We had another ultrasound this past Wednesday. February 29th. Not a normal day, I guess, and should I have been surprised that I have another big ol' bleed staring at me on the screen?? Last pregnancy we had a little area of concern, blamed it on the fact that we had three embryos and ended with one baby. This go round we had two embryos put in and we got pregnant with twins. So my super uterus doesn't seem to understand the happy balance of just enough blood flow...I guess to grow big healthy babies, my blood supply to my uterus goes in total overdrive. And typically this is a very good thing. A lot of women I have read about have trouble carrying to term because of poor blood flow to their uterus (at least when all the other crazy things have been ruled out)...but me, I get to carry babies for nine months with potential to bleed the entire time. Now I always look forward to pregnancy as a time NOT to bleed. Oh well. At least I am use to it.
Unfortunately, the IM (intended mother) is not. And we aren't officially turned over to my doctor yet and all doctors involved seemed to be unavailable Thursday and then out of the office on Friday. I feel comfortable with the pregnancy and with the bleed because I have been down this road with a wonderful birth waiting at the end. But she is very nervous as she has a history of blood equaling loss. With no one around to answer her questions, her anxiety and worry are only growing.
We are lucky to have an ideal situation--if extra blood can be considered ideal--because the blood is far away from the beautifully growing babies and doesn't seem to be impacting them at all. And both babies are the exact same size, with heart-rates that are even similar. The blood is near my cervix though, which means I am in for it at some point. The doc even asked if I carry around pads because I am probably going to need one when that moment comes. Great. So I get to be minding my own business somewhere one day when the bottom is going to drop out. And to make it even crazier...my doc is actually rooting for that to happen as once the blood is out, it is out and can't cause trouble.
I vividly remember the bottom dropping out during my last pregnancy and thinking that all was lost. I feel more relaxed knowing what I went through last time and have even more confidence in my body. I just wish that a doctor was around to reassure the IPs that all will be well and in 30 weeks or so, two perfect little babies will be delivered right into their arms. Its going to be a long weekend, but it might also make for an even longer feeling pregnancy.
On a side note, I told both kids that we are growing twins for another family. They both thought it was simply awesome. Eleanor quickly added that now she needed to make two diaper cakes...
Showing posts with label surrogacy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label surrogacy. Show all posts
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Understanding
So I haven't actually told the kids that we are pregnant. We have mentioned it to them that mommy wants to help another family and wants to be pregnant again, but not actually gone so far as to share the news.
The other day I got some great pictures of Baby A from her parents. I pulled them up on the computer to show Alex and asked if he knew who that baby was or who those happy looking people were with her. When he realized who she was, I told him that we all worked really hard to grow that baby for her parents and now they are so happy every single day because they have her.
I told him I wanted to help another mommy that couldn't grow her own baby...his first response was "not again!"...but I hugged him close and told him that it means a lot to me to help someone. He asked how a tummy can be broken and why I can grow babies when others can't. To use a really bad example, I reminded him of when he needed his adenoids out. They weren't helping him and actually causing trouble for him--I was trying to explain how sometimes our bodies just don't work like they are supposed to and what works on one person might not work on someone else. I didn't want to get into anything too scary and I wanted to keep my explanations completely understandable. It seemed to make sense to him fairly quickly and we spent a few minutes talking about various other things that don't always work--your eyes, tonsils, gallbladder...he'll probably laugh at me down the road when he realized how horrible my comparision of a broken uterus was to a broken gallbladder.
He still seemed a little hesitant so we looked back at all the photos, then I just looked him in the eye and said that it would break my heart not to have him. I would want him even if my belly was broken. He looked like he was going to cry when I said that. So I told him that maybe we would try to grow two babies this time and he thought that sounded cool. I love how a little bit of spin can totally change the situation for an almost 8 year old.
Surrogacy is a huge family event. Everyone feels the effects of a pregnant mommy, even when you aren't preparing to bring a baby home. The nausea, exhaustion, cravings, aversions...the kids notice even when you don't think they do. They can tell something is up. I try to make it all a very positive experience, like enjoying McD's more often or giving in to little requests...I also try to remind my family and friends why I do this...it isn't about any type of recognition or compensation...its because my world revolves around my family and I would do whatever I needed to in order to have my family.
If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would want someone willing to grow my child when I could not. I can only hope I would be as wonderful as the two couples I have worked with...trusting me to do what is right for their child during this critical nine month period. I have a huge responsibility but I couldn't do it alone. Just like raising children takes a village, it seems that just growing one does too.
The other day I got some great pictures of Baby A from her parents. I pulled them up on the computer to show Alex and asked if he knew who that baby was or who those happy looking people were with her. When he realized who she was, I told him that we all worked really hard to grow that baby for her parents and now they are so happy every single day because they have her.
I told him I wanted to help another mommy that couldn't grow her own baby...his first response was "not again!"...but I hugged him close and told him that it means a lot to me to help someone. He asked how a tummy can be broken and why I can grow babies when others can't. To use a really bad example, I reminded him of when he needed his adenoids out. They weren't helping him and actually causing trouble for him--I was trying to explain how sometimes our bodies just don't work like they are supposed to and what works on one person might not work on someone else. I didn't want to get into anything too scary and I wanted to keep my explanations completely understandable. It seemed to make sense to him fairly quickly and we spent a few minutes talking about various other things that don't always work--your eyes, tonsils, gallbladder...he'll probably laugh at me down the road when he realized how horrible my comparision of a broken uterus was to a broken gallbladder.
He still seemed a little hesitant so we looked back at all the photos, then I just looked him in the eye and said that it would break my heart not to have him. I would want him even if my belly was broken. He looked like he was going to cry when I said that. So I told him that maybe we would try to grow two babies this time and he thought that sounded cool. I love how a little bit of spin can totally change the situation for an almost 8 year old.
Surrogacy is a huge family event. Everyone feels the effects of a pregnant mommy, even when you aren't preparing to bring a baby home. The nausea, exhaustion, cravings, aversions...the kids notice even when you don't think they do. They can tell something is up. I try to make it all a very positive experience, like enjoying McD's more often or giving in to little requests...I also try to remind my family and friends why I do this...it isn't about any type of recognition or compensation...its because my world revolves around my family and I would do whatever I needed to in order to have my family.
If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would want someone willing to grow my child when I could not. I can only hope I would be as wonderful as the two couples I have worked with...trusting me to do what is right for their child during this critical nine month period. I have a huge responsibility but I couldn't do it alone. Just like raising children takes a village, it seems that just growing one does too.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Its officially, official!
So at last update, I was describing all the behind the scenes of surrogacy. Since then, life has been busy with Christmas and a surprise Disney trip for the kids as well as getting back to a routine after the holiday crazies.
Things on the surrogacy front went as planned and on January 20, 2012 we transferred two perfect 5 day old embryos. January 25th, I got my first positive home test. January 30th was our official beta (blood pregnancy test). We had a great first number. We are officially pregnant. We had follow up blood tests two days later and then a week after that. All numbers were strong and doubling within 38 hours. I was told I could resume all regular activities as I had been sort of on "light duty" since the IVF. It is now more than official, my super uterus has had another positive on the first go. What are the chances of getting pregnant the first time you try, four times in a row? I guess that is one of the reasons I am a great candidate to be a surrogate.
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| You really have to try to see the traditional tests, but the digi doesn't lie! |
I am still on oral estrogen three times a day and actually increased progesterone to three times daily as well (luckily only one of those is the injection). The meds will continue until March 4th when I am officially 9 weeks pregnant. That day always comes with excitement and worry--so glad to be done with things but concern that my body isn't ready to do it all alone.
I have been surprised at how well I am feeling and while I know each pregnancy is different, I still anticipate certain symptoms. Overall I feel good. I have enough energy on my work days and haven't needed to nap. The nausea is mild and if I can eat something (preferably salty) when that feeling hits, it pretty much goes away. No bloating, no tenderness...just a body that seems completely normal but is actually gestating as I type.
The parents are excited. This is a totally new feeling for them and I can't even imagine having hope after all they have gone through, but they do. I think they want to be over the moon and relaxed, but until delivery day, everything is still just detached enough that it doesn't seem real. Hopefully when we get further than they ever have, they will be able to relax. All I know is that I am praying for a very normal, healthy pregnancy that goes as long as it can.
And we found out today that there are TWO babies. My last pregnancy, my last surrogacy, will be completely new and different. I am excited and nervous and scared...but willing to do whatever it takes to keep these babies cooking as long as possible. Hoping that my experience growing big babies has been practice for this final show. I have always wanted to carry twins and now I get a chance. An amazing couple will get to complete their family all at once and I can know that I have given someone exactly what I already have--two amazing children to love.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
We're moving right along!
One part that sort of goes unnoticed when being a surrogate is all the "behind the scenes" work between doctors offices, attorneys, intended parents and the actual surrogate. That part isn't really that fun to write about but it does provide a little back drop to anyone really wanting to know how this whole surrogacy thing works.
When I first met my IPs in person, their Reproductive Endocrinologist gave my uterus a quick look and did a basic review of my medical history. This past Monday (Dec. 5th), I had to set up an appointment with my own doctor for blood work (no one goes into this process without being tested for a million and one things--regulations on IVF and anything that involves taking something from someone and putting it elsewhere, medically speaking, is strictly monitored). I also had to have a sonohystogram--the doctor uses saline to fill up my uterus and views it all via ultrasound. Completely painless and it gives a great picture of the true state of my uterus...checking for any endometriosis, polyps, blockages...anything that could cause any trouble during the IVF procedure.
The doctor I saw at my OBGYN and he is the same doctor that my last IPs originally starting working with 8 years ago. He handled all the monitoring of my first surrogacy and it is wonderful to have such a familiar and encouraging face to interact with once again. Although, I must say, familiarity and comfort is one thing but to be told by a medical professional that you have one of the best uteri (is that the plural of uterus??) in town is somewhere between awesome and kind of creepy. I guess for a surrogate, that type of phrasing is like getting all "A's" on your report card--but I really didn't have anything to do with the state of my uterus, I was just born this way.
Monday I also mailed our final contract to the IPs attorney. Having that 30 page book out of my hands is a good feeling. So much is discussed during the contract and so many different scenarios have to be discussed. Plus all the financial talks happen during the contract stage and that is typically the hardest part for my independent matches. Luckily I had put together a nice financial calendar so everything was discussed via email and settled on before the atttorneys even got involved.
I do feel good knowing that having this awesome uterus, it is getting put to good use. I never would have thought that "gestating" would be something I was given by God, but surprises abound. I am still excited to continue to have a great relationship with my last IPs and they are cheering on this next couple too. Surrogacy will always be a part of who I am, no matter where I am on this path of life. Being able to share something as amazing as motherhood, is something I will always value. I truly feel blessed to be able to do this for someone else. My life was enriched by my last IPs and just knowing them...I feel like this is already happening with this next couple as well. We come into people's lives are different times for different purposes and reasons...in as much as I have changed the lives of two people, they have also changed mine.
And we also have a date for our IVF transfer--January 20th. Whatever happens, 2012 is going to be just as rewarding as 2011.
