Some days...

are harder than others. You look around and see so many people with newborns or getting ready for a new baby and you have to stop and think...should I have another? Should I focus on helping those that can't when I have such an amazing family? Or should I add to this awesome group with one more amazing soul? It has been 12 weeks and 1 day since I gave birth.  That whole concept seems strange to me.  I read blogs about a baby that might come home this week, after months in the NICU. I have a friend recovering from a hysterectomy that is done with her family, yet still battled with this whole idea up until her day of surgery. I sit here with an empty belly wondering..."what is next?"  And I just don't know. I don't know what this life holds for me next.  My kids are so big...my baby starts kindergarten in a few weeks.  My family is done and complete, but my heart still aches. Is it to help someone else or just to take a few moments to grieve that my children are growing up? 

Emotions are still raw at this point.  I feel "normal" but not sure some days exactly what that means.  I feel strong and secure in my desire to help someone else have that family that they have longed for.  I feel badly that it all came to me so easily when so many people work so hard for a it. Really, why is it so hard? Why do some people struggle. Life is not fair when you want a baby and it doesn't happen.  Am I selfish to sometimes struggle with wanting a third child when my two healthy children are the light of my life? Should I put this energy into making my body strong so I can help someone else have what I treasure the most? Why are some days so hard?  Why are some days filled with uncertainty when other days everything seems so clear?

I guess for now, I will spend time with all the babies in my life and treasure my "big kids" and the independence they have. I know for certain that surrogacy has allowed me a very unique opportunity to appreciate my family and all that I have and for right now, in this moment, that is all I need to feel right with the world.

And thinking...

So the last few weeks have been crazy.  Nothing like the end of school to really push your limits.  Plus I started working out and spent a good deal of time at the gym.  I helped out at school on day and worked in a great preschool playdate for Miss E before big brother was out.  We are pretty low key most of the time, so gearing up for summer and getting busy really wears us out.  I was more relaxed with bedtimes too, since Alex didn't have homework last week...so we were off schedule quite a bit too.

Feeling the burn of muscles being used after so long of inactivity, is a really good feeling.  I have never been athletic except for a year of JV Cheerleading Sophomore year and running a little in middle school.  Through high school and college, I worked a lot and spent whole shifts on my feet and I guess that helped keep me thin all those years.  Everyone knows that once you have kids, you never sit still and that has helped a good bit too.  But now, well, the feeling of the muscles getting warm and tight has almost gotten addictive.  This week, I am trying out some of the classes, but have a full on training session tomorrow.  Yesterday I had all my measurements taken and it was humbling. I am glad I don't have prebaby numbers for comparison.

So lately I have been doing lots of thinking.  Weighing pro's and con's of going down the surrogacy path again.  I am hoping that this personal fitness journey will lead me to the best physical condition I can be in and at that point, another surrogacy.  There is just something so life altering and amazing to see someone with a family...especially when they have waited so long.  I don't want to put undue strain on my body, so I will get it where it needs to be.  I want to do this again and the pull to my heart is just too strong.  So I will exercise and eat right.  I will enjoy my body while it is mine and when the time comes, I know the right couple will come along. 

With the first journey, I didn't do a lot of looking around.  I met an amazing couple and we clicked.  The fact that they are local was interesting. At one point, I had been thinking that a couple that was somewhat far away would be better, easier, after delivery.  But watching that mom go to the appointments, seeing the doctor talk to her as a first time mom, that was awesome.  She got to be a major part of the pregnancy and I would love to have the same situation moving forward.  Some of the newness of surrogacy has worn off, but I can say I am more prepared and know exactly what I need to do to get the best situation for everyone.  I don't have plans to get pregnant until 2012 as I need time. Time for my family, time for friends, time to get strong and time to think about the last time I will be pregnant.

Until then, it is summer and we are already enjoying it.  We have done arts and crafts (thanks http://disney.go.com/disneyjunior for your great games and ridiculously complicated print and cut activities), played outside and even hit the pool with friends.  I am so glad to have my kids home and get out of schedule a little bit.  We work so hard during the school year and with only six weeks off, well, we have earned the right to do whatever we want.  August 4th will be here before I know it and I have 5.5weeks to get myself ready to have two kids in elementary school.