Its been a week since coming home from the hospital. A week back in reality with the surrogacy behind me and my own life moving forward. It is a very strange situation to be in…glad to have my own children around me, to play and feel free again, but different too. I have seen another side of things, I have been in the midst of an experience that so many people go through first hand but I got to go through from the sidelines. I feel thankful that I got to spend the last week resting and enjoying the spring break with everyone home. The idea of recovering at home with small children and a newborn just seems completely daunting and overwhelming and I am glad that was not the situation. I do not feel any sense of loss at all. I do not feel like I gave away any part of me or that I did anything wrong. I feel free and sometimes that can be huge too. I can do anything I want today because I don’t have to worry about J&M’s baby girl. I have a huge weight off my shoulders and that is what I am struggling with…I do well feeling weighted and grounded, having a purpose.
My purpose now just shifts, I guess. The people that need me most are the ones in my house, in front of me. The people that need me most are my friends and family that have stood by through the last year and offered so much love and support. I need to repay that kindness somehow and hopefully I can figure out a way to let everyone know how much it meant to have each of them in my life. Through my blog, maybe everyone will get an idea of how I could not have done this on my own and should I ever go down this path again, that I will need them just as much. I realized how many wonderful people I do have in my life and how lucky I am.
Physically I am doing well. I can still over do it and notice soreness and heaviness in parts that should just be unnoticed. I think my insides are trying to stretch back out to their normal locations after being mashed up for so long. It took about four days for all my swelling to go down and be able to wear all my shoes and rings. It also took about four days for my milk to come in, so that has been a journey in itself. Apparently years ago there was a drug they could give you but after learning of many ill-effects from it, they no longer offer it. I am still working through the milk thing, but luckily the pain of it all is subsiding now. I have 16 pounds out of 41 left to lose. I feel almost normal. I was wearing my “big” capri’s yesterday and I count that as a win! My belly has a long way to go before summer, but I feel like it is possible to get back to my old body to go with my old life—except that “old” is a word that doesn’t describe where I feel like both my body and my life are headed. I guess my new body will go with my new life as I take charge of what is around me and move it forward so that it doesn’t just pass me by.
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