When I first met my IPs in person, their Reproductive Endocrinologist gave my uterus a quick look and did a basic review of my medical history. This past Monday (Dec. 5th), I had to set up an appointment with my own doctor for blood work (no one goes into this process without being tested for a million and one things--regulations on IVF and anything that involves taking something from someone and putting it elsewhere, medically speaking, is strictly monitored). I also had to have a sonohystogram--the doctor uses saline to fill up my uterus and views it all via ultrasound. Completely painless and it gives a great picture of the true state of my uterus...checking for any endometriosis, polyps, blockages...anything that could cause any trouble during the IVF procedure.
The doctor I saw at my OBGYN and he is the same doctor that my last IPs originally starting working with 8 years ago. He handled all the monitoring of my first surrogacy and it is wonderful to have such a familiar and encouraging face to interact with once again. Although, I must say, familiarity and comfort is one thing but to be told by a medical professional that you have one of the best uteri (is that the plural of uterus??) in town is somewhere between awesome and kind of creepy. I guess for a surrogate, that type of phrasing is like getting all "A's" on your report card--but I really didn't have anything to do with the state of my uterus, I was just born this way.
Monday I also mailed our final contract to the IPs attorney. Having that 30 page book out of my hands is a good feeling. So much is discussed during the contract and so many different scenarios have to be discussed. Plus all the financial talks happen during the contract stage and that is typically the hardest part for my independent matches. Luckily I had put together a nice financial calendar so everything was discussed via email and settled on before the atttorneys even got involved.
I do feel good knowing that having this awesome uterus, it is getting put to good use. I never would have thought that "gestating" would be something I was given by God, but surprises abound. I am still excited to continue to have a great relationship with my last IPs and they are cheering on this next couple too. Surrogacy will always be a part of who I am, no matter where I am on this path of life. Being able to share something as amazing as motherhood, is something I will always value. I truly feel blessed to be able to do this for someone else. My life was enriched by my last IPs and just knowing them...I feel like this is already happening with this next couple as well. We come into people's lives are different times for different purposes and reasons...in as much as I have changed the lives of two people, they have also changed mine.
And we also have a date for our IVF transfer--January 20th. Whatever happens, 2012 is going to be just as rewarding as 2011.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Meeting the Parents
Its a funny thing when you talk about meeting someones parents...its really sort of crazy when that someone hasn't been born yet, but you are meeting the people that want them here so badly. I met a great couple yesterday. A couple that technically are parents, to four embryos carefully frozen at their RE's office. Four beautiful embryos (they would only transfer 2 at at time) that are ready to be given a chance to grow in the right environment...my environment. I got the thumbs up with the "A+ Uterus" seal of approval from the doc, so we spent most of the evening talking and getting to know each other in person. There have been lots of emails over the last few weeks, a few texts and a single voicemail. It is amazing how you can hear kindness instantly in some people. And it is wonderful when your gut is right and you meet two people and instantly have to hug them.
The thing about meeting two people in this particular situation is that the actual meeting is something like a job interview and something like a first date. You want them to like you and you want to like them, but you also want to make sure that everyone is comfortable enough to be honest. This whole process requires people to really get down to the nitty-gritty and think of things they would rather not. Some pretty dire situations have to be discussed and everything spelled out because it all has to be put into a contract. You have to agree to worst case situations before there are any situations--because later on hormones are involved and no telling how rational anyone will be then.
The other part is that they have been through so much. I am excited to help and eager to see the whole process unfold...but they have been repeatedly broken hearted and have to be cautious. I have seen that look before and know it well, and fortunately I was able to watch as the caution slowly melted away into excitement. God has a plan for us all and I think being an experienced surrogate is exactly what this couple needs. They need a little hope and I hope I can give that to them.
I had been worried that after knowing J&M and working with them so closely since they were local, that it would be hard to connect with anyone else. I know this experience will be very different, yet I think it will also be just as wonderful. I met two people yesterday that need to be parents. You could see in their faces and hear it in their voices when they spoke of how far they had gone just to get to this point. They need to have a child of their very own and this is the path they must take to make it a reality.
Oh and on a positive note already, the doc has a different protocol that uses less injections (no lupron this time) and estrogen by mouth instead of a million patches all at once. We will even be going into this process with higher odds than the last go round--and we got pregnant the first try!
The thing about meeting two people in this particular situation is that the actual meeting is something like a job interview and something like a first date. You want them to like you and you want to like them, but you also want to make sure that everyone is comfortable enough to be honest. This whole process requires people to really get down to the nitty-gritty and think of things they would rather not. Some pretty dire situations have to be discussed and everything spelled out because it all has to be put into a contract. You have to agree to worst case situations before there are any situations--because later on hormones are involved and no telling how rational anyone will be then.
The other part is that they have been through so much. I am excited to help and eager to see the whole process unfold...but they have been repeatedly broken hearted and have to be cautious. I have seen that look before and know it well, and fortunately I was able to watch as the caution slowly melted away into excitement. God has a plan for us all and I think being an experienced surrogate is exactly what this couple needs. They need a little hope and I hope I can give that to them.
I had been worried that after knowing J&M and working with them so closely since they were local, that it would be hard to connect with anyone else. I know this experience will be very different, yet I think it will also be just as wonderful. I met two people yesterday that need to be parents. You could see in their faces and hear it in their voices when they spoke of how far they had gone just to get to this point. They need to have a child of their very own and this is the path they must take to make it a reality.
Oh and on a positive note already, the doc has a different protocol that uses less injections (no lupron this time) and estrogen by mouth instead of a million patches all at once. We will even be going into this process with higher odds than the last go round--and we got pregnant the first try!
Friday, November 4, 2011
Here we go again...
So this blog is my launch pad, where I gather my thoughts and share with those close to me what I have in the works. Sometimes I post on facebook and sometimes people get get phone calls...but sometimes, you just want to shout something from the rooftops and a blog is the modern version of doing just that.
Here I can't contain myself any longer. I have prayed and prayed about what to do next with my life. I thought getting a job would fulfill my extra time so I couldn't dwell on my own children growing up and being in school full time. I thought that being busy would mean I wouldn't feel the pull to go down a certain path once more. I really thought that I would use my sewing and crafting to fulfill any extra spaces. I wasn't sure for a while if I ever wanted to be pregnant again, but I guess I don't like odd numbers or I just want the chance to do something extraordinary once more...but I am pursuing another surrogacy. This probably isn't the best means of sharing...but some things just need to be shared all at once with everything put out there.
In my last post, I mentioned seeing my FIM with her baby. Seeing the happiness in her face that she was able to show off her baby to the world, solidified a feeling that had been growing in my heart. I was pretty sure in those moments after childbirth that I would have to do this again, but in that instant I knew without a doubt. I would need to help one more family be created. I know it is a lot to ask of my family and friends. I could not have gotten through the rough spots in the last pregnancy without the help of many special people. I feel greedy in asking for their support again. Yet something about four pregnancies just feels complete. I don't feel like I will need to do this again.
Knowing I want to be a surrogate again and knowing what my own family has in the works for the next few years--adding sports and travel to our lives, this time just feels like the right time to pursue it. We have our own plans for the future where being pregnant would not fit. My heart is calling out for something and I just can't ignore it. I have talked with a few different couples over the last few months, but the couple I am continuing with gave me the same type of feeling I got when I first talked with J&M.
The new IPs (Intended Parents), C&J, have said that I can continue to blog about our journey and I look forward to sharing this experience from the very beginning. This blog should serve as a nice reminder for myself and anyone close to me, why I am going down this path. I feel blessed that I can do something, give hope, where there has been heartache. And while each journey is different and the end result is unknown, I feel like having the opportunity to try is worth it. I hope that next year at this time I can be blogging about a birth, but I may still be somewhere in the midst of a pregnancy or even contemplating why it didn't go as planned...whatever stage I am in is for the love of family. If I can teach my children to be compassionate and to reach out when they can, I will be able to look back on my life knowing I did something right as a mother.
Here I can't contain myself any longer. I have prayed and prayed about what to do next with my life. I thought getting a job would fulfill my extra time so I couldn't dwell on my own children growing up and being in school full time. I thought that being busy would mean I wouldn't feel the pull to go down a certain path once more. I really thought that I would use my sewing and crafting to fulfill any extra spaces. I wasn't sure for a while if I ever wanted to be pregnant again, but I guess I don't like odd numbers or I just want the chance to do something extraordinary once more...but I am pursuing another surrogacy. This probably isn't the best means of sharing...but some things just need to be shared all at once with everything put out there.
In my last post, I mentioned seeing my FIM with her baby. Seeing the happiness in her face that she was able to show off her baby to the world, solidified a feeling that had been growing in my heart. I was pretty sure in those moments after childbirth that I would have to do this again, but in that instant I knew without a doubt. I would need to help one more family be created. I know it is a lot to ask of my family and friends. I could not have gotten through the rough spots in the last pregnancy without the help of many special people. I feel greedy in asking for their support again. Yet something about four pregnancies just feels complete. I don't feel like I will need to do this again.
Knowing I want to be a surrogate again and knowing what my own family has in the works for the next few years--adding sports and travel to our lives, this time just feels like the right time to pursue it. We have our own plans for the future where being pregnant would not fit. My heart is calling out for something and I just can't ignore it. I have talked with a few different couples over the last few months, but the couple I am continuing with gave me the same type of feeling I got when I first talked with J&M.
The new IPs (Intended Parents), C&J, have said that I can continue to blog about our journey and I look forward to sharing this experience from the very beginning. This blog should serve as a nice reminder for myself and anyone close to me, why I am going down this path. I feel blessed that I can do something, give hope, where there has been heartache. And while each journey is different and the end result is unknown, I feel like having the opportunity to try is worth it. I hope that next year at this time I can be blogging about a birth, but I may still be somewhere in the midst of a pregnancy or even contemplating why it didn't go as planned...whatever stage I am in is for the love of family. If I can teach my children to be compassionate and to reach out when they can, I will be able to look back on my life knowing I did something right as a mother.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
And six months later...
Happy Half-Birthday Baby A!!!
Wow is all I can say. Time has been flying since I gave birth in April. I keep forgetting just how many months have passed. I guess when you put your life on hold, and then pick back up...you have a lot to make up for! Between throwing myself back into my own family and starting a part time job, I have stayed busy. I must say I am doing really well. The first question when I was pregnant was always...how can you give away the baby? And feeling confident, I would always reply that it isn't my baby and seeing her with her parents should be the easy part...well, I was right. It was really easy. I have never had a moment of regret/concern/second thought. I didn't give away my child, I simply delivered a child to her parents.
As part of this update, I wanted to make note of how my relationship with my FIPs (former intended parents) has gone. Some surrogates don't have any communication afterward, some have frequent updates. You get so close to someone during pregnancy--my FIM (the mom) was someone I talked to daily, sometimes throughout the day...since we met last March. And I knew it would end when she had a newborn to keep her company and I was no longer the center of her world. And I knew I would be okay, but it is still something anyone looking into surrogacy needs to understand. It will change. It will be different. My FIM missed me too which I wasn't prepared for--so we have made a point to keep in touch as often as we can. Many experienced surrogates have something planned for the "after". An event or hobby to really focus on...those post-partum hormones do take time to work out and having something fun to do can really help. No matter how close you are with your FIPs, they have their family and like anyone with a newborn, weeks can go by without a phone call to anyone outside the house. It isn't anything personal and honestly I was glad to really focus on my life for a while when the hormones were at the highest peak and I was still adjusting to an empty belly.
