how can you give away the baby? And feeling confident, I would always reply that it isn't my baby and seeing her with her parents should be the easy part...well, I was right. It was really easy. I have never had a moment of regret/concern/second thought. I didn't give away my child, I simply delivered a child to her parents.
As part of this update, I wanted to make note of how my relationship with my FIPs (former intended parents) has gone. Some surrogates don't have any communication afterward, some have frequent updates. You get so close to someone during pregnancy--my FIM (the mom) was someone I talked to daily, sometimes throughout the day...since we met last March. And I knew it would end when she had a newborn to keep her company and I was no longer the center of her world. And I knew I would be okay, but it is still something anyone looking into surrogacy needs to understand. It will change. It will be different. My FIM missed me too which I wasn't prepared for--so we have made a point to keep in touch as often as we can. Many experienced surrogates have something planned for the "after". An event or hobby to really focus on...those post-partum hormones do take time to work out and having something fun to do can really help. No matter how close you are with your FIPs, they have their family and like anyone with a newborn, weeks can go by without a phone call to anyone outside the house. It isn't anything personal and honestly I was glad to really focus on my life for a while when the hormones were at the highest peak and I was still adjusting to an empty belly.
Sleep is something that you do get to enjoy after birth however and I think that makes a huge difference in your mental state as a surrogate. I never had the blues like I did after my own children. Yet the weight didn't fall off as quickly because I wasn't nursing a child, but here six months later, and I am pretty close to fitting into my old clothes. About once a week something else will decide to fit. I am sure if I had stuck with the gym, this would have been the case months ago. :-) My life is back to how it was, just with all blinders removed. I was changed forever by this surrogacy. I have a new appreciation for family and for the true friends that stood by me during this first journey. I am so much busier now with my life and every day embrace all that is represented by being busy...a roof over my head, food on the table and someone waiting for me at the end of the day. I would never have experienced this level of appreciation without entering into the world of surrogacy. I would never have seen what people go through just to make a family. I would never have gotten to know some of the most amazing people if I had never met my FIPs. I was one of the very lucky ones...my FIM and I hit it off right away and knew from the beginning we would have an amazing journey.
My faith is stronger and truer knowing that science can only do so much when it comes to creating life...life is and will always be something decided by God. Infertility is a life changer, no matter which side of the fence you are on...the doors that open because of it can sometimes surprise you. I saw my FIM a few weeks ago showing off her baby girl to some friends and it really hit me that life will never be the same for them. I did that. I made her dream come true but I didn't do it alone. Surrogacy is a group effort and the many people in my life that supported me, made it all possible. So six months out, I want to thank everyone again...for no telling what the future may bring.
Monday, October 10, 2011
How do you do it??
So I am busy now with my part time job that landed amazingly in my lap. I feel lucky...blessed for this opportunity that actually uses my finance degree and allows me to get dressed up and interact with actual grown ups during the week. This blessing is huge...a huge adjustment. I don't know how most of the population does it with work and family--and most people I know work full time...with more than one child...with after school activities...with a church to visit multiple times a week...geez. So how do I with my two elementary school children and a part time job feel like I can't get one step ahead?? I guess this is why there are cleaning ladies and restaurants...maybe those are two things I need to utilize a lot more often.
I have had so many different blog posts in my mind...so much has happend since the kiddos went back to school the first week of August. A week ago Eleanor lost her first tooth--I remember when that tooth popped through the gums and now it has made way for the adult tooth that I was just able to see yesterday. The years are going by so quickly and even when I throw out my arms and legs making my best impression of a big "X," time continues slipping by.
Today I had one of those moments where you are overwhelmed with all you have and not all you have to do. After the rush to get everyone out by 7:20am, we were on the way to school when I stopped at a red light. A single glimpse into the rear-view mirror reminded me of the real meaning of my life. I love my two back seat passengers more than anything on this planet and in those very moments, I had to give in to the huge-ness of what I have in this life and how I couldn't ask for more (other than an extra hour or two in the day). Life is crazy and busy and hectic...but good. We have taken more moments to spend as a family and made sure in all the busy-ness that everyone gets an extra hug or kiss at the end of the day.
I got new pictures of J&M's baby this morning. Almost six months old. Six months since I finished my nine month baby growing project. Maybe seeing that little miracle helped remind me of my own miracles. I was afraid I would forget that feeling and for a bit, in the hustle and bustle, I started to. I don't want to ever take for granted those amazing children or make them feeling anything less than completely loved. I want to teach them to be happy, healthy people who understand how hard this life is but also how great it can be. Things aren't always easy, but looking around and seeing the friends and family that love me makes me see exactly how I have made it so far. Busy people may not have a lot of time for friends and family, but they sure will appreciate those moments that are taken out for the people in our lives that matter most. I guess at this point in my life I should be thankful I have an amazing husband. Someone to pick up the slack around the house and encourage me when I am feeling run down. I am starting to see that a mom is a really great mom when she has a really great man behind her.
I have had so many different blog posts in my mind...so much has happend since the kiddos went back to school the first week of August. A week ago Eleanor lost her first tooth--I remember when that tooth popped through the gums and now it has made way for the adult tooth that I was just able to see yesterday. The years are going by so quickly and even when I throw out my arms and legs making my best impression of a big "X," time continues slipping by.
Today I had one of those moments where you are overwhelmed with all you have and not all you have to do. After the rush to get everyone out by 7:20am, we were on the way to school when I stopped at a red light. A single glimpse into the rear-view mirror reminded me of the real meaning of my life. I love my two back seat passengers more than anything on this planet and in those very moments, I had to give in to the huge-ness of what I have in this life and how I couldn't ask for more (other than an extra hour or two in the day). Life is crazy and busy and hectic...but good. We have taken more moments to spend as a family and made sure in all the busy-ness that everyone gets an extra hug or kiss at the end of the day.
I got new pictures of J&M's baby this morning. Almost six months old. Six months since I finished my nine month baby growing project. Maybe seeing that little miracle helped remind me of my own miracles. I was afraid I would forget that feeling and for a bit, in the hustle and bustle, I started to. I don't want to ever take for granted those amazing children or make them feeling anything less than completely loved. I want to teach them to be happy, healthy people who understand how hard this life is but also how great it can be. Things aren't always easy, but looking around and seeing the friends and family that love me makes me see exactly how I have made it so far. Busy people may not have a lot of time for friends and family, but they sure will appreciate those moments that are taken out for the people in our lives that matter most. I guess at this point in my life I should be thankful I have an amazing husband. Someone to pick up the slack around the house and encourage me when I am feeling run down. I am starting to see that a mom is a really great mom when she has a really great man behind her.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
I'm back...at least for a minute.
I have so much to tell and to share. The last few weeks have been full and we have gone through so much. Changes. Adjustments. Some good...some harder. I don't even know where to begin as I want to just ramble on for a while.
Maybe I will start with this week and work my way back. :-) Monday we had our first ER visit as Alexander had something fall on his hand. With all the purple swelling that immediately appeared, I was sure that he had some type of crazy bleed going on under the skin that was just waiting to explode and cause great blood loss. Apparently, I also completely blow things out of proportion in my mind when it comes to my kiddos. He hurt his hand and while it swelled up and looked awful, it was just a tiny fracture. Four days in a half-cast/splint/sling and no fracture could be seen on the new x-ray. The hand is bruised but hasn't hurt him at all. I am thankful that the situation wasn't worse and thankful that it has healed up so quickly. I am also thankful to know that our hospital does have an awesome Pediatric ER.
