Some days...

are harder than others. You look around and see so many people with newborns or getting ready for a new baby and you have to stop and think...should I have another? Should I focus on helping those that can't when I have such an amazing family? Or should I add to this awesome group with one more amazing soul? It has been 12 weeks and 1 day since I gave birth.  That whole concept seems strange to me.  I read blogs about a baby that might come home this week, after months in the NICU. I have a friend recovering from a hysterectomy that is done with her family, yet still battled with this whole idea up until her day of surgery. I sit here with an empty belly wondering..."what is next?"  And I just don't know. I don't know what this life holds for me next.  My kids are so big...my baby starts kindergarten in a few weeks.  My family is done and complete, but my heart still aches. Is it to help someone else or just to take a few moments to grieve that my children are growing up? 

Emotions are still raw at this point.  I feel "normal" but not sure some days exactly what that means.  I feel strong and secure in my desire to help someone else have that family that they have longed for.  I feel badly that it all came to me so easily when so many people work so hard for a it. Really, why is it so hard? Why do some people struggle. Life is not fair when you want a baby and it doesn't happen.  Am I selfish to sometimes struggle with wanting a third child when my two healthy children are the light of my life? Should I put this energy into making my body strong so I can help someone else have what I treasure the most? Why are some days so hard?  Why are some days filled with uncertainty when other days everything seems so clear?

I guess for now, I will spend time with all the babies in my life and treasure my "big kids" and the independence they have. I know for certain that surrogacy has allowed me a very unique opportunity to appreciate my family and all that I have and for right now, in this moment, that is all I need to feel right with the world.