Sleep is something that you do get to enjoy after birth however and I think that makes a huge difference in your mental state as a surrogate. I never had the blues like I did after my own children. Yet the weight didn't fall off as quickly because I wasn't nursing a child, but here six months later, and I am pretty close to fitting into my old clothes. About once a week something else will decide to fit. I am sure if I had stuck with the gym, this would have been the case months ago. :-) My life is back to how it was, just with all blinders removed. I was changed forever by this surrogacy. I have a new appreciation for family and for the true friends that stood by me during this first journey. I am so much busier now with my life and every day embrace all that is represented by being busy...a roof over my head, food on the table and someone waiting for me at the end of the day. I would never have experienced this level of appreciation without entering into the world of surrogacy. I would never have seen what people go through just to make a family. I would never have gotten to know some of the most amazing people if I had never met my FIPs. I was one of the very lucky ones...my FIM and I hit it off right away and knew from the beginning we would have an amazing journey.
My faith is stronger and truer knowing that science can only do so much when it comes to creating life...life is and will always be something decided by God. Infertility is a life changer, no matter which side of the fence you are on...the doors that open because of it can sometimes surprise you. I saw my FIM a few weeks ago showing off her baby girl to some friends and it really hit me that life will never be the same for them. I did that. I made her dream come true but I didn't do it alone. Surrogacy is a group effort and the many people in my life that supported me, made it all possible. So six months out, I want to thank everyone again...for no telling what the future may bring.
Monday, October 10, 2011
How do you do it??
So I am busy now with my part time job that landed amazingly in my lap. I feel lucky...blessed for this opportunity that actually uses my finance degree and allows me to get dressed up and interact with actual grown ups during the week. This blessing is huge...a huge adjustment. I don't know how most of the population does it with work and family--and most people I know work full time...with more than one child...with after school activities...with a church to visit multiple times a week...geez. So how do I with my two elementary school children and a part time job feel like I can't get one step ahead?? I guess this is why there are cleaning ladies and restaurants...maybe those are two things I need to utilize a lot more often.
I have had so many different blog posts in my mind...so much has happend since the kiddos went back to school the first week of August. A week ago Eleanor lost her first tooth--I remember when that tooth popped through the gums and now it has made way for the adult tooth that I was just able to see yesterday. The years are going by so quickly and even when I throw out my arms and legs making my best impression of a big "X," time continues slipping by.
Today I had one of those moments where you are overwhelmed with all you have and not all you have to do. After the rush to get everyone out by 7:20am, we were on the way to school when I stopped at a red light. A single glimpse into the rear-view mirror reminded me of the real meaning of my life. I love my two back seat passengers more than anything on this planet and in those very moments, I had to give in to the huge-ness of what I have in this life and how I couldn't ask for more (other than an extra hour or two in the day). Life is crazy and busy and hectic...but good. We have taken more moments to spend as a family and made sure in all the busy-ness that everyone gets an extra hug or kiss at the end of the day.
I got new pictures of J&M's baby this morning. Almost six months old. Six months since I finished my nine month baby growing project. Maybe seeing that little miracle helped remind me of my own miracles. I was afraid I would forget that feeling and for a bit, in the hustle and bustle, I started to. I don't want to ever take for granted those amazing children or make them feeling anything less than completely loved. I want to teach them to be happy, healthy people who understand how hard this life is but also how great it can be. Things aren't always easy, but looking around and seeing the friends and family that love me makes me see exactly how I have made it so far. Busy people may not have a lot of time for friends and family, but they sure will appreciate those moments that are taken out for the people in our lives that matter most. I guess at this point in my life I should be thankful I have an amazing husband. Someone to pick up the slack around the house and encourage me when I am feeling run down. I am starting to see that a mom is a really great mom when she has a really great man behind her.
I have had so many different blog posts in my mind...so much has happend since the kiddos went back to school the first week of August. A week ago Eleanor lost her first tooth--I remember when that tooth popped through the gums and now it has made way for the adult tooth that I was just able to see yesterday. The years are going by so quickly and even when I throw out my arms and legs making my best impression of a big "X," time continues slipping by.
Today I had one of those moments where you are overwhelmed with all you have and not all you have to do. After the rush to get everyone out by 7:20am, we were on the way to school when I stopped at a red light. A single glimpse into the rear-view mirror reminded me of the real meaning of my life. I love my two back seat passengers more than anything on this planet and in those very moments, I had to give in to the huge-ness of what I have in this life and how I couldn't ask for more (other than an extra hour or two in the day). Life is crazy and busy and hectic...but good. We have taken more moments to spend as a family and made sure in all the busy-ness that everyone gets an extra hug or kiss at the end of the day.
I got new pictures of J&M's baby this morning. Almost six months old. Six months since I finished my nine month baby growing project. Maybe seeing that little miracle helped remind me of my own miracles. I was afraid I would forget that feeling and for a bit, in the hustle and bustle, I started to. I don't want to ever take for granted those amazing children or make them feeling anything less than completely loved. I want to teach them to be happy, healthy people who understand how hard this life is but also how great it can be. Things aren't always easy, but looking around and seeing the friends and family that love me makes me see exactly how I have made it so far. Busy people may not have a lot of time for friends and family, but they sure will appreciate those moments that are taken out for the people in our lives that matter most. I guess at this point in my life I should be thankful I have an amazing husband. Someone to pick up the slack around the house and encourage me when I am feeling run down. I am starting to see that a mom is a really great mom when she has a really great man behind her.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Changes
Just a few weeks ago I was struggling with where I needed to go next. It is so strange how thinking and praying about something can actually give you a result. I know at this point that so much of my life has come in a time that is not my own, but it is all part of a bigger plan. It is so hard to be patient and wait when answers elude you. There are times when your "needs" are actually "wants" and time is the only thing that shows you this truth.
It is funny to me how surrogacy has changed my life. Taking a year "off" of my own life and learning to appreciate all that I can do (like carry more than a gallon of milk!) that I typically take for granted. Believing in this process and knowing that God will make anything happen that is supposed to...learning to trust and have faith. The turning points in my life have all been like this. I struggle with something and then after a while, things begin to happen and I see a clear answer. With the surrogacy, we got pregnant the first try, had some ups and downs during the pregnancy, but the end result was a wonderfully healthy baby girl. I truly learned the meaning of family and love over the last year. I learned who is there for me and taught my children how to reach out and help other people. Things came out of this last year, other than a baby, that I never anticipated. And for the friends, the family, the support...I am grateful.
So I have been praying about where to go next, where to put my energy for the next little while. And the other day I got a phone call about a part time job. A job where I would be in an office, dressing nicely, interacting with people. Actually using skills that have been on the shelf for a very long time. I got excited. It all felt right and the flexibility will allow me to still be involved at school. I would go to work after I drop the kids off and when I am done working I can leisurely get in the car pool line--we still start and end our days together and that is what I want for my family. There will be an occasional time where the kids will be at home with hubby during the work day but he has committed to helping however he can. I don't mind a "movie day" every once in a while since I know how hard the kids work at school and if this means that I don't impose on anyone else all that often, it seems good to me. I know I will need some help though and the next few weeks will involve lining up a few back up people.
This past month has also involved some physical changes. Four personal training sessions along with a personal workout plan and I have noticed a new feeling: strength. I can physically push myself to do things I didn't think possible. While I haven't really lost weight, I am changing my body. My balance has improved and I feel like I am standing taller as muscles are long and lean. The challenge of exercise has provided a mental rush too...so I feel like there have been lots of mind/body improvements going on.
And the last change for this month will be my baby turning five. A five year old is so different from a four-year old and things start to happen at an exceptionally quick rate. This first year of elementary school takes in a little kid and at the end, there will be a very grown up, independent child that be capable of so much more than you ever imagined. I have anticipated this change and looked forward to it at times, but it is the most heart wrenching part of my life right now. It seems like she was just put in my arms for the first time, a moment ago...and the years of spitting up, learning to walk and potty-training are now just a blink. Where has the time gone? My baby girl is less than a week away from turning 5 and just two weeks away from starting kindergarten. I hope I am ready, because I know without a doubt that she is.
Life can change so quickly and I feel so blessed that those changes, even when they seem major, have always brought something positive. I look forward to this new chapter and am curious to see if there is anything else around the corner!
It is funny to me how surrogacy has changed my life. Taking a year "off" of my own life and learning to appreciate all that I can do (like carry more than a gallon of milk!) that I typically take for granted. Believing in this process and knowing that God will make anything happen that is supposed to...learning to trust and have faith. The turning points in my life have all been like this. I struggle with something and then after a while, things begin to happen and I see a clear answer. With the surrogacy, we got pregnant the first try, had some ups and downs during the pregnancy, but the end result was a wonderfully healthy baby girl. I truly learned the meaning of family and love over the last year. I learned who is there for me and taught my children how to reach out and help other people. Things came out of this last year, other than a baby, that I never anticipated. And for the friends, the family, the support...I am grateful.
So I have been praying about where to go next, where to put my energy for the next little while. And the other day I got a phone call about a part time job. A job where I would be in an office, dressing nicely, interacting with people. Actually using skills that have been on the shelf for a very long time. I got excited. It all felt right and the flexibility will allow me to still be involved at school. I would go to work after I drop the kids off and when I am done working I can leisurely get in the car pool line--we still start and end our days together and that is what I want for my family. There will be an occasional time where the kids will be at home with hubby during the work day but he has committed to helping however he can. I don't mind a "movie day" every once in a while since I know how hard the kids work at school and if this means that I don't impose on anyone else all that often, it seems good to me. I know I will need some help though and the next few weeks will involve lining up a few back up people.
This past month has also involved some physical changes. Four personal training sessions along with a personal workout plan and I have noticed a new feeling: strength. I can physically push myself to do things I didn't think possible. While I haven't really lost weight, I am changing my body. My balance has improved and I feel like I am standing taller as muscles are long and lean. The challenge of exercise has provided a mental rush too...so I feel like there have been lots of mind/body improvements going on.
And the last change for this month will be my baby turning five. A five year old is so different from a four-year old and things start to happen at an exceptionally quick rate. This first year of elementary school takes in a little kid and at the end, there will be a very grown up, independent child that be capable of so much more than you ever imagined. I have anticipated this change and looked forward to it at times, but it is the most heart wrenching part of my life right now. It seems like she was just put in my arms for the first time, a moment ago...and the years of spitting up, learning to walk and potty-training are now just a blink. Where has the time gone? My baby girl is less than a week away from turning 5 and just two weeks away from starting kindergarten. I hope I am ready, because I know without a doubt that she is.
Life can change so quickly and I feel so blessed that those changes, even when they seem major, have always brought something positive. I look forward to this new chapter and am curious to see if there is anything else around the corner!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Some days...
are harder than others. You look around and see so many people with newborns or getting ready for a new baby and you have to stop and think...should I have another? Should I focus on helping those that can't when I have such an amazing family? Or should I add to this awesome group with one more amazing soul? It has been 12 weeks and 1 day since I gave birth. That whole concept seems strange to me. I read blogs about a baby that might come home this week, after months in the NICU. I have a friend recovering from a hysterectomy that is done with her family, yet still battled with this whole idea up until her day of surgery. I sit here with an empty belly wondering..."what is next?" And I just don't know. I don't know what this life holds for me next. My kids are so big...my baby starts kindergarten in a few weeks. My family is done and complete, but my heart still aches. Is it to help someone else or just to take a few moments to grieve that my children are growing up?