Tuesday we had an earthquake. This was definitely one of those things you don't expect on the East Coast and there has been plenty of mockery online and on the news. It was just a little rumble but it was unsettling--especially to be reminded that you can't control everything and we are still on a planet that is ever changing. We are so little in the grand scheme of things.
Wednesday brought a rebirth of Eleanor's troubles leaving me in the mornings. She has had a rough time separating at school and we had been making progress. We are both struggling with the mornings--I hate to make her go when she just wants to stay with me, but I have to get to work now (see how much I haven't shared lately??). She does love her teacher but doesn't get the one-on-one that I think she misses from preschool. Jumping from 14 kids in a class to 25 would be an adjustment for everyone. It leaves me torn being a mom that wants her child to be strong and independent, but also sad that my baby just wants to be with me and I must tell her no.
Thursday we had doctor visits--Alex at the doctor for his hand to see how everything was going and it was going great. He is all but healed and ready to play again! He is able to write and be so much more independent at school. I think he was embarrassed that he had to get help from his classmates. Eleanor had a doctor visit too and I was so put off by our new doctor that I didn't know what to say. We have been somewhat disgruntled at this particular practice for a while but always loved the doctor we saw. He recently moved and a new doctor came. I figured a female pediatrician would probably be nice but I was wrong. I am amazed that she has her own children. Her nurse was the same sort of distant, non-patient person that just wanted to be done for the day. I did promptly call and switch our primary (just in case we get sick) and ask for recommendations from friends. I am going to make this change that I have been putting off for so long...I mean even, the doc I really liked misdiagnosed Alex with allergies for three years before the ENT said he had sinus problems.
Friday. I don't even know what to say about Friday other than I am so glad this week is over. I have a new appreciation for Saturday now that we are out of the house all week long. Normally I am off work Fridays but today I worked to make up for taking Monday off (teacher workday). I am trying my best to help out at school, work on a fundraiser, keep up with the kids and still have energy left for my husband. So far, it isn't all coming together as well as I would like. I need to figure out the balance of energy since that seems to be getting me more than the actual balance of time. I don't know how working moms do it but I hope that very soon, I will figure out this new life.
I kept thinking that when both kids went to school I would get so much done. Instead my projects keep moving further down the list of important things to do as the everyday requirements take over. Feeling overwhelmed already, I know that I must take time to prioritize. I need to get back in the gym--even if I don't push myself enough to help physically, it makes a world of difference mentally. I love every moment of my day and the people around me. I just wish I had more energy to let them all know. I am letting my life go past me again and I need to stop and make sure that the promises I made to myself and my family aren't forgotten.
And to Catey...I have so much to blog about so just you wait!! ;-)
Maybe I will start with this week and work my way back. :-) Monday we had our first ER visit as Alexander had something fall on his hand. With all the purple swelling that immediately appeared, I was sure that he had some type of crazy bleed going on under the skin that was just waiting to explode and cause great blood loss. Apparently, I also completely blow things out of proportion in my mind when it comes to my kiddos. He hurt his hand and while it swelled up and looked awful, it was just a tiny fracture. Four days in a half-cast/splint/sling and no fracture could be seen on the new x-ray. The hand is bruised but hasn't hurt him at all. I am thankful that the situation wasn't worse and thankful that it has healed up so quickly. I am also thankful to know that our hospital does have an awesome Pediatric ER.
Tuesday we had an earthquake. This was definitely one of those things you don't expect on the East Coast and there has been plenty of mockery online and on the news. It was just a little rumble but it was unsettling--especially to be reminded that you can't control everything and we are still on a planet that is ever changing. We are so little in the grand scheme of things.
Wednesday brought a rebirth of Eleanor's troubles leaving me in the mornings. She has had a rough time separating at school and we had been making progress. We are both struggling with the mornings--I hate to make her go when she just wants to stay with me, but I have to get to work now (see how much I haven't shared lately??). She does love her teacher but doesn't get the one-on-one that I think she misses from preschool. Jumping from 14 kids in a class to 25 would be an adjustment for everyone. It leaves me torn being a mom that wants her child to be strong and independent, but also sad that my baby just wants to be with me and I must tell her no.
Thursday we had doctor visits--Alex at the doctor for his hand to see how everything was going and it was going great. He is all but healed and ready to play again! He is able to write and be so much more independent at school. I think he was embarrassed that he had to get help from his classmates. Eleanor had a doctor visit too and I was so put off by our new doctor that I didn't know what to say. We have been somewhat disgruntled at this particular practice for a while but always loved the doctor we saw. He recently moved and a new doctor came. I figured a female pediatrician would probably be nice but I was wrong. I am amazed that she has her own children. Her nurse was the same sort of distant, non-patient person that just wanted to be done for the day. I did promptly call and switch our primary (just in case we get sick) and ask for recommendations from friends. I am going to make this change that I have been putting off for so long...I mean even, the doc I really liked misdiagnosed Alex with allergies for three years before the ENT said he had sinus problems.
Friday. I don't even know what to say about Friday other than I am so glad this week is over. I have a new appreciation for Saturday now that we are out of the house all week long. Normally I am off work Fridays but today I worked to make up for taking Monday off (teacher workday). I am trying my best to help out at school, work on a fundraiser, keep up with the kids and still have energy left for my husband. So far, it isn't all coming together as well as I would like. I need to figure out the balance of energy since that seems to be getting me more than the actual balance of time. I don't know how working moms do it but I hope that very soon, I will figure out this new life.
I kept thinking that when both kids went to school I would get so much done. Instead my projects keep moving further down the list of important things to do as the everyday requirements take over. Feeling overwhelmed already, I know that I must take time to prioritize. I need to get back in the gym--even if I don't push myself enough to help physically, it makes a world of difference mentally. I love every moment of my day and the people around me. I just wish I had more energy to let them all know. I am letting my life go past me again and I need to stop and make sure that the promises I made to myself and my family aren't forgotten.
And to Catey...I have so much to blog about so just you wait!! ;-)
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Changes
Just a few weeks ago I was struggling with where I needed to go next. It is so strange how thinking and praying about something can actually give you a result. I know at this point that so much of my life has come in a time that is not my own, but it is all part of a bigger plan. It is so hard to be patient and wait when answers elude you. There are times when your "needs" are actually "wants" and time is the only thing that shows you this truth.
It is funny to me how surrogacy has changed my life. Taking a year "off" of my own life and learning to appreciate all that I can do (like carry more than a gallon of milk!) that I typically take for granted. Believing in this process and knowing that God will make anything happen that is supposed to...learning to trust and have faith. The turning points in my life have all been like this. I struggle with something and then after a while, things begin to happen and I see a clear answer. With the surrogacy, we got pregnant the first try, had some ups and downs during the pregnancy, but the end result was a wonderfully healthy baby girl. I truly learned the meaning of family and love over the last year. I learned who is there for me and taught my children how to reach out and help other people. Things came out of this last year, other than a baby, that I never anticipated. And for the friends, the family, the support...I am grateful.
So I have been praying about where to go next, where to put my energy for the next little while. And the other day I got a phone call about a part time job. A job where I would be in an office, dressing nicely, interacting with people. Actually using skills that have been on the shelf for a very long time. I got excited. It all felt right and the flexibility will allow me to still be involved at school. I would go to work after I drop the kids off and when I am done working I can leisurely get in the car pool line--we still start and end our days together and that is what I want for my family. There will be an occasional time where the kids will be at home with hubby during the work day but he has committed to helping however he can. I don't mind a "movie day" every once in a while since I know how hard the kids work at school and if this means that I don't impose on anyone else all that often, it seems good to me. I know I will need some help though and the next few weeks will involve lining up a few back up people.