Emotions are still raw at this point. I feel "normal" but not sure some days exactly what that means. I feel strong and secure in my desire to help someone else have that family that they have longed for. I feel badly that it all came to me so easily when so many people work so hard for a it. Really, why is it so hard? Why do some people struggle. Life is not fair when you want a baby and it doesn't happen. Am I selfish to sometimes struggle with wanting a third child when my two healthy children are the light of my life? Should I put this energy into making my body strong so I can help someone else have what I treasure the most? Why are some days so hard? Why are some days filled with uncertainty when other days everything seems so clear?
I guess for now, I will spend time with all the babies in my life and treasure my "big kids" and the independence they have. I know for certain that surrogacy has allowed me a very unique opportunity to appreciate my family and all that I have and for right now, in this moment, that is all I need to feel right with the world.
Emotions are still raw at this point. I feel "normal" but not sure some days exactly what that means. I feel strong and secure in my desire to help someone else have that family that they have longed for. I feel badly that it all came to me so easily when so many people work so hard for a it. Really, why is it so hard? Why do some people struggle. Life is not fair when you want a baby and it doesn't happen. Am I selfish to sometimes struggle with wanting a third child when my two healthy children are the light of my life? Should I put this energy into making my body strong so I can help someone else have what I treasure the most? Why are some days so hard? Why are some days filled with uncertainty when other days everything seems so clear?
I guess for now, I will spend time with all the babies in my life and treasure my "big kids" and the independence they have. I know for certain that surrogacy has allowed me a very unique opportunity to appreciate my family and all that I have and for right now, in this moment, that is all I need to feel right with the world.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
And thinking...
So the last few weeks have been crazy. Nothing like the end of school to really push your limits. Plus I started working out and spent a good deal of time at the gym. I helped out at school on day and worked in a great preschool playdate for Miss E before big brother was out. We are pretty low key most of the time, so gearing up for summer and getting busy really wears us out. I was more relaxed with bedtimes too, since Alex didn't have homework last week...so we were off schedule quite a bit too.
Feeling the burn of muscles being used after so long of inactivity, is a really good feeling. I have never been athletic except for a year of JV Cheerleading Sophomore year and running a little in middle school. Through high school and college, I worked a lot and spent whole shifts on my feet and I guess that helped keep me thin all those years. Everyone knows that once you have kids, you never sit still and that has helped a good bit too. But now, well, the feeling of the muscles getting warm and tight has almost gotten addictive. This week, I am trying out some of the classes, but have a full on training session tomorrow. Yesterday I had all my measurements taken and it was humbling. I am glad I don't have prebaby numbers for comparison.
So lately I have been doing lots of thinking. Weighing pro's and con's of going down the surrogacy path again. I am hoping that this personal fitness journey will lead me to the best physical condition I can be in and at that point, another surrogacy. There is just something so life altering and amazing to see someone with a family...especially when they have waited so long. I don't want to put undue strain on my body, so I will get it where it needs to be. I want to do this again and the pull to my heart is just too strong. So I will exercise and eat right. I will enjoy my body while it is mine and when the time comes, I know the right couple will come along.
With the first journey, I didn't do a lot of looking around. I met an amazing couple and we clicked. The fact that they are local was interesting. At one point, I had been thinking that a couple that was somewhat far away would be better, easier, after delivery. But watching that mom go to the appointments, seeing the doctor talk to her as a first time mom, that was awesome. She got to be a major part of the pregnancy and I would love to have the same situation moving forward. Some of the newness of surrogacy has worn off, but I can say I am more prepared and know exactly what I need to do to get the best situation for everyone. I don't have plans to get pregnant until 2012 as I need time. Time for my family, time for friends, time to get strong and time to think about the last time I will be pregnant.
Until then, it is summer and we are already enjoying it. We have done arts and crafts (thanks http://disney.go.com/disneyjunior for your great games and ridiculously complicated print and cut activities), played outside and even hit the pool with friends. I am so glad to have my kids home and get out of schedule a little bit. We work so hard during the school year and with only six weeks off, well, we have earned the right to do whatever we want. August 4th will be here before I know it and I have 5.5weeks to get myself ready to have two kids in elementary school.
Feeling the burn of muscles being used after so long of inactivity, is a really good feeling. I have never been athletic except for a year of JV Cheerleading Sophomore year and running a little in middle school. Through high school and college, I worked a lot and spent whole shifts on my feet and I guess that helped keep me thin all those years. Everyone knows that once you have kids, you never sit still and that has helped a good bit too. But now, well, the feeling of the muscles getting warm and tight has almost gotten addictive. This week, I am trying out some of the classes, but have a full on training session tomorrow. Yesterday I had all my measurements taken and it was humbling. I am glad I don't have prebaby numbers for comparison.
So lately I have been doing lots of thinking. Weighing pro's and con's of going down the surrogacy path again. I am hoping that this personal fitness journey will lead me to the best physical condition I can be in and at that point, another surrogacy. There is just something so life altering and amazing to see someone with a family...especially when they have waited so long. I don't want to put undue strain on my body, so I will get it where it needs to be. I want to do this again and the pull to my heart is just too strong. So I will exercise and eat right. I will enjoy my body while it is mine and when the time comes, I know the right couple will come along.
With the first journey, I didn't do a lot of looking around. I met an amazing couple and we clicked. The fact that they are local was interesting. At one point, I had been thinking that a couple that was somewhat far away would be better, easier, after delivery. But watching that mom go to the appointments, seeing the doctor talk to her as a first time mom, that was awesome. She got to be a major part of the pregnancy and I would love to have the same situation moving forward. Some of the newness of surrogacy has worn off, but I can say I am more prepared and know exactly what I need to do to get the best situation for everyone. I don't have plans to get pregnant until 2012 as I need time. Time for my family, time for friends, time to get strong and time to think about the last time I will be pregnant.
Until then, it is summer and we are already enjoying it. We have done arts and crafts (thanks http://disney.go.com/disneyjunior for your great games and ridiculously complicated print and cut activities), played outside and even hit the pool with friends. I am so glad to have my kids home and get out of schedule a little bit. We work so hard during the school year and with only six weeks off, well, we have earned the right to do whatever we want. August 4th will be here before I know it and I have 5.5weeks to get myself ready to have two kids in elementary school.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Strength
I haven't been feeling so strong lately...and mostly, I mean this in the physical way. After the baby was born (and during which the pregnancy only allowed me six weeks of normal activity), my arms and legs were tired. My core muscles were gone and I felt loose, wobbly almost. Relying heavily on an abdominal support, I made my way through those first few weeks and started noticing that I felt tighter and stronger. I could carry things again without feeling a strain of overuse. Wednesday I had my post partum check up and was told what I pretty much knew already. My core muscles were weak, my pelvic floor was really weak. For anyone not familiar, your pelvic floor is pretty much the group of muscles that keeps your insides in. :-) When you are pregnant, these muscles work by holding your growing uterus. Sometimes no matter how many kegels you do, this muscle group is overextended. I was told that I needed time, a good bit of time, to strengthen these muscles before I even consider getting pregnant again...
...I guess I should stop here to say that I as stressful as being a surrogate was at times, I really look back at the entire experience with a very positive feeling. I would love to be able to help J&M again if they decide they want a sibling...and if they don't, well, I feel like there is someone else out there that I might be able to help. I haven't decided whether or not I want to be a surrogate again and with the doctor telling me that another big baby could be really hard on my body, it throws my thought process a curve-ball. She didn't say I couldn't carry, but said I would have to work hard to get all my muscles strong enough to endure.
When a decision you wanted to make yourself, might be made for you by your body, it can be hard to process. (This must be just a glimpse of what people dealing with infertility feel when they are told they can't carry at all). I wanted to come to the decision myself and since we know I have no patience, I sort of wanted to make the decision based on this doctor visit. While I knew I needed to get stronger, physically, I wasn't quite prepared for the reality. A whole range of emotions have flooded me the last few days--everything from relief to sadness. And maybe taking time to make a decision, depending on how things continue to go physically, will make me emotionally stronger as well.
Everyone at my house has been sick. We are officially at the two week mark with the coughing and sneezing. All of us have allergies to some degree, although everyone had been functioning very well with some otc medication. Somewhere we picked up an extra germ to add to the already goopy mess and Eleanor ended up with a sinus infection. So far me and the hubby have fared the best, as we are still coughing but never ran a fever. One of the hardest parts of being a mom is being sick yourself while trying to take care of the rest of the family. Being strong on so many levels is just part of the job.
There have been plenty of distractions lately so that has helped. Not only with everyone being sick, but a field trip thrown in Tuesday. We are also waiting for a very dear friend to have her baby (come on baby!!). Its nice to focus on other things for a while, so I haven't really thought much about the blog or what may happen with a possible second surrogacy. I can't be totally self absorbed all the time. :-)
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| Its twirly! |
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| The new skirt! |
As I had a ball today creating things for my family, I was reminded that if my body isn't strong enough to carry another child, at least I can do other things. I can be a great wife, mother, and friend...I can share awesome home-making tips that I stumble upon...great sewing tutorials...and maybe, give someone else the strength to do something they have always wanted to do. For if the people closest to you don't give you strength, who will?
***A great tip I learned for gathers/ruffles...set your tension to the highest setting, turn up your stitch length and sew: the machine does it for you!! You can make the gathers even more defined by holding onto the top thread slightly as you sew (which can be quite tricky if you want to keep sewing in a straight line). It was so much faster than making the basting stitch and doing it all by hand.***
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| The "old" skirt in action. |
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| And the little man! |
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Giving thanks and reaching out
http://dixonsmakeitwork.blogspot.com/p/just-relax.html
Visit this blog. The girl, Jen, that so openly shared her story on infertility, has some really amazing friends. They have gotten together to do a benefit for her and her family as they are still struggling with a baby in the NICU. I am pretty sure everyone that checks my blog probably checks hers, but in case you have found me without finding Jen, you have to read her story when you have time. She is funny and you will cry...her story (as well as stories of friends that came out over the last few years) really made me determined to be a surrogate. http://www.jennepper.com/
I need to note that I was also inspired to take life by the horns after reading the book, "The Happiness Project" (available here: http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Project-Morning-Aristotle-Generally/dp/0061583251). I am a happy person so reading this book may seem odd. I feel like life passes us too quickly and reading about Gretchen and the choices she made to take that happiness to a higher level was truly inspiring. I knew I had something big inside me, but I needed the motivation and courage to do it...this book did just that. I highly recommend everyone read it. I own a copy if anyone wants to borrow it.
Life is just too short and too fragile not to thank those people that make our lives what they are are and way too short to hold yourself back from doing something you think may just make a difference. Take today and make it matter...or make a plan to make more of every day that comes. Each day that passes molds us into the person we are today and without the ups and downs, the mistakes and successes, the good days and bad, we would be totally different people in a totally different place. I can say that while I may have regrets in life, and feel like I let too many days pass without special meaning, that I am who I am because of it all...and for that, I wouldn't change a thing.
Visit this blog. The girl, Jen, that so openly shared her story on infertility, has some really amazing friends. They have gotten together to do a benefit for her and her family as they are still struggling with a baby in the NICU. I am pretty sure everyone that checks my blog probably checks hers, but in case you have found me without finding Jen, you have to read her story when you have time. She is funny and you will cry...her story (as well as stories of friends that came out over the last few years) really made me determined to be a surrogate. http://www.jennepper.com/
I need to note that I was also inspired to take life by the horns after reading the book, "The Happiness Project" (available here: http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Project-Morning-Aristotle-Generally/dp/0061583251). I am a happy person so reading this book may seem odd. I feel like life passes us too quickly and reading about Gretchen and the choices she made to take that happiness to a higher level was truly inspiring. I knew I had something big inside me, but I needed the motivation and courage to do it...this book did just that. I highly recommend everyone read it. I own a copy if anyone wants to borrow it.
Life is just too short and too fragile not to thank those people that make our lives what they are are and way too short to hold yourself back from doing something you think may just make a difference. Take today and make it matter...or make a plan to make more of every day that comes. Each day that passes molds us into the person we are today and without the ups and downs, the mistakes and successes, the good days and bad, we would be totally different people in a totally different place. I can say that while I may have regrets in life, and feel like I let too many days pass without special meaning, that I am who I am because of it all...and for that, I wouldn't change a thing.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day
Its amazing when a day suddenly has a new meaning...I grew up making Mothers Day cards and gifts for my mom and grandmothers, but over the years this day has truly evolved. I finally get it, get what it means to be a mom. I have been celebrated myself now for 7 years...my first Mothers Day when Alex was only a few weeks old. All those years ago, I had no idea what I was in for...I was "green" as they say...just happy to have my baby in my arms, no need to really celebrate.
This year, I feel like I "get" it...I know why we celebrate our Mothers and why we take a moment to think of their importance in our lives. Mothers do so much for their children in ways beyond the feeding, clothing, loving that we see day to day. A mom is there for support, even when they don't agree, they let you try life your way and see what happens because they know it will make stronger in the end. If you fail and you come running back, you have a learned just as valuable a lesson as when you succeed. Those risks make us stronger and make us look outside the box. Mothering isn't just teaching your children to do the right thing, it is showing them that can use any situation to learn and grow.
As a mother, you learn to follow your heart. You know when your children are sick or having a bad day just by looking at them. You know when to be stern and you know when to open your arms. Your heart speaks so loudly as a mother, that some days, its hard to do anything but watch your children, in awe that they are yours. I see my kids growing way too fast, becoming independent people with their own dreams and goals. I hope that as their mother, I have nurtured them in such a way that they feel they can take on the world and survive no matter which way life goes for them. My children will always be a success if they can follow their hearts and trust in their minds.
As a mother, I was led to become a surrogate and will most likely pursue it again. I wanted to teach my children that we help other people when we can. We give of ourselves because this life isn't just about us...I would never have thought my gift would be to grow babies, but maybe more than growing a baby I was able to create a family. And that is what I celebrate today, as I not only have my family, but another that will be forever changed because of the choice I made to give of myself.
I am so proud of myself and all the people that have come forward to support me always--not only in surrogacy but in motherhood. I celebrate us all today, as together, we have made a difference in so many lives. Happy Mothers Day!
This year, I feel like I "get" it...I know why we celebrate our Mothers and why we take a moment to think of their importance in our lives. Mothers do so much for their children in ways beyond the feeding, clothing, loving that we see day to day. A mom is there for support, even when they don't agree, they let you try life your way and see what happens because they know it will make stronger in the end. If you fail and you come running back, you have a learned just as valuable a lesson as when you succeed. Those risks make us stronger and make us look outside the box. Mothering isn't just teaching your children to do the right thing, it is showing them that can use any situation to learn and grow.
As a mother, you learn to follow your heart. You know when your children are sick or having a bad day just by looking at them. You know when to be stern and you know when to open your arms. Your heart speaks so loudly as a mother, that some days, its hard to do anything but watch your children, in awe that they are yours. I see my kids growing way too fast, becoming independent people with their own dreams and goals. I hope that as their mother, I have nurtured them in such a way that they feel they can take on the world and survive no matter which way life goes for them. My children will always be a success if they can follow their hearts and trust in their minds.
As a mother, I was led to become a surrogate and will most likely pursue it again. I wanted to teach my children that we help other people when we can. We give of ourselves because this life isn't just about us...I would never have thought my gift would be to grow babies, but maybe more than growing a baby I was able to create a family. And that is what I celebrate today, as I not only have my family, but another that will be forever changed because of the choice I made to give of myself.
I am so proud of myself and all the people that have come forward to support me always--not only in surrogacy but in motherhood. I celebrate us all today, as together, we have made a difference in so many lives. Happy Mothers Day!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Hello Hormones!!
So the thing with being a surrogate and recovering fairly well, is that you forget that you actually gave birth...GAVE BIRTH...just a few weeks ago. Your mind is clear and bright from resting and not dealing with a new baby, so you sort of forget that your body really has gone through something huge. So much so that you are completely caught off guard by the surge of emotions that have no name. I had been on the look-out for rouge hormones those first two weeks, but coasting into week 3, I thought I was in the clear.
Yesterday I was completely going about my business when, WHAM, I wanted to cry. Eleanor had a tough day and cried a few times herself, very out of ordinary for my vibrant girl. Maybe that set the tone...were we both hormonal?? I had gotten everything done that I wanted to and truly had a great day. When this craziness emerged, I went to lay down and figure out what was wrong, but nothing was wrong...I wasn't sad or mad or anything really. The feeling was in the back of my throat like I wanted to scream or cry or throw up...maybe all three. After a little while, I returned to normal and the feeling (of not feeling anything) went away.
Tonight I had a recurrence. One of those things were you are set off by something that shouldn't really bother you...again after a day that was a bit more trying than it should have been. My mind was already somewhat crazy after spending hours looking for a key to the box that holds Eleanor's birth certificate (mind you, I am sort of emotional trying to get everything ready to register her for kindergarten before the magnet school deadline while trying to not actually think about my baby going to kindergarten--as that will make any mom emotional). Then after dinner, Eleanor was coughing so hard she threw up twice in the bathroom sink...so gross...I tried to turn her around to puke in the toilet but she wasn't budging. Finally a simple request by my husband to continue hanging out with one of his oldest friends, pushed me over the edge. I was in tears at the thought of him not coming home when I had anticipated. He NEVER gets guy time even though I always push him to and this one time that he asks to stay out later, I completely freak out. It was the strangest thing. I didn't really have a reason for him, but got all scary hormone crazy on him. Luckily I came to my sense fairly quickly and called him back telling him to enjoy the evening...I mean, really, I could totally see myself calling him asking the exact same thing.
My body is still recovering and still trying to work through everything that has happened, while my mind is exactly where it needs to be. Mentally I feel so good...almost giddy really. The enormity of what I have done for another family is just amazing, plus I am back in my jeans (a cool spurt actually boosted my moral yesterday morning, when the jeans fit better than my spring capris and shorts) and everyone is telling me how great I look...I mean, who wouldn't be feeling on top of the world??!! I have rocked this surrogacy and my body apparently has to remind me that it isn't quite where the rest of me is...oh well...hopefully this doesn't last too long and I don't turn the crazy on anyone else.
So now, the house is quiet and I am good. The wine has been poured and the chocolates are ready to compliment it. :-) Seems like an evening to myself might be just what I need and hopefully this crazy hormone thing will settle down soon. For the interim, I have lots of wine and chocolate.
Yesterday I was completely going about my business when, WHAM, I wanted to cry. Eleanor had a tough day and cried a few times herself, very out of ordinary for my vibrant girl. Maybe that set the tone...were we both hormonal?? I had gotten everything done that I wanted to and truly had a great day. When this craziness emerged, I went to lay down and figure out what was wrong, but nothing was wrong...I wasn't sad or mad or anything really. The feeling was in the back of my throat like I wanted to scream or cry or throw up...maybe all three. After a little while, I returned to normal and the feeling (of not feeling anything) went away.
Tonight I had a recurrence. One of those things were you are set off by something that shouldn't really bother you...again after a day that was a bit more trying than it should have been. My mind was already somewhat crazy after spending hours looking for a key to the box that holds Eleanor's birth certificate (mind you, I am sort of emotional trying to get everything ready to register her for kindergarten before the magnet school deadline while trying to not actually think about my baby going to kindergarten--as that will make any mom emotional). Then after dinner, Eleanor was coughing so hard she threw up twice in the bathroom sink...so gross...I tried to turn her around to puke in the toilet but she wasn't budging. Finally a simple request by my husband to continue hanging out with one of his oldest friends, pushed me over the edge. I was in tears at the thought of him not coming home when I had anticipated. He NEVER gets guy time even though I always push him to and this one time that he asks to stay out later, I completely freak out. It was the strangest thing. I didn't really have a reason for him, but got all scary hormone crazy on him. Luckily I came to my sense fairly quickly and called him back telling him to enjoy the evening...I mean, really, I could totally see myself calling him asking the exact same thing.
My body is still recovering and still trying to work through everything that has happened, while my mind is exactly where it needs to be. Mentally I feel so good...almost giddy really. The enormity of what I have done for another family is just amazing, plus I am back in my jeans (a cool spurt actually boosted my moral yesterday morning, when the jeans fit better than my spring capris and shorts) and everyone is telling me how great I look...I mean, who wouldn't be feeling on top of the world??!! I have rocked this surrogacy and my body apparently has to remind me that it isn't quite where the rest of me is...oh well...hopefully this doesn't last too long and I don't turn the crazy on anyone else.
So now, the house is quiet and I am good. The wine has been poured and the chocolates are ready to compliment it. :-) Seems like an evening to myself might be just what I need and hopefully this crazy hormone thing will settle down soon. For the interim, I have lots of wine and chocolate.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Checking In...
So it has another week and life has continued to get back to normal. I am feeling really well and it doesn't hurt to be back in my regular clothes. I feel very fortunate that my body has forgiven me for carrying around so much weight for so long. It seems to be one more sign that my body was made for growing babies.
Speaking of Eleanor, I haven't really had any good pictures of her lately so I decided to pull out my old camera. Apparently, the camera I got for Christmas 2009 has a strange flash setting (which I have tried to change and there are no other options for) and every picture I take of Miss Eleanor has her eyes closed. The old camera doesn't have this problem, so now I have pictures of my baby with her eyes opened!! Yay!!
Yesterday I had the privilege of being invited out to J&M's house to see the baby and the nursery. Baby A is back to her birth weight plus 2 oz (9lbs15oz for anyone keeping track!), which is right on track for just over two weeks old. She has gotten even more beautiful in the last two weeks and J seems to be very in love with her new little girl.
Even better than seeing the baby was seeing J. That probably sounds so strange to anyone...I mean, moms are great but babies are amazing! But the crazy thing is, I bonded with J during the course of the pregnancy and even before. She was the one that I got to know on a very personal level. I looked her in the eyes at 13 weeks when we thought we lost the baby...I also got to see the elation when that baby girl was safely delivered to her arms. The best and worst of someone and I was there for those moments. This woman will always be considered a very close, personal friend. I am so thankful that she has continued to keep me updated on their lives and feels as close to me as I do to her.
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| My new sewing cabinet all ready to go! |
I have tried to start focusing on more than just the surrogacy though and while I am definitely feeling like I want to go down that path again, I need to focus on a few other things for a bit...like all my sewing!!
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| Eleanor's pup, not quite finished |
Recently I bought "One Yard-Wonders" (available here for purchase: http://www.amazon.com/One-Yard-Wonders-Sewing-Fabric-Projects/dp/1603424490/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1304522035&sr=8-1) and decided to let Eleanor pick a project. She went for a very cute little dog stuff animal. I have never made anything stuffed in my life, outside of the square pillow category, but I am always up for a challenge. The dog has a few little areas where it didn't quite turn out right, but I know as soon as the hand stitching is done (which I can't stand doing because I am horrible at it) she will have a new little pup to love.