This past month has also involved some physical changes. Four personal training sessions along with a personal workout plan and I have noticed a new feeling: strength. I can physically push myself to do things I didn't think possible. While I haven't really lost weight, I am changing my body. My balance has improved and I feel like I am standing taller as muscles are long and lean. The challenge of exercise has provided a mental rush too...so I feel like there have been lots of mind/body improvements going on.
And the last change for this month will be my baby turning five. A five year old is so different from a four-year old and things start to happen at an exceptionally quick rate. This first year of elementary school takes in a little kid and at the end, there will be a very grown up, independent child that be capable of so much more than you ever imagined. I have anticipated this change and looked forward to it at times, but it is the most heart wrenching part of my life right now. It seems like she was just put in my arms for the first time, a moment ago...and the years of spitting up, learning to walk and potty-training are now just a blink. Where has the time gone? My baby girl is less than a week away from turning 5 and just two weeks away from starting kindergarten. I hope I am ready, because I know without a doubt that she is.
Life can change so quickly and I feel so blessed that those changes, even when they seem major, have always brought something positive. I look forward to this new chapter and am curious to see if there is anything else around the corner!
It is funny to me how surrogacy has changed my life. Taking a year "off" of my own life and learning to appreciate all that I can do (like carry more than a gallon of milk!) that I typically take for granted. Believing in this process and knowing that God will make anything happen that is supposed to...learning to trust and have faith. The turning points in my life have all been like this. I struggle with something and then after a while, things begin to happen and I see a clear answer. With the surrogacy, we got pregnant the first try, had some ups and downs during the pregnancy, but the end result was a wonderfully healthy baby girl. I truly learned the meaning of family and love over the last year. I learned who is there for me and taught my children how to reach out and help other people. Things came out of this last year, other than a baby, that I never anticipated. And for the friends, the family, the support...I am grateful.
So I have been praying about where to go next, where to put my energy for the next little while. And the other day I got a phone call about a part time job. A job where I would be in an office, dressing nicely, interacting with people. Actually using skills that have been on the shelf for a very long time. I got excited. It all felt right and the flexibility will allow me to still be involved at school. I would go to work after I drop the kids off and when I am done working I can leisurely get in the car pool line--we still start and end our days together and that is what I want for my family. There will be an occasional time where the kids will be at home with hubby during the work day but he has committed to helping however he can. I don't mind a "movie day" every once in a while since I know how hard the kids work at school and if this means that I don't impose on anyone else all that often, it seems good to me. I know I will need some help though and the next few weeks will involve lining up a few back up people.
This past month has also involved some physical changes. Four personal training sessions along with a personal workout plan and I have noticed a new feeling: strength. I can physically push myself to do things I didn't think possible. While I haven't really lost weight, I am changing my body. My balance has improved and I feel like I am standing taller as muscles are long and lean. The challenge of exercise has provided a mental rush too...so I feel like there have been lots of mind/body improvements going on.
And the last change for this month will be my baby turning five. A five year old is so different from a four-year old and things start to happen at an exceptionally quick rate. This first year of elementary school takes in a little kid and at the end, there will be a very grown up, independent child that be capable of so much more than you ever imagined. I have anticipated this change and looked forward to it at times, but it is the most heart wrenching part of my life right now. It seems like she was just put in my arms for the first time, a moment ago...and the years of spitting up, learning to walk and potty-training are now just a blink. Where has the time gone? My baby girl is less than a week away from turning 5 and just two weeks away from starting kindergarten. I hope I am ready, because I know without a doubt that she is.
Life can change so quickly and I feel so blessed that those changes, even when they seem major, have always brought something positive. I look forward to this new chapter and am curious to see if there is anything else around the corner!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Some days...
are harder than others. You look around and see so many people with newborns or getting ready for a new baby and you have to stop and think...should I have another? Should I focus on helping those that can't when I have such an amazing family? Or should I add to this awesome group with one more amazing soul? It has been 12 weeks and 1 day since I gave birth. That whole concept seems strange to me. I read blogs about a baby that might come home this week, after months in the NICU. I have a friend recovering from a hysterectomy that is done with her family, yet still battled with this whole idea up until her day of surgery. I sit here with an empty belly wondering..."what is next?" And I just don't know. I don't know what this life holds for me next. My kids are so big...my baby starts kindergarten in a few weeks. My family is done and complete, but my heart still aches. Is it to help someone else or just to take a few moments to grieve that my children are growing up?
Emotions are still raw at this point. I feel "normal" but not sure some days exactly what that means. I feel strong and secure in my desire to help someone else have that family that they have longed for. I feel badly that it all came to me so easily when so many people work so hard for a it. Really, why is it so hard? Why do some people struggle. Life is not fair when you want a baby and it doesn't happen. Am I selfish to sometimes struggle with wanting a third child when my two healthy children are the light of my life? Should I put this energy into making my body strong so I can help someone else have what I treasure the most? Why are some days so hard? Why are some days filled with uncertainty when other days everything seems so clear?
I guess for now, I will spend time with all the babies in my life and treasure my "big kids" and the independence they have. I know for certain that surrogacy has allowed me a very unique opportunity to appreciate my family and all that I have and for right now, in this moment, that is all I need to feel right with the world.
Emotions are still raw at this point. I feel "normal" but not sure some days exactly what that means. I feel strong and secure in my desire to help someone else have that family that they have longed for. I feel badly that it all came to me so easily when so many people work so hard for a it. Really, why is it so hard? Why do some people struggle. Life is not fair when you want a baby and it doesn't happen. Am I selfish to sometimes struggle with wanting a third child when my two healthy children are the light of my life? Should I put this energy into making my body strong so I can help someone else have what I treasure the most? Why are some days so hard? Why are some days filled with uncertainty when other days everything seems so clear?
I guess for now, I will spend time with all the babies in my life and treasure my "big kids" and the independence they have. I know for certain that surrogacy has allowed me a very unique opportunity to appreciate my family and all that I have and for right now, in this moment, that is all I need to feel right with the world.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Home of the Free
Just a few days after Independence Day I am still reeling from all that is our annual celebration. While everyone is able to have whatever opinion of this country that they wish, I am proud to be an American. I know that we may not always make the *best* choices as a nation, but we always *do* something. We stand beside each other in times of tragedy and fight each other in times of disagreement...and no one is persecuted because these are rights we have given ourselves as Americans.
My husband was telling me about an encounter he had with foreign businessman the other day...the man may have been half joking, but he said the thing he liked best about the United States was that he could say whatever he wanted when he was here. If he voiced his opinion at home, he could be locked up. I think that is the basis of what makes America all that it is. We can believe in whatever we please and shout it from the rooftops. We don't all have to agree; we can voice our differences. We can be heard as a people.
At my house, we have a rule that you don't have to like everyone in your class, but you have to be nice. I just don't get why nations can't try a little of this idea. I mean, there are plenty of people I don't agree with all the time, heck, some of them are my friends...but we agree that we have different opinions on certain things and focus on the other parts of our relationship. I have learned a lot from people that have different ideas and different ways of doing things. I feel like I am a better person because of all the people around me that have different views. What is the harm in hearing someone out?
So we celebrated all weekend long. Telling the kids that we are so very lucky to live in this country where they can grow up to be anything they want. They can make whatever life they chose. They can be proud to live in the United States and proud to be Americans. Even in this time of uncertainty, we are lucky. We have each other, a home, and friends and family that love us. We feel safe and secure in our home.