Speaking of Eleanor, I haven't really had any good pictures of her lately so I decided to pull out my old camera. Apparently, the camera I got for Christmas 2009 has a strange flash setting (which I have tried to change and there are no other options for) and every picture I take of Miss Eleanor has her eyes closed. The old camera doesn't have this problem, so now I have pictures of my baby with her eyes opened!! Yay!! 
Since I am adding photos to this post, I will also add pics of the other babies in the house...Niko (orange tabby) and Sasha (white with black points). They are both coming up on their 2nd birthdays and they really round out the crew. Niko likes to nose at the blinds and meow so you open them up. He goes all around the house doing this and it really is cute.
Life feels so very complete right now. Amazing to look around and feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be...
Thursday, April 21, 2011
The Birth Story
So here is my story...
I woke up on Sunday morning around 3am with a huge contraction. I have been having contractions for weeks but this was a whole new level. I had been worried that I wouldn't know when things became real...there was no doubt that things were switching from practice to productive. :-) I shifted in the bed and went back to sleep until almost 4am when another huge contraction hit. Deciding that I might want to move around, I got out of bed and went downstairs. Time was passing slowly and I was on the verge of heading back to bed when another contraction hit (4:20am), then again (4:41am). For some reason that last contraction was like a green light that things were starting. The contractions had gone from 20 minutes, down to 7, 5 and 3 minutes apart all in single sequence. By 5:14am I was texting Meagan, my labor coach, that she might want to get ready because something was definitely going on. I was so excited to actually be going into labor since I was induced with my kids and had an induction on the books with this baby too.
By the time we get checked in at the hospital around 6:45am, the contractions had been a consistent 3-5 minutes apart lasting at least a minute. I was getting worried that this was still going to be pretend and I would still be at 2cm--but I was at 5cm!! Yay! We were heading up to a room. I texted my IPs when we got to the hospital but hadn't heard back from them yet. I was starting to get anxious that things were moving quickly and they weren't there. We finally heard back from them...new phones and things not working right, but they were headed on over!!
By 7:45am, I was 7cm and waiting on my epidural. Mom and Dad had arrived and everything was moving in slow motion for me. I had no idea that it was only an hour after getting to the hospital. I was trying to breathe through my contractions and have extra pressure applied to my hips but I couldn't take it. I had hoped to go natural but I figure getting to 7cm was as much natural as I needed and now it was time to relax. By 8am I had my epi and was feeling so much better. I could still move my feet and feel a little pressure so I was pleased with how it was taking. My hips didn't feel like my legs were being pulled out of socket and I could actually look at people in my room. :-) I don't think I said anything to the IPs for the first 20 minutes they were in the room. I could barely do more than breathe through the contraction before another one hit.
After the epi, the room was completely different. We were all talking about the pregnancy and everyone was getting so excited about the birth. The epi did lower my blood pressure so I had some moments of feeling faint and nauseated. The nurse was able to give me some medicine in my IV to help and about 10 minutes later I was feeling really good. The doc broke my water around 9:30am as I was still around 7cm. At 10:30am we were at 9cm and things started getting busy around the room. The parents changed into gowns so they could do skin-to-skin with the baby after the birth. We were all talking and laughing waiting to get the go to push. I was absolutely giddy at this point. It seemed so surreal that we were all sitting in a delivery room waiting on a miracle.
At 11:19am, we started pushing. I couldn't feel as much as with my daughter and being almost five years since doing this last, I wasn't sure exactly what to do...luckily it is like riding a bike and after a few odd feeling pushes I got the hang of it. The IPs were holding my feet and got to witness the birth of their daughter at 11:35am. The baby's shoulders did get stuck behind my pelvic bone, so the doc had to deliver one arm after her head and give her a little twist (with help from a nurse pushing on my belly) but then she slid right out. It was a little stressful when the nurse asked the dad to sit down so she could climb up on me. The baby was a little purple but wiggling and making noises. The doc put her directly into her mother's arms and daddy cut the cord. It was the most amazing sight I have ever witnessed.
The IPs were collecting cord blood, so the doc harvested that from the cord, it only took a few minutes, but apparently I had fabulous blood flow even after all our placenta problems second trimester. She could have filled two containers if she had them! The placenta was delivered next, then I was stitched (and stitched and stitched). I had a second degree tear along the scar line from my son's birth--he got stuck too and I had a pretty bad tear then. I was up walking around probably about two hours after the birth. The baby, IPs and I spent all that time together in the labor/delivery room. I am so glad I had that time to watch them snuggle their daughter and think about all that had just happened. We were all shocked when the nurse read out the baby's weight although you could tell she was a good size. I honestly felt like a rock star for carrying her and getting her out so quickly.
I left the hospital after 24 hours and it was almost surreal to think of all that had happened in such a short period of time. The nurses kept coming in asking how I was feeling about everything now that I had given birth and I felt so much better. I always had a good feeling and knew that this baby girl was so loved and would be given everything she ever needed...but seeing those first moments with her and her parents, made any every ache, every day of stress, completely worth it.
The IPs brought the baby in to visit that first night in the hospital and came to hang out with me the next morning while the baby got checked out. I have gotten texts and pictures every day, which was more than I expected. We do plan to stay in touch but I remember those first few days after birth being a total blur--but I guess part of that is trying to recover, learning to breastfeed (which they don't have to worry about), and getting to know the baby. I do find myself more interested in the baby than I thought I would be...not in a "I want her" kind of way, but definitely in that "my best friend had a baby and I want to hear all the details" kind of way. I also have two friends that are pregnant and due in the next couple of months, so babies are everywhere in my world.
I feel so much love all around me. My own group of family and friends have been so vocal with their support and the IPs have been amazing. I spent so much of this pregnancy feeling like surrogacy wasn't really this huge deal that everyone seems to think it is--I am simply a mom that was willing to help someone else realize the same dream. But somehow in the labor, delivery, and meeting that new baby, it occurred to me how huge this process really is. I may never again do something so life changing. How many things can you do in your life that would have the same impact? I am just a regular person but I did something extraordinary. We are all different than other people in some way and giving this gift truly is so much bigger than I let myself think about while pregnant. I definitely understand how some surrogates can do this over and over, but can also see how one time would be enough. I am still trying to decide if I will pursue another journey. I know I want to wait at least a year so I can enjoy every holiday and celebration with my family as well as get stronger physically. My kids are so happy to have me back and have enjoyed meeting the baby and seeing all the photos that the IM has texted me. There was never a thought in their minds that we would have the baby, so I haven't had any questions or concerns brought up by them.
**As a side note, my IPs are medical professionals so I was fine with them literally watching and being a part of the birth. Not sure if I would have wanted just anyone being that involved but I had no fear of them fainting or being anything less than professional.
I woke up on Sunday morning around 3am with a huge contraction. I have been having contractions for weeks but this was a whole new level. I had been worried that I wouldn't know when things became real...there was no doubt that things were switching from practice to productive. :-) I shifted in the bed and went back to sleep until almost 4am when another huge contraction hit. Deciding that I might want to move around, I got out of bed and went downstairs. Time was passing slowly and I was on the verge of heading back to bed when another contraction hit (4:20am), then again (4:41am). For some reason that last contraction was like a green light that things were starting. The contractions had gone from 20 minutes, down to 7, 5 and 3 minutes apart all in single sequence. By 5:14am I was texting Meagan, my labor coach, that she might want to get ready because something was definitely going on. I was so excited to actually be going into labor since I was induced with my kids and had an induction on the books with this baby too.
By the time we get checked in at the hospital around 6:45am, the contractions had been a consistent 3-5 minutes apart lasting at least a minute. I was getting worried that this was still going to be pretend and I would still be at 2cm--but I was at 5cm!! Yay! We were heading up to a room. I texted my IPs when we got to the hospital but hadn't heard back from them yet. I was starting to get anxious that things were moving quickly and they weren't there. We finally heard back from them...new phones and things not working right, but they were headed on over!!
By 7:45am, I was 7cm and waiting on my epidural. Mom and Dad had arrived and everything was moving in slow motion for me. I had no idea that it was only an hour after getting to the hospital. I was trying to breathe through my contractions and have extra pressure applied to my hips but I couldn't take it. I had hoped to go natural but I figure getting to 7cm was as much natural as I needed and now it was time to relax. By 8am I had my epi and was feeling so much better. I could still move my feet and feel a little pressure so I was pleased with how it was taking. My hips didn't feel like my legs were being pulled out of socket and I could actually look at people in my room. :-) I don't think I said anything to the IPs for the first 20 minutes they were in the room. I could barely do more than breathe through the contraction before another one hit.
After the epi, the room was completely different. We were all talking about the pregnancy and everyone was getting so excited about the birth. The epi did lower my blood pressure so I had some moments of feeling faint and nauseated. The nurse was able to give me some medicine in my IV to help and about 10 minutes later I was feeling really good. The doc broke my water around 9:30am as I was still around 7cm. At 10:30am we were at 9cm and things started getting busy around the room. The parents changed into gowns so they could do skin-to-skin with the baby after the birth. We were all talking and laughing waiting to get the go to push. I was absolutely giddy at this point. It seemed so surreal that we were all sitting in a delivery room waiting on a miracle.
At 11:19am, we started pushing. I couldn't feel as much as with my daughter and being almost five years since doing this last, I wasn't sure exactly what to do...luckily it is like riding a bike and after a few odd feeling pushes I got the hang of it. The IPs were holding my feet and got to witness the birth of their daughter at 11:35am. The baby's shoulders did get stuck behind my pelvic bone, so the doc had to deliver one arm after her head and give her a little twist (with help from a nurse pushing on my belly) but then she slid right out. It was a little stressful when the nurse asked the dad to sit down so she could climb up on me. The baby was a little purple but wiggling and making noises. The doc put her directly into her mother's arms and daddy cut the cord. It was the most amazing sight I have ever witnessed.
The IPs were collecting cord blood, so the doc harvested that from the cord, it only took a few minutes, but apparently I had fabulous blood flow even after all our placenta problems second trimester. She could have filled two containers if she had them! The placenta was delivered next, then I was stitched (and stitched and stitched). I had a second degree tear along the scar line from my son's birth--he got stuck too and I had a pretty bad tear then. I was up walking around probably about two hours after the birth. The baby, IPs and I spent all that time together in the labor/delivery room. I am so glad I had that time to watch them snuggle their daughter and think about all that had just happened. We were all shocked when the nurse read out the baby's weight although you could tell she was a good size. I honestly felt like a rock star for carrying her and getting her out so quickly.
I left the hospital after 24 hours and it was almost surreal to think of all that had happened in such a short period of time. The nurses kept coming in asking how I was feeling about everything now that I had given birth and I felt so much better. I always had a good feeling and knew that this baby girl was so loved and would be given everything she ever needed...but seeing those first moments with her and her parents, made any every ache, every day of stress, completely worth it.
The IPs brought the baby in to visit that first night in the hospital and came to hang out with me the next morning while the baby got checked out. I have gotten texts and pictures every day, which was more than I expected. We do plan to stay in touch but I remember those first few days after birth being a total blur--but I guess part of that is trying to recover, learning to breastfeed (which they don't have to worry about), and getting to know the baby. I do find myself more interested in the baby than I thought I would be...not in a "I want her" kind of way, but definitely in that "my best friend had a baby and I want to hear all the details" kind of way. I also have two friends that are pregnant and due in the next couple of months, so babies are everywhere in my world.
I feel so much love all around me. My own group of family and friends have been so vocal with their support and the IPs have been amazing. I spent so much of this pregnancy feeling like surrogacy wasn't really this huge deal that everyone seems to think it is--I am simply a mom that was willing to help someone else realize the same dream. But somehow in the labor, delivery, and meeting that new baby, it occurred to me how huge this process really is. I may never again do something so life changing. How many things can you do in your life that would have the same impact? I am just a regular person but I did something extraordinary. We are all different than other people in some way and giving this gift truly is so much bigger than I let myself think about while pregnant. I definitely understand how some surrogates can do this over and over, but can also see how one time would be enough. I am still trying to decide if I will pursue another journey. I know I want to wait at least a year so I can enjoy every holiday and celebration with my family as well as get stronger physically. My kids are so happy to have me back and have enjoyed meeting the baby and seeing all the photos that the IM has texted me. There was never a thought in their minds that we would have the baby, so I haven't had any questions or concerns brought up by them.
**As a side note, my IPs are medical professionals so I was fine with them literally watching and being a part of the birth. Not sure if I would have wanted just anyone being that involved but I had no fear of them fainting or being anything less than professional.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
7 Years Ago
April is always an emotional month for me as that is the month that Alex was born. I spend two weeks before his big day thinking of the last two weeks of my pregnancy and how much I had no clue how much my life would change. I count the first day of knowing my little man was coming as the official "Day 1 of Motherhood", but his birth was first day I had to share him with everyone else. And what a day it was...
I was like so many first-time moms. I wanted to let my baby come when he was ready and get through the labor and delivery drug-free and blissful. I was going to be one with my body and go with the ebb and flow with the contractions until the baby slipped into this world. He would be placed on my belly, daddy would cut the cord and then we would be a family. But sadly for this first time mom, that was not the scene in 2004.
Labor was to be induced as I was 40 weeks pregnant and getting pretty miserable. I had agreed to the procedure still wanting to go as natural as possible. Upon arriving at the hospital on his official due date, I was 3cm dilated and contracting every 2-3 minutes. The contractions had not been noticeable by me, but appeared on the machine. I took this as a very good sign of our day to come. Rather than start with drugs that could push the contractions over the edge, I asked for my water to be broken. I still had hopes of a natural birth and wasn't sure I could handle drug induced contractions. The water was broken and we were told to walk the halls. The contraction were coming slowly and were noticeable but not really doing much to dilate my cervix. We walked some more and then I spent lots of time on the big bouncy ball while talking with all the friends and family that had come to welcome our baby.
The day wore on and by late afternoon I had been restricted to bed and my hips were killing me. I decided after almost 8 hours of pitocin that I needed the epidural. The epidural only took partially and the hip pain was still excruciating while stuck in a bed. I just needed to move and I couldn't. After two more doses of medication through the epidural I was pain free and completely numb. Eventually it was time to push and push we did!! Alex was still very high and after some heart decelerations, the doctor had me take a break and sit up tall hoping that gravity would help bring our little man down. We had another round of pushing before the doctor realized that Alex was face up with his hand held tight to his chest. He was being stressed by the pitocin induced contractions and somewhat stuck on my pelvic bone because of his presentation. His heart rate continued to drop with the contractions and the doc said we had to get him out in the next few pushes or we were headed to the OR for a c-section. My worse fear was moments away...
So I pushed. And he was born. I got a single moment of locking eyes with my beautiful, big boy before he was gone. All at once, he had come out and before he could be suctioned, he had taken a big breath...but he was covered in meconium that hadn't been there 14 hours earlier when my water was broken. The doctor was completely stunned and all at once there were people everywhere. Nurses took him to the warmer and his Apgar score wasn't good. Another moment later and the room was quiet with only my doctor trying to finish the delivery and get me put back together. In those moments I remember someone yelling out 8lbs 13oz and I couldn't believe he was that big.
Dave was able to go see him in the NICU and so were my parents. I am not sure who else was allowed to see my boy. I was still completely numb hours later and had to sit and wait. Alex couldn't keep his breathing regulated and had "space helmet" on. I also learned he had broken his collarbone during delivery because his shoulders had been stuck and that breaking that bone helped him to actually come out. Once I finally saw him, I couldn't hold him. He would get overly excited and stop breathing or not be able to regulate his temperature. The birth had broken him. I felt love for my son but nothing else. The entire situation was so surreal to me.
Dave and I left the hospital two days later without Alex. He was on antibiotics for the meconium aspiration even though the tests were inconclusive as to whether he had pneumonia or not. He had trouble feeding and breathing at the same time. We had tried to nurse but that only stressing him out. He was getting formula in a NICU instead of rooming-in nursing on demand. My whole outlook on birth had been shattered. I really don't remember those four days that he spent in the NICU. The forth night of his life I was given a room at the hospital and we were allowed to have our rooming-in time while he could still be monitored by the nurses. I tried to nurse but he wasn't latching and I didn't want to cause trouble. We used bottles and I cried. He was so beautiful that I couldn't take my eyes off of him.
I felt like a failure as a mother already. I had tried to make decisions based on a birth experience I wanted and blamed myself. If I hadn't asked to have my water broken, he wouldn't have been subjected to the intense pitocin contractions. If he hadn't been under so much duress because of no water, he might not have passed that first bowel movement and might not have had trouble breathing when he was born. Those emotional first days of parenthood are not the ones you want to spend second-guessing every move you have made.
So every year as I look at my growing son I am left thinking about those first days when I left the hospital feeling like maybe my pregnancy had been a cruel joke and I was never going to be a mother after all. There are lots of happy emotions that come with his birthday too, as I think of how far we have come as a family and what an amazing kid he has turned out to be but I guess this year, being pregnant, too many of the sad and scary details are rearing their head. I am faced with another mid-April birth of another big baby and my worse fear is having this child, this much waited for and longed for child, go through anything silimiar at birth. I spent three hours awake last night telling myself that this would be different, Eleanor's birth was completely different. This baby has dropped and is low, but I am not really dilated any more so I worry that she is hung up on my pelvis already.
I worry that because she is bigger than Eleanor was and Eleanor was bigger than Alex (an ounce lighter at birth, but induced a week early) that we are setting ourselves up for problems. We have an induction set for 4/21, two days early. If Eleanor had gone to 40 weeks, she would probably have been close to 9.5lbs. This baby at term could be close to 10lbs. Very scary stuff. We do have an ultrasound set for Tuesday to double check size. I will be 38w3d at that point and I am hopeful that my body will have started dilating more and maybe go into labor as she reaches that almost 9lb mark. So much excitement and so much worry. As a surrogate, I have this vision of a perfect birth for this set of parents. I know it is possible as I had those perfect moments with Eleanor when she was born and everything went smoothly. I want that as the last gift I can give them with this crazy pregnancy. They deserve the baby going right to Mom and Dad cutting the cord...everyone does.
PS. So I finish my blog post and decide to go around to a few others that I LOVE to read and realize what a pitty party I just threw for myself. Luckily no one else was really here to join me (unless you count Eleanor watching Fresh Beat Band, but she didn't really care what I was doing other than to be amazed by all the letters I put on the screen). I feel like a fool a little bit for all my rambling but I think somehow when I say I am getting stressed about the birth, it helps when people have a little background. So now there is too much background and while it does seem whiny, I am currently a bit on the whiny and emotinal side so I will let it slide. I guess I should have just ended with, I am so glad we all lived "happily ever after" because we are so very lucky in our bad birth experience, so very lucky with only four days in the NICU and our super heathy, so loving, crazy brilliant almost 7-year old son to show for it.
I was like so many first-time moms. I wanted to let my baby come when he was ready and get through the labor and delivery drug-free and blissful. I was going to be one with my body and go with the ebb and flow with the contractions until the baby slipped into this world. He would be placed on my belly, daddy would cut the cord and then we would be a family. But sadly for this first time mom, that was not the scene in 2004.
Labor was to be induced as I was 40 weeks pregnant and getting pretty miserable. I had agreed to the procedure still wanting to go as natural as possible. Upon arriving at the hospital on his official due date, I was 3cm dilated and contracting every 2-3 minutes. The contractions had not been noticeable by me, but appeared on the machine. I took this as a very good sign of our day to come. Rather than start with drugs that could push the contractions over the edge, I asked for my water to be broken. I still had hopes of a natural birth and wasn't sure I could handle drug induced contractions. The water was broken and we were told to walk the halls. The contraction were coming slowly and were noticeable but not really doing much to dilate my cervix. We walked some more and then I spent lots of time on the big bouncy ball while talking with all the friends and family that had come to welcome our baby.
The day wore on and by late afternoon I had been restricted to bed and my hips were killing me. I decided after almost 8 hours of pitocin that I needed the epidural. The epidural only took partially and the hip pain was still excruciating while stuck in a bed. I just needed to move and I couldn't. After two more doses of medication through the epidural I was pain free and completely numb. Eventually it was time to push and push we did!! Alex was still very high and after some heart decelerations, the doctor had me take a break and sit up tall hoping that gravity would help bring our little man down. We had another round of pushing before the doctor realized that Alex was face up with his hand held tight to his chest. He was being stressed by the pitocin induced contractions and somewhat stuck on my pelvic bone because of his presentation. His heart rate continued to drop with the contractions and the doc said we had to get him out in the next few pushes or we were headed to the OR for a c-section. My worse fear was moments away...
So I pushed. And he was born. I got a single moment of locking eyes with my beautiful, big boy before he was gone. All at once, he had come out and before he could be suctioned, he had taken a big breath...but he was covered in meconium that hadn't been there 14 hours earlier when my water was broken. The doctor was completely stunned and all at once there were people everywhere. Nurses took him to the warmer and his Apgar score wasn't good. Another moment later and the room was quiet with only my doctor trying to finish the delivery and get me put back together. In those moments I remember someone yelling out 8lbs 13oz and I couldn't believe he was that big.
Dave was able to go see him in the NICU and so were my parents. I am not sure who else was allowed to see my boy. I was still completely numb hours later and had to sit and wait. Alex couldn't keep his breathing regulated and had "space helmet" on. I also learned he had broken his collarbone during delivery because his shoulders had been stuck and that breaking that bone helped him to actually come out. Once I finally saw him, I couldn't hold him. He would get overly excited and stop breathing or not be able to regulate his temperature. The birth had broken him. I felt love for my son but nothing else. The entire situation was so surreal to me.
Dave and I left the hospital two days later without Alex. He was on antibiotics for the meconium aspiration even though the tests were inconclusive as to whether he had pneumonia or not. He had trouble feeding and breathing at the same time. We had tried to nurse but that only stressing him out. He was getting formula in a NICU instead of rooming-in nursing on demand. My whole outlook on birth had been shattered. I really don't remember those four days that he spent in the NICU. The forth night of his life I was given a room at the hospital and we were allowed to have our rooming-in time while he could still be monitored by the nurses. I tried to nurse but he wasn't latching and I didn't want to cause trouble. We used bottles and I cried. He was so beautiful that I couldn't take my eyes off of him.