While I know that other countries can offer amazing things (Canada with an awesome maternity leave policy and Greece with an incredible retirement age of 53), I wouldn't trade my citizenship for anything. Heck, if I lived somewhere else, my spouse could have been chosen for me, I may have been limited to one child or never had the option to be a surrogate. The best things in my life are the things I have chosen so freely to have. And for that, I am so very thankful to be an American.
My husband was telling me about an encounter he had with foreign businessman the other day...the man may have been half joking, but he said the thing he liked best about the United States was that he could say whatever he wanted when he was here. If he voiced his opinion at home, he could be locked up. I think that is the basis of what makes America all that it is. We can believe in whatever we please and shout it from the rooftops. We don't all have to agree; we can voice our differences. We can be heard as a people.
At my house, we have a rule that you don't have to like everyone in your class, but you have to be nice. I just don't get why nations can't try a little of this idea. I mean, there are plenty of people I don't agree with all the time, heck, some of them are my friends...but we agree that we have different opinions on certain things and focus on the other parts of our relationship. I have learned a lot from people that have different ideas and different ways of doing things. I feel like I am a better person because of all the people around me that have different views. What is the harm in hearing someone out?
So we celebrated all weekend long. Telling the kids that we are so very lucky to live in this country where they can grow up to be anything they want. They can make whatever life they chose. They can be proud to live in the United States and proud to be Americans. Even in this time of uncertainty, we are lucky. We have each other, a home, and friends and family that love us. We feel safe and secure in our home.
While I know that other countries can offer amazing things (Canada with an awesome maternity leave policy and Greece with an incredible retirement age of 53), I wouldn't trade my citizenship for anything. Heck, if I lived somewhere else, my spouse could have been chosen for me, I may have been limited to one child or never had the option to be a surrogate. The best things in my life are the things I have chosen so freely to have. And for that, I am so very thankful to be an American.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
And thinking...
So the last few weeks have been crazy. Nothing like the end of school to really push your limits. Plus I started working out and spent a good deal of time at the gym. I helped out at school on day and worked in a great preschool playdate for Miss E before big brother was out. We are pretty low key most of the time, so gearing up for summer and getting busy really wears us out. I was more relaxed with bedtimes too, since Alex didn't have homework last week...so we were off schedule quite a bit too.
Feeling the burn of muscles being used after so long of inactivity, is a really good feeling. I have never been athletic except for a year of JV Cheerleading Sophomore year and running a little in middle school. Through high school and college, I worked a lot and spent whole shifts on my feet and I guess that helped keep me thin all those years. Everyone knows that once you have kids, you never sit still and that has helped a good bit too. But now, well, the feeling of the muscles getting warm and tight has almost gotten addictive. This week, I am trying out some of the classes, but have a full on training session tomorrow. Yesterday I had all my measurements taken and it was humbling. I am glad I don't have prebaby numbers for comparison.
So lately I have been doing lots of thinking. Weighing pro's and con's of going down the surrogacy path again. I am hoping that this personal fitness journey will lead me to the best physical condition I can be in and at that point, another surrogacy. There is just something so life altering and amazing to see someone with a family...especially when they have waited so long. I don't want to put undue strain on my body, so I will get it where it needs to be. I want to do this again and the pull to my heart is just too strong. So I will exercise and eat right. I will enjoy my body while it is mine and when the time comes, I know the right couple will come along.
With the first journey, I didn't do a lot of looking around. I met an amazing couple and we clicked. The fact that they are local was interesting. At one point, I had been thinking that a couple that was somewhat far away would be better, easier, after delivery. But watching that mom go to the appointments, seeing the doctor talk to her as a first time mom, that was awesome. She got to be a major part of the pregnancy and I would love to have the same situation moving forward. Some of the newness of surrogacy has worn off, but I can say I am more prepared and know exactly what I need to do to get the best situation for everyone. I don't have plans to get pregnant until 2012 as I need time. Time for my family, time for friends, time to get strong and time to think about the last time I will be pregnant.
Until then, it is summer and we are already enjoying it. We have done arts and crafts (thanks http://disney.go.com/disneyjunior for your great games and ridiculously complicated print and cut activities), played outside and even hit the pool with friends. I am so glad to have my kids home and get out of schedule a little bit. We work so hard during the school year and with only six weeks off, well, we have earned the right to do whatever we want. August 4th will be here before I know it and I have 5.5weeks to get myself ready to have two kids in elementary school.
Feeling the burn of muscles being used after so long of inactivity, is a really good feeling. I have never been athletic except for a year of JV Cheerleading Sophomore year and running a little in middle school. Through high school and college, I worked a lot and spent whole shifts on my feet and I guess that helped keep me thin all those years. Everyone knows that once you have kids, you never sit still and that has helped a good bit too. But now, well, the feeling of the muscles getting warm and tight has almost gotten addictive. This week, I am trying out some of the classes, but have a full on training session tomorrow. Yesterday I had all my measurements taken and it was humbling. I am glad I don't have prebaby numbers for comparison.
So lately I have been doing lots of thinking. Weighing pro's and con's of going down the surrogacy path again. I am hoping that this personal fitness journey will lead me to the best physical condition I can be in and at that point, another surrogacy. There is just something so life altering and amazing to see someone with a family...especially when they have waited so long. I don't want to put undue strain on my body, so I will get it where it needs to be. I want to do this again and the pull to my heart is just too strong. So I will exercise and eat right. I will enjoy my body while it is mine and when the time comes, I know the right couple will come along.
With the first journey, I didn't do a lot of looking around. I met an amazing couple and we clicked. The fact that they are local was interesting. At one point, I had been thinking that a couple that was somewhat far away would be better, easier, after delivery. But watching that mom go to the appointments, seeing the doctor talk to her as a first time mom, that was awesome. She got to be a major part of the pregnancy and I would love to have the same situation moving forward. Some of the newness of surrogacy has worn off, but I can say I am more prepared and know exactly what I need to do to get the best situation for everyone. I don't have plans to get pregnant until 2012 as I need time. Time for my family, time for friends, time to get strong and time to think about the last time I will be pregnant.
Until then, it is summer and we are already enjoying it. We have done arts and crafts (thanks http://disney.go.com/disneyjunior for your great games and ridiculously complicated print and cut activities), played outside and even hit the pool with friends. I am so glad to have my kids home and get out of schedule a little bit. We work so hard during the school year and with only six weeks off, well, we have earned the right to do whatever we want. August 4th will be here before I know it and I have 5.5weeks to get myself ready to have two kids in elementary school.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Birthdays
So yesterday was my birthday and there is nothing like turning a year older on a Monday to make you think...and I thought all weekend long. Really, I can't believe all that the past year has held. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of no more preschool, friends that are moving away, babies that have been born. I lost a lot of myself in the last year, gave of my time and didn't realize until it was over how much was gone. But I also realized how many true friends I have and how much love is around me every single day. Friends and family that gave their time to help me, even when their own lives were already super busy. I have two friends in particular, that both have three kids of their own, and they took on my kids when I was sick or had doctors appointments. Wow. I called and they helped. But a lot of my friends were like that. Things happened over the last year and I had people there for me. I never realized how big the circle around me was until this past year. I took it for granted sometimes...yet, I think some people come into your life at a certain time for a reason, and I know that was true this year.
So when one year ends and you think back, you automatically find yourself looking just a bit forward as well. Meagan posted this on my Facebook page:
"
So when one year ends and you think back, you automatically find yourself looking just a bit forward as well. Meagan posted this on my Facebook page:
"
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Just call me Suzy Homemaker!
Out of nowhere I have gone crazy wanting to get my hands dirty in a little homemade goodness. I guess it started on Memorial Day weekend when I pulled out both my food processor and my heavy duty stand mixer. Whipping up a meal and dessert felt so good after months and months of being tired and pregnant. I am not complaining at all, as I loved almost every minute, but it was so good to run around the house cooking and cleaning.
Here's what I made for dessert for our Memorial Day cookout:
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| Triple Chocolate Cake with Glaze |
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| Lemon Squares |
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Friday was a day full of errands and the start of the baking frenzy. I made one of my families favorite muffins, Chocolate Chocolate-Chip . I already need to make more!! They are a little bit healthy and a whole lot yummy.
Saturday has already been a blur and it isn't even dinnertime. :-) I got the coffee pot cranking first thing as well as the usual load of laundry. For some reason I have been holding onto this box of Rice Chex and today I decided it was taking up too much space in the pantry. On the back were two different recipe cards, one for our favorite Muddy Buddies and another that resembles one of my favorite evening snacks of popcorn with Parmesan cheese and garlic powder...this just kicks it up a bit. I think part of me wanted to try out some recipes so I could have a few easy things to drop off when Miss C gets home with her new baby boy. And I think the other part of me was just hungry. I almost forgot I also made a batch of salsa, ate it all and had to make another batch by Saturday afternoon. This time I changed it slightly and added Rotel with Cilantro and Lime. Typically I don't do cilantro but was heavily pursuaded by the hubby to give it a try. I must say it was perfect!
I also have another muffin recipe that I got off of Allrecipes.com but made some major adjustments to suit my family. It was a Morning Glory muffin that I totally changed up to make use of carrot/apple pulp when my hubby was all about using his juicer. It was a lot easier to use the pulp than to go to all the trouble to grate up carrots and apples...but I did it anyway. The kitchen smelled so good with the Cinnamon and Nutmeg filling the room. On top of all the baking, some fabric that I had ordered arrived this morning!! I love the blog at http://www.pinkchalkfabrics.com/ and finally ordered something from their website. I am redoing the kids bath and found this great panel and fat-quarters set: http://www.pinkchalkfabrics.com/index.phpmain_page=product_info&cPath=232_303&products_id=6102 ... patchwork shower curtain coming up!! The fabric is all ironed and ready for me to figure out how the heck to get started. :-) I will show picks later in the week as my plan is to have the redo done by Friday!!
Happy Home-Making Everyone!!!
***
Recipes:
http://www.chex.com/Recipes/RecipeView.aspx?RecipeId=45296&CategoryId=447 I omitted the nuts
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Easy-Morning-Glory-Muffins/Detail.aspx I made major changes but this is where I started--happy to provide my changes if anyone is interested!!
Salsa (Similiar to Chili's Restaurant):
4 tsp Diced Jalapenos (can use canned or fresh)
1/4 cup Diced Yellow Onions
1 Can Rotel (used the Cilantro and Lime today but fine with Original)
1 Can Whole Tomatoes (14-15oz)
3/4 tsp Garlic Salt
1/2 tsp cumin
1/4 tsp sugar
Process Jalapenos and Onions in a food processor for a few seconds. Add both cans of tomatoes, salt, cumin and sugar. Process until desired consistency. Chill for a few hours to help the flavors blend. :-)
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Strength
I haven't been feeling so strong lately...and mostly, I mean this in the physical way. After the baby was born (and during which the pregnancy only allowed me six weeks of normal activity), my arms and legs were tired. My core muscles were gone and I felt loose, wobbly almost. Relying heavily on an abdominal support, I made my way through those first few weeks and started noticing that I felt tighter and stronger. I could carry things again without feeling a strain of overuse. Wednesday I had my post partum check up and was told what I pretty much knew already. My core muscles were weak, my pelvic floor was really weak. For anyone not familiar, your pelvic floor is pretty much the group of muscles that keeps your insides in. :-) When you are pregnant, these muscles work by holding your growing uterus. Sometimes no matter how many kegels you do, this muscle group is overextended. I was told that I needed time, a good bit of time, to strengthen these muscles before I even consider getting pregnant again...
...I guess I should stop here to say that I as stressful as being a surrogate was at times, I really look back at the entire experience with a very positive feeling. I would love to be able to help J&M again if they decide they want a sibling...and if they don't, well, I feel like there is someone else out there that I might be able to help. I haven't decided whether or not I want to be a surrogate again and with the doctor telling me that another big baby could be really hard on my body, it throws my thought process a curve-ball. She didn't say I couldn't carry, but said I would have to work hard to get all my muscles strong enough to endure.
When a decision you wanted to make yourself, might be made for you by your body, it can be hard to process. (This must be just a glimpse of what people dealing with infertility feel when they are told they can't carry at all). I wanted to come to the decision myself and since we know I have no patience, I sort of wanted to make the decision based on this doctor visit. While I knew I needed to get stronger, physically, I wasn't quite prepared for the reality. A whole range of emotions have flooded me the last few days--everything from relief to sadness. And maybe taking time to make a decision, depending on how things continue to go physically, will make me emotionally stronger as well.
Everyone at my house has been sick. We are officially at the two week mark with the coughing and sneezing. All of us have allergies to some degree, although everyone had been functioning very well with some otc medication. Somewhere we picked up an extra germ to add to the already goopy mess and Eleanor ended up with a sinus infection. So far me and the hubby have fared the best, as we are still coughing but never ran a fever. One of the hardest parts of being a mom is being sick yourself while trying to take care of the rest of the family. Being strong on so many levels is just part of the job.
There have been plenty of distractions lately so that has helped. Not only with everyone being sick, but a field trip thrown in Tuesday. We are also waiting for a very dear friend to have her baby (come on baby!!). Its nice to focus on other things for a while, so I haven't really thought much about the blog or what may happen with a possible second surrogacy. I can't be totally self absorbed all the time. :-)
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| Its twirly! |
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| The new skirt! |
As I had a ball today creating things for my family, I was reminded that if my body isn't strong enough to carry another child, at least I can do other things. I can be a great wife, mother, and friend...I can share awesome home-making tips that I stumble upon...great sewing tutorials...and maybe, give someone else the strength to do something they have always wanted to do. For if the people closest to you don't give you strength, who will?
***A great tip I learned for gathers/ruffles...set your tension to the highest setting, turn up your stitch length and sew: the machine does it for you!! You can make the gathers even more defined by holding onto the top thread slightly as you sew (which can be quite tricky if you want to keep sewing in a straight line). It was so much faster than making the basting stitch and doing it all by hand.***
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| The "old" skirt in action. |
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| And the little man! |
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Having the Right Tools
No matter what you do in life you need to have the right tools. I have recently found this to be essential as I have been attempting to make some simple stuffed animals for the kids. Recently vowing that I would use up some of my stashed craft supplies, I let the kids pick something out of my newest sewing book. Each child picked a toy they wanted me to make and I set to work. A few weeks ago, I put up a few pictures that included a pink dog I was making for Eleanor. Well, that little pup just got finished over the weekend (finally, I might add, after weeks of staring at me). I had a horrible time trying to do the hand sewing and the final seam looks awful. Thinking that maybe in all of the supplies I own, I didn't have the right tool for the job, I popped into Joann's yesterday and asked. Apparently, thick, large-eyed needles don't work well on a thin, cotton fabric. Huh. Imagine that...so I promptly bought some quilting needles and today, in a matter of about an hour, I made Alex his stuffed dinosaur! It will not sit on my sewing table for two weeks untouched, it will promptly be given to him when he gets home today. For not only is the body of the dinosaur complete, but he is sewn up, ready to be loved!!