I felt like a failure as a mother already. I had tried to make decisions based on a birth experience I wanted and blamed myself. If I hadn't asked to have my water broken, he wouldn't have been subjected to the intense pitocin contractions. If he hadn't been under so much duress because of no water, he might not have passed that first bowel movement and might not have had trouble breathing when he was born. Those emotional first days of parenthood are not the ones you want to spend second-guessing every move you have made.
So every year as I look at my growing son I am left thinking about those first days when I left the hospital feeling like maybe my pregnancy had been a cruel joke and I was never going to be a mother after all. There are lots of happy emotions that come with his birthday too, as I think of how far we have come as a family and what an amazing kid he has turned out to be but I guess this year, being pregnant, too many of the sad and scary details are rearing their head. I am faced with another mid-April birth of another big baby and my worse fear is having this child, this much waited for and longed for child, go through anything silimiar at birth. I spent three hours awake last night telling myself that this would be different, Eleanor's birth was completely different. This baby has dropped and is low, but I am not really dilated any more so I worry that she is hung up on my pelvis already.
I worry that because she is bigger than Eleanor was and Eleanor was bigger than Alex (an ounce lighter at birth, but induced a week early) that we are setting ourselves up for problems. We have an induction set for 4/21, two days early. If Eleanor had gone to 40 weeks, she would probably have been close to 9.5lbs. This baby at term could be close to 10lbs. Very scary stuff. We do have an ultrasound set for Tuesday to double check size. I will be 38w3d at that point and I am hopeful that my body will have started dilating more and maybe go into labor as she reaches that almost 9lb mark. So much excitement and so much worry. As a surrogate, I have this vision of a perfect birth for this set of parents. I know it is possible as I had those perfect moments with Eleanor when she was born and everything went smoothly. I want that as the last gift I can give them with this crazy pregnancy. They deserve the baby going right to Mom and Dad cutting the cord...everyone does.
PS. So I finish my blog post and decide to go around to a few others that I LOVE to read and realize what a pitty party I just threw for myself. Luckily no one else was really here to join me (unless you count Eleanor watching Fresh Beat Band, but she didn't really care what I was doing other than to be amazed by all the letters I put on the screen). I feel like a fool a little bit for all my rambling but I think somehow when I say I am getting stressed about the birth, it helps when people have a little background. So now there is too much background and while it does seem whiny, I am currently a bit on the whiny and emotinal side so I will let it slide. I guess I should have just ended with, I am so glad we all lived "happily ever after" because we are so very lucky in our bad birth experience, so very lucky with only four days in the NICU and our super heathy, so loving, crazy brilliant almost 7-year old son to show for it.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Almost 36 weeks!!
Yesterday was the beginning of the "real" doctor visits...where you find out what is going on with your body when you seem to be clueless like me. :-) We knew baby girl was getting bigger and the ultrasound confirmed she is still on the same growth curve--7lbs2oz is the current estimate which is completely in line with gaining half a pound a week since 29 weeks. Its really nice to know that even though my super-uterus gave us some problems in the beginning it still rocked out a nice, big healthy baby. Baby was doing very well on the non-stress test (NST) as well...she did want to sleep but I don't blame her (they did the ultrasound first and she had to fight the tech who was pushing on my belly). We did learn that baby girl doesn't like toothbrushes, electric to be exact, and even talking about them gets her in a tizzy. The only times she moved for the test, her parents and I were discussing how she wakes up every time I go to brush me teeth.
The NST also showed I was contracting every four minutes. Nice little hills visible on the paper to correspond with the firmness that I was feeling in my belly. It didn't ever hurt but I definitely knew they were happening. They had been happening for a few days, more often later at night as I was trying to get comfortable. I guess if I am not in pain, the doctors feel like they aren't really doing anything. And being 1cm and 50% effaced doesn't really mean much after two pregnancies, so I guess we just have to wait until next week to see if anything is progressing. Dr. G did want us to come back and see her next week, so we were happy to change our appointment from Monday to Wednesday to get her personal attention.
The baby has also dropped. This is completely new to me. I think Alex slowly descended over a few weeks before he was born as my legs got really sore but nothing like this. My hips hurt, my right calf hurts and my feet are swollen. My belly is measuring a lot smaller than last week so the doctor knew for sure that she was low in my pelvis and assured me everything I am feeling is typical after the baby drops. I know with first time moms, a baby can drop ages before you go into labor, but I have always heard that when you have had a baby before, you don't really drop until labor. Did my body forget that it has done this before? Am I going to be blessed with a labor that doesn't destroy my hips because they are going to spread slowly over the next few weeks? So many unknowns and for some reason I am still so excited.
The culmination of this journey is the birth and I have been looking forward to that for a while. Maybe part of it is selfish--I did make it to 8cm with Eleanor before my epidural and without that hip pain I probably could have endured the additional hour it took before she was born. I think I want to be able to get a gold star for having a baby with no epidural, sort of a personal goal (I am not crazy though and will have no problem asking for meds if things are just too much--I don't want to traumatize the parents or myself if the pain is overwhelming).
And of course, the big part, the moment a new family is made. I have spoken of it so often now but it still makes my eyes fill with tears. Two people have loved each other for so long and done so much with their lives, but having a child has been the one thing they couldn't do alone. I am so grateful that I can help someone have what I consider to be the greatest thing in the world...a child.
The NST also showed I was contracting every four minutes. Nice little hills visible on the paper to correspond with the firmness that I was feeling in my belly. It didn't ever hurt but I definitely knew they were happening. They had been happening for a few days, more often later at night as I was trying to get comfortable. I guess if I am not in pain, the doctors feel like they aren't really doing anything. And being 1cm and 50% effaced doesn't really mean much after two pregnancies, so I guess we just have to wait until next week to see if anything is progressing. Dr. G did want us to come back and see her next week, so we were happy to change our appointment from Monday to Wednesday to get her personal attention.
The baby has also dropped. This is completely new to me. I think Alex slowly descended over a few weeks before he was born as my legs got really sore but nothing like this. My hips hurt, my right calf hurts and my feet are swollen. My belly is measuring a lot smaller than last week so the doctor knew for sure that she was low in my pelvis and assured me everything I am feeling is typical after the baby drops. I know with first time moms, a baby can drop ages before you go into labor, but I have always heard that when you have had a baby before, you don't really drop until labor. Did my body forget that it has done this before? Am I going to be blessed with a labor that doesn't destroy my hips because they are going to spread slowly over the next few weeks? So many unknowns and for some reason I am still so excited.
The culmination of this journey is the birth and I have been looking forward to that for a while. Maybe part of it is selfish--I did make it to 8cm with Eleanor before my epidural and without that hip pain I probably could have endured the additional hour it took before she was born. I think I want to be able to get a gold star for having a baby with no epidural, sort of a personal goal (I am not crazy though and will have no problem asking for meds if things are just too much--I don't want to traumatize the parents or myself if the pain is overwhelming).
And of course, the big part, the moment a new family is made. I have spoken of it so often now but it still makes my eyes fill with tears. Two people have loved each other for so long and done so much with their lives, but having a child has been the one thing they couldn't do alone. I am so grateful that I can help someone have what I consider to be the greatest thing in the world...a child.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sugar!!
I don't know if I have mentioned it yet but Easter Candy is my all time favorite. I have a complete weakness when it comes to all things Cadbury this time of year. My favorite is the original Cadbury Cream Egg followed by the Orange Cream Egg. And I have definitely found that people are a either a "lover" or "hater" when it comes to this confection. For a very pregnant lady whose taste buds are ablaze with everything I eat, they completely hit the spot. I eat them after I eat dinner to settle everything...they don't give me heartburn when almost everything does these days (ice cream has the same effect, so I do have something to trade out with them on occasion). I can eat one when I am not really hungry or completely famished and they are fabulous each and every time.
I have always loved candy and sweets...earlier this pregnancy I was a salty girl and that sort of threw me for a loop. I still have a bag of Doritos in the pantry for the cheese craving that hits--crunchy cheese, not good for you dairy (although that does happen too). Have I mentioned that in general I really do like to eat? Pregnancy has always been a time of rejoicing because I have always eaten well and loved every morsel. The first half of this surrogate pregnancy found me without an appetite. I would really want to want something and it just didn't happen. I would eat and it was so unfulfilling.
By week 25 or so, I was back to my happily eating pregnant self when I was told I would have to take my gestational diabetes test. This didn't worry me in the least since I had always been more of the type to get a little weak if I went too long without eating, so I was pretty confident in my ability to burn through some sugar without problem. But I failed the first test. I got the call and was so upset. Easter candy was already appearing in the stores and there was a chance that I would have to sacrifice this amazing selection. Of course, I would do it because my health and the health of the baby is way too important, but my freezer would totally be stocked for the time when my blood sugar returned to normal after the birth. Luckily that few days of stress followed by the three hour (horrible, horrible, horrible) glucose test confirmed that my sugar was really low and I was no where near diabetic. Note to anyone reading, don't drink chocolate milk at midnight the night before your one hour test. I am not saying it had anything to do with the first fail, but you never know. ;-)
So now my house is stocked with at least 8 Cadbury Cream eggs (combo of regular and the orange cream), a bag of jellybeans, a bag of candy coated chocolate eggs, a bag of peppermint patties (in Easter colored wrappers!) and some mini chocolate bunnies. Yep I think that does it. And because all good sugar snacks do tend to result in a small salty craving, the Doritos are also sharing the pantry with some Flavor Blasted White Cheddar Goldfish. But no one tell my husband or the kids okay??
PS. How is it that Cadbury is not in spellcheck??!! Seriously?
I have always loved candy and sweets...earlier this pregnancy I was a salty girl and that sort of threw me for a loop. I still have a bag of Doritos in the pantry for the cheese craving that hits--crunchy cheese, not good for you dairy (although that does happen too). Have I mentioned that in general I really do like to eat? Pregnancy has always been a time of rejoicing because I have always eaten well and loved every morsel. The first half of this surrogate pregnancy found me without an appetite. I would really want to want something and it just didn't happen. I would eat and it was so unfulfilling.
By week 25 or so, I was back to my happily eating pregnant self when I was told I would have to take my gestational diabetes test. This didn't worry me in the least since I had always been more of the type to get a little weak if I went too long without eating, so I was pretty confident in my ability to burn through some sugar without problem. But I failed the first test. I got the call and was so upset. Easter candy was already appearing in the stores and there was a chance that I would have to sacrifice this amazing selection. Of course, I would do it because my health and the health of the baby is way too important, but my freezer would totally be stocked for the time when my blood sugar returned to normal after the birth. Luckily that few days of stress followed by the three hour (horrible, horrible, horrible) glucose test confirmed that my sugar was really low and I was no where near diabetic. Note to anyone reading, don't drink chocolate milk at midnight the night before your one hour test. I am not saying it had anything to do with the first fail, but you never know. ;-)
So now my house is stocked with at least 8 Cadbury Cream eggs (combo of regular and the orange cream), a bag of jellybeans, a bag of candy coated chocolate eggs, a bag of peppermint patties (in Easter colored wrappers!) and some mini chocolate bunnies. Yep I think that does it. And because all good sugar snacks do tend to result in a small salty craving, the Doritos are also sharing the pantry with some Flavor Blasted White Cheddar Goldfish. But no one tell my husband or the kids okay??
PS. How is it that Cadbury is not in spellcheck??!! Seriously?
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