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| Completed Critters!! |
This whole tool thing got me thinking and I realized that many times I have found myself frustrated working on something that should have been fun. How many times do you start to do something around the house or with your kids, then walk away from it all because it just doesn't seem to be working the way you had planned?? I know sometimes the problem is the plan, but more often I find that I don't have the right tool for the job. The tools are sometimes concrete items, like a sewing needle or a fabulous knife, but not always. Sometimes that tool can simply be patience or a kind word. When things don't go as planned, have you fully prepared your materials and your expectation?
I know I am guilty of thinking things will go a certain way, it doesn't, and then frustration seeps in--the same thing happened with Alex the other day when he was working on his homework. He had an idea of how he wanted his project to be done, and I had another idea. He got so frustrated with me, then I got mad at him and before we knew it an hour and a half had gone by when 15 minutes should have sufficed. We both needed to relax and have fun with the project, since he is only in first grade. The tool that I needed then was patience and it was nowhere in sight.
Motherhood provides us with many opportunities to grow as individuals, to teach our children and to impact the world around us. I am still learning which tools make life the easier and which ones only get in the way. What tools do you recommend? If I had to make a list of "hold in your hand" tools that rock, I would definitely have to say a few good knives, a great vegetable peeler, name-brand hair detangler and washable crayons/markers. The kitchen items are no-brainers, the faster you can prep your meal, the sooner everyone eats (and at my house, that is always a positive). The hair detangler is a must too, because Eleanor cannot stand to have her hair dried, especially if there is any pulling with the brush (and you know how it is, running off, being yelled at to come back, more crying, more yelling, etc). The washable crayons/markers are definitely a plus to have on hand for whenever things get stressful/out of control/boring...a stack of paper and something to doodle with, can always change the mood with my kids. They always walk away from some creative time feeling better, always. The right tools can keep everyones attitudes positive and make the rest of the day so much better.
As far as the intangibles, those are too numerous to list. Sometimes the best tools a mother can give, can't be seen, but felt...like that hug or a pat on the back. The words, "I love you" or "I'm proud of you," when someone needs it most. Taking just a moment and turning away from the computer when the real world needs us and the online world can wait. :-) I hope I always remember to use the right tool for whatever life throws my way.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Giving thanks and reaching out
http://dixonsmakeitwork.blogspot.com/p/just-relax.html
Visit this blog. The girl, Jen, that so openly shared her story on infertility, has some really amazing friends. They have gotten together to do a benefit for her and her family as they are still struggling with a baby in the NICU. I am pretty sure everyone that checks my blog probably checks hers, but in case you have found me without finding Jen, you have to read her story when you have time. She is funny and you will cry...her story (as well as stories of friends that came out over the last few years) really made me determined to be a surrogate. http://www.jennepper.com/
I need to note that I was also inspired to take life by the horns after reading the book, "The Happiness Project" (available here: http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Project-Morning-Aristotle-Generally/dp/0061583251). I am a happy person so reading this book may seem odd. I feel like life passes us too quickly and reading about Gretchen and the choices she made to take that happiness to a higher level was truly inspiring. I knew I had something big inside me, but I needed the motivation and courage to do it...this book did just that. I highly recommend everyone read it. I own a copy if anyone wants to borrow it.
Life is just too short and too fragile not to thank those people that make our lives what they are are and way too short to hold yourself back from doing something you think may just make a difference. Take today and make it matter...or make a plan to make more of every day that comes. Each day that passes molds us into the person we are today and without the ups and downs, the mistakes and successes, the good days and bad, we would be totally different people in a totally different place. I can say that while I may have regrets in life, and feel like I let too many days pass without special meaning, that I am who I am because of it all...and for that, I wouldn't change a thing.
Visit this blog. The girl, Jen, that so openly shared her story on infertility, has some really amazing friends. They have gotten together to do a benefit for her and her family as they are still struggling with a baby in the NICU. I am pretty sure everyone that checks my blog probably checks hers, but in case you have found me without finding Jen, you have to read her story when you have time. She is funny and you will cry...her story (as well as stories of friends that came out over the last few years) really made me determined to be a surrogate. http://www.jennepper.com/
I need to note that I was also inspired to take life by the horns after reading the book, "The Happiness Project" (available here: http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Project-Morning-Aristotle-Generally/dp/0061583251). I am a happy person so reading this book may seem odd. I feel like life passes us too quickly and reading about Gretchen and the choices she made to take that happiness to a higher level was truly inspiring. I knew I had something big inside me, but I needed the motivation and courage to do it...this book did just that. I highly recommend everyone read it. I own a copy if anyone wants to borrow it.
Life is just too short and too fragile not to thank those people that make our lives what they are are and way too short to hold yourself back from doing something you think may just make a difference. Take today and make it matter...or make a plan to make more of every day that comes. Each day that passes molds us into the person we are today and without the ups and downs, the mistakes and successes, the good days and bad, we would be totally different people in a totally different place. I can say that while I may have regrets in life, and feel like I let too many days pass without special meaning, that I am who I am because of it all...and for that, I wouldn't change a thing.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Coffee, Chocolate and Wine
So the very things that got me through my hormone surge of last week are also the things bringing me down again...only this time isn't a mental thing, but a physical one! I was doing so well with my weight loss...but I gotta love a gift basket and really, can't complain. So I get to work off those last 15 pounds (yes I gained a pound in the last ten days, oh well!) rather than watch them slide off easily like the first 26 pounds. I get to work out and make use of that gym membership we bought a few months back. I get to utilize four personal training sessions that we got as a sign-on bonus at the gym. But I think if I am going to lose that last 15 pounds, I am going to have to find a nice happy medium so that my dear coffee, chocolate and wine can remain a part of my weekly caloric intake...at least for a while.
I am normally pretty good about portion control and eating a balanced diet...but the treats seem to be sneaking out of everywhere (or maybe those jelly beans I hid from the kids just need to be shared with the kids--nah, I'll just eat the rest of them really fast so they never really existed). Everything has tasted so good even after the pregnancy has ended and I am trying to convince myself that I just need these calories for "recovering" from the birth. I do still get tired, but I should just go to sleep...not eat and drink and find that I am still tired and consumed way too many calories trying to stay up late to watch one more DVR'd show (which could be watched anytime!!). I should be glad Easter is over and my favorite candy indulgences are gone...my dear friend Meagan just did an Easter blog and now I really want Cadbury Creme eggs again (thank you for that Meagan!).
Mentally I am feeling so good. No more random outbursts or feeling "off"...guess a few days wasn't too bad but I really don't have time to let it get me down. There is a lot going on at school this week and it has been so fun to help. I love getting back into the building and seeing all the other parents and the teachers in the hallways. The kids are great too--lots of kindergarten friends from last year that still say "hi" when they see me. It just feels right to be there.
Physically things are also getting back to normal. It has been three and a half weeks since Baby A was born. I am pretty much into my old pants (at least the ones that were a bit big already) and looser tops. I have folded up my maternity clothes and actually got a little sad. It seems weird to already be over when at times it seemed like it was all taking forever. I guess that is how it always is..."after"can be strange when you spent so long leading up to a big event.
I am normally pretty good about portion control and eating a balanced diet...but the treats seem to be sneaking out of everywhere (or maybe those jelly beans I hid from the kids just need to be shared with the kids--nah, I'll just eat the rest of them really fast so they never really existed). Everything has tasted so good even after the pregnancy has ended and I am trying to convince myself that I just need these calories for "recovering" from the birth. I do still get tired, but I should just go to sleep...not eat and drink and find that I am still tired and consumed way too many calories trying to stay up late to watch one more DVR'd show (which could be watched anytime!!). I should be glad Easter is over and my favorite candy indulgences are gone...my dear friend Meagan just did an Easter blog and now I really want Cadbury Creme eggs again (thank you for that Meagan!).
Mentally I am feeling so good. No more random outbursts or feeling "off"...guess a few days wasn't too bad but I really don't have time to let it get me down. There is a lot going on at school this week and it has been so fun to help. I love getting back into the building and seeing all the other parents and the teachers in the hallways. The kids are great too--lots of kindergarten friends from last year that still say "hi" when they see me. It just feels right to be there.
Physically things are also getting back to normal. It has been three and a half weeks since Baby A was born. I am pretty much into my old pants (at least the ones that were a bit big already) and looser tops. I have folded up my maternity clothes and actually got a little sad. It seems weird to already be over when at times it seemed like it was all taking forever. I guess that is how it always is..."after"can be strange when you spent so long leading up to a big event.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day
Its amazing when a day suddenly has a new meaning...I grew up making Mothers Day cards and gifts for my mom and grandmothers, but over the years this day has truly evolved. I finally get it, get what it means to be a mom. I have been celebrated myself now for 7 years...my first Mothers Day when Alex was only a few weeks old. All those years ago, I had no idea what I was in for...I was "green" as they say...just happy to have my baby in my arms, no need to really celebrate.
This year, I feel like I "get" it...I know why we celebrate our Mothers and why we take a moment to think of their importance in our lives. Mothers do so much for their children in ways beyond the feeding, clothing, loving that we see day to day. A mom is there for support, even when they don't agree, they let you try life your way and see what happens because they know it will make stronger in the end. If you fail and you come running back, you have a learned just as valuable a lesson as when you succeed. Those risks make us stronger and make us look outside the box. Mothering isn't just teaching your children to do the right thing, it is showing them that can use any situation to learn and grow.
As a mother, you learn to follow your heart. You know when your children are sick or having a bad day just by looking at them. You know when to be stern and you know when to open your arms. Your heart speaks so loudly as a mother, that some days, its hard to do anything but watch your children, in awe that they are yours. I see my kids growing way too fast, becoming independent people with their own dreams and goals. I hope that as their mother, I have nurtured them in such a way that they feel they can take on the world and survive no matter which way life goes for them. My children will always be a success if they can follow their hearts and trust in their minds.
As a mother, I was led to become a surrogate and will most likely pursue it again. I wanted to teach my children that we help other people when we can. We give of ourselves because this life isn't just about us...I would never have thought my gift would be to grow babies, but maybe more than growing a baby I was able to create a family. And that is what I celebrate today, as I not only have my family, but another that will be forever changed because of the choice I made to give of myself.
I am so proud of myself and all the people that have come forward to support me always--not only in surrogacy but in motherhood. I celebrate us all today, as together, we have made a difference in so many lives. Happy Mothers Day!
This year, I feel like I "get" it...I know why we celebrate our Mothers and why we take a moment to think of their importance in our lives. Mothers do so much for their children in ways beyond the feeding, clothing, loving that we see day to day. A mom is there for support, even when they don't agree, they let you try life your way and see what happens because they know it will make stronger in the end. If you fail and you come running back, you have a learned just as valuable a lesson as when you succeed. Those risks make us stronger and make us look outside the box. Mothering isn't just teaching your children to do the right thing, it is showing them that can use any situation to learn and grow.
As a mother, you learn to follow your heart. You know when your children are sick or having a bad day just by looking at them. You know when to be stern and you know when to open your arms. Your heart speaks so loudly as a mother, that some days, its hard to do anything but watch your children, in awe that they are yours. I see my kids growing way too fast, becoming independent people with their own dreams and goals. I hope that as their mother, I have nurtured them in such a way that they feel they can take on the world and survive no matter which way life goes for them. My children will always be a success if they can follow their hearts and trust in their minds.
As a mother, I was led to become a surrogate and will most likely pursue it again. I wanted to teach my children that we help other people when we can. We give of ourselves because this life isn't just about us...I would never have thought my gift would be to grow babies, but maybe more than growing a baby I was able to create a family. And that is what I celebrate today, as I not only have my family, but another that will be forever changed because of the choice I made to give of myself.
I am so proud of myself and all the people that have come forward to support me always--not only in surrogacy but in motherhood. I celebrate us all today, as together, we have made a difference in so many lives. Happy Mothers Day!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Hello Hormones!!
So the thing with being a surrogate and recovering fairly well, is that you forget that you actually gave birth...GAVE BIRTH...just a few weeks ago. Your mind is clear and bright from resting and not dealing with a new baby, so you sort of forget that your body really has gone through something huge. So much so that you are completely caught off guard by the surge of emotions that have no name. I had been on the look-out for rouge hormones those first two weeks, but coasting into week 3, I thought I was in the clear.
Yesterday I was completely going about my business when, WHAM, I wanted to cry. Eleanor had a tough day and cried a few times herself, very out of ordinary for my vibrant girl. Maybe that set the tone...were we both hormonal?? I had gotten everything done that I wanted to and truly had a great day. When this craziness emerged, I went to lay down and figure out what was wrong, but nothing was wrong...I wasn't sad or mad or anything really. The feeling was in the back of my throat like I wanted to scream or cry or throw up...maybe all three. After a little while, I returned to normal and the feeling (of not feeling anything) went away.
Tonight I had a recurrence. One of those things were you are set off by something that shouldn't really bother you...again after a day that was a bit more trying than it should have been. My mind was already somewhat crazy after spending hours looking for a key to the box that holds Eleanor's birth certificate (mind you, I am sort of emotional trying to get everything ready to register her for kindergarten before the magnet school deadline while trying to not actually think about my baby going to kindergarten--as that will make any mom emotional). Then after dinner, Eleanor was coughing so hard she threw up twice in the bathroom sink...so gross...I tried to turn her around to puke in the toilet but she wasn't budging. Finally a simple request by my husband to continue hanging out with one of his oldest friends, pushed me over the edge. I was in tears at the thought of him not coming home when I had anticipated. He NEVER gets guy time even though I always push him to and this one time that he asks to stay out later, I completely freak out. It was the strangest thing. I didn't really have a reason for him, but got all scary hormone crazy on him. Luckily I came to my sense fairly quickly and called him back telling him to enjoy the evening...I mean, really, I could totally see myself calling him asking the exact same thing.
My body is still recovering and still trying to work through everything that has happened, while my mind is exactly where it needs to be. Mentally I feel so good...almost giddy really. The enormity of what I have done for another family is just amazing, plus I am back in my jeans (a cool spurt actually boosted my moral yesterday morning, when the jeans fit better than my spring capris and shorts) and everyone is telling me how great I look...I mean, who wouldn't be feeling on top of the world??!! I have rocked this surrogacy and my body apparently has to remind me that it isn't quite where the rest of me is...oh well...hopefully this doesn't last too long and I don't turn the crazy on anyone else.
So now, the house is quiet and I am good. The wine has been poured and the chocolates are ready to compliment it. :-) Seems like an evening to myself might be just what I need and hopefully this crazy hormone thing will settle down soon. For the interim, I have lots of wine and chocolate.
Yesterday I was completely going about my business when, WHAM, I wanted to cry. Eleanor had a tough day and cried a few times herself, very out of ordinary for my vibrant girl. Maybe that set the tone...were we both hormonal?? I had gotten everything done that I wanted to and truly had a great day. When this craziness emerged, I went to lay down and figure out what was wrong, but nothing was wrong...I wasn't sad or mad or anything really. The feeling was in the back of my throat like I wanted to scream or cry or throw up...maybe all three. After a little while, I returned to normal and the feeling (of not feeling anything) went away.
Tonight I had a recurrence. One of those things were you are set off by something that shouldn't really bother you...again after a day that was a bit more trying than it should have been. My mind was already somewhat crazy after spending hours looking for a key to the box that holds Eleanor's birth certificate (mind you, I am sort of emotional trying to get everything ready to register her for kindergarten before the magnet school deadline while trying to not actually think about my baby going to kindergarten--as that will make any mom emotional). Then after dinner, Eleanor was coughing so hard she threw up twice in the bathroom sink...so gross...I tried to turn her around to puke in the toilet but she wasn't budging. Finally a simple request by my husband to continue hanging out with one of his oldest friends, pushed me over the edge. I was in tears at the thought of him not coming home when I had anticipated. He NEVER gets guy time even though I always push him to and this one time that he asks to stay out later, I completely freak out. It was the strangest thing. I didn't really have a reason for him, but got all scary hormone crazy on him. Luckily I came to my sense fairly quickly and called him back telling him to enjoy the evening...I mean, really, I could totally see myself calling him asking the exact same thing.
My body is still recovering and still trying to work through everything that has happened, while my mind is exactly where it needs to be. Mentally I feel so good...almost giddy really. The enormity of what I have done for another family is just amazing, plus I am back in my jeans (a cool spurt actually boosted my moral yesterday morning, when the jeans fit better than my spring capris and shorts) and everyone is telling me how great I look...I mean, who wouldn't be feeling on top of the world??!! I have rocked this surrogacy and my body apparently has to remind me that it isn't quite where the rest of me is...oh well...hopefully this doesn't last too long and I don't turn the crazy on anyone else.
So now, the house is quiet and I am good. The wine has been poured and the chocolates are ready to compliment it. :-) Seems like an evening to myself might be just what I need and hopefully this crazy hormone thing will settle down soon. For the interim, I have lots of wine and chocolate.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Checking In...
So it has another week and life has continued to get back to normal. I am feeling really well and it doesn't hurt to be back in my regular clothes. I feel very fortunate that my body has forgiven me for carrying around so much weight for so long. It seems to be one more sign that my body was made for growing babies.
Speaking of Eleanor, I haven't really had any good pictures of her lately so I decided to pull out my old camera. Apparently, the camera I got for Christmas 2009 has a strange flash setting (which I have tried to change and there are no other options for) and every picture I take of Miss Eleanor has her eyes closed. The old camera doesn't have this problem, so now I have pictures of my baby with her eyes opened!! Yay!!
Yesterday I had the privilege of being invited out to J&M's house to see the baby and the nursery. Baby A is back to her birth weight plus 2 oz (9lbs15oz for anyone keeping track!), which is right on track for just over two weeks old. She has gotten even more beautiful in the last two weeks and J seems to be very in love with her new little girl.
Even better than seeing the baby was seeing J. That probably sounds so strange to anyone...I mean, moms are great but babies are amazing! But the crazy thing is, I bonded with J during the course of the pregnancy and even before. She was the one that I got to know on a very personal level. I looked her in the eyes at 13 weeks when we thought we lost the baby...I also got to see the elation when that baby girl was safely delivered to her arms. The best and worst of someone and I was there for those moments. This woman will always be considered a very close, personal friend. I am so thankful that she has continued to keep me updated on their lives and feels as close to me as I do to her.
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| My new sewing cabinet all ready to go! |
I have tried to start focusing on more than just the surrogacy though and while I am definitely feeling like I want to go down that path again, I need to focus on a few other things for a bit...like all my sewing!!
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| Eleanor's pup, not quite finished |
Recently I bought "One Yard-Wonders" (available here for purchase: http://www.amazon.com/One-Yard-Wonders-Sewing-Fabric-Projects/dp/1603424490/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1304522035&sr=8-1) and decided to let Eleanor pick a project. She went for a very cute little dog stuff animal. I have never made anything stuffed in my life, outside of the square pillow category, but I am always up for a challenge. The dog has a few little areas where it didn't quite turn out right, but I know as soon as the hand stitching is done (which I can't stand doing because I am horrible at it) she will have a new little pup to love.
Speaking of Eleanor, I haven't really had any good pictures of her lately so I decided to pull out my old camera. Apparently, the camera I got for Christmas 2009 has a strange flash setting (which I have tried to change and there are no other options for) and every picture I take of Miss Eleanor has her eyes closed. The old camera doesn't have this problem, so now I have pictures of my baby with her eyes opened!! Yay!! 
Since I am adding photos to this post, I will also add pics of the other babies in the house...Niko (orange tabby) and Sasha (white with black points). They are both coming up on their 2nd birthdays and they really round out the crew. Niko likes to nose at the blinds and meow so you open them up. He goes all around the house doing this and it really is cute.
Life feels so very complete right now. Amazing to look around and feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be...
Monday, April 25, 2011
One week later…moving forward
Its been a week since coming home from the hospital. A week back in reality with the surrogacy behind me and my own life moving forward. It is a very strange situation to be in…glad to have my own children around me, to play and feel free again, but different too. I have seen another side of things, I have been in the midst of an experience that so many people go through first hand but I got to go through from the sidelines. I feel thankful that I got to spend the last week resting and enjoying the spring break with everyone home. The idea of recovering at home with small children and a newborn just seems completely daunting and overwhelming and I am glad that was not the situation. I do not feel any sense of loss at all. I do not feel like I gave away any part of me or that I did anything wrong. I feel free and sometimes that can be huge too. I can do anything I want today because I don’t have to worry about J&M’s baby girl. I have a huge weight off my shoulders and that is what I am struggling with…I do well feeling weighted and grounded, having a purpose.
My purpose now just shifts, I guess. The people that need me most are the ones in my house, in front of me. The people that need me most are my friends and family that have stood by through the last year and offered so much love and support. I need to repay that kindness somehow and hopefully I can figure out a way to let everyone know how much it meant to have each of them in my life. Through my blog, maybe everyone will get an idea of how I could not have done this on my own and should I ever go down this path again, that I will need them just as much. I realized how many wonderful people I do have in my life and how lucky I am.
Physically I am doing well. I can still over do it and notice soreness and heaviness in parts that should just be unnoticed. I think my insides are trying to stretch back out to their normal locations after being mashed up for so long. It took about four days for all my swelling to go down and be able to wear all my shoes and rings. It also took about four days for my milk to come in, so that has been a journey in itself. Apparently years ago there was a drug they could give you but after learning of many ill-effects from it, they no longer offer it. I am still working through the milk thing, but luckily the pain of it all is subsiding now. I have 16 pounds out of 41 left to lose. I feel almost normal. I was wearing my “big” capri’s yesterday and I count that as a win! My belly has a long way to go before summer, but I feel like it is possible to get back to my old body to go with my old life—except that “old” is a word that doesn’t describe where I feel like both my body and my life are headed. I guess my new body will go with my new life as I take charge of what is around me and move it forward so that it doesn’t just pass me by.
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