7 Years Ago

April is always an emotional month for me as that is the month that Alex was born.  I spend two weeks before his big day thinking of the last two weeks of my pregnancy and how much I had no clue how much my life would change. I count the first day of knowing my little man was coming as the official "Day 1 of Motherhood", but his birth was first day I had to share him with everyone else.  And what a day it was...

I was like so many first-time moms.  I wanted to let my baby come when he was ready and get through the labor and delivery drug-free and blissful.  I was going to be one with my body and go with the ebb and flow with the contractions until the baby slipped into this world.  He would be placed on my belly, daddy would cut the cord and then we would be a family.  But sadly for this first time mom, that was not the scene in 2004.

Labor was to be induced as I was 40 weeks pregnant and getting pretty miserable.  I had agreed to the procedure still wanting to go as natural as possible.  Upon arriving at the hospital on his official due date, I was 3cm dilated and contracting every 2-3 minutes.  The contractions had not been noticeable by me, but appeared on the machine. I took this as a very good sign of our day to come.  Rather than start with drugs that could push the contractions over the edge, I asked for my water to be broken.  I still had hopes of a natural birth and wasn't sure I could handle drug induced contractions.  The water was broken and we were told to walk the halls.  The contraction were coming slowly and were noticeable but not really doing much to dilate my cervix. We walked some more and then I spent lots of time on the big bouncy ball while talking with all the friends and family that had come to welcome our baby. 

The day wore on and by late afternoon I had been restricted to bed and my hips were killing me.  I decided after almost 8 hours of pitocin that I needed the epidural.   The epidural only took partially and the hip pain was still excruciating while stuck in a bed. I just needed to move and I couldn't.  After two more doses of medication through the epidural I was pain free and completely numb.  Eventually it was time to push and push we did!! Alex was still very high and after some heart decelerations, the doctor had me take a break and sit up tall hoping that gravity would help bring our little man down.  We had another round of pushing before the doctor realized that Alex was face up with his hand held tight to his chest.  He was being stressed by the pitocin induced contractions and somewhat stuck on my pelvic bone because of his presentation. His heart rate continued to drop with the contractions and the doc said we had to get him out in the next few pushes or we were headed to the OR for a c-section.  My worse fear was moments away...

So I pushed.  And he was born.  I got a single moment of locking eyes with my beautiful, big boy before he was gone.  All at once, he had come out and before he could be suctioned, he had taken a big breath...but he was covered in meconium that hadn't been there 14 hours earlier when my water was broken.  The doctor was completely stunned and all at once there were people everywhere.  Nurses took him to the warmer and his Apgar score wasn't good.  Another moment later and the room was quiet with only my doctor trying to finish the delivery and get me put back together.  In those moments I remember someone yelling out 8lbs 13oz and I couldn't believe he was that big.

Dave was able to go see him in the NICU and so were my parents. I am not sure who else was allowed to see my boy. I was still completely numb hours later and had to sit and wait.  Alex couldn't keep his breathing regulated and had "space helmet" on. I also learned he had broken his collarbone during delivery because his shoulders had been stuck and that breaking that bone helped him to actually come out.  Once I finally saw him, I couldn't hold him.  He would get overly excited and stop breathing or not be able to regulate his temperature.  The birth had broken him.  I felt love for my son but nothing else.  The entire situation was so surreal to me. 

Dave and I left the hospital two days later without Alex.  He was on antibiotics for the meconium aspiration even though the tests were inconclusive as to whether he had pneumonia or not.  He had trouble feeding and breathing at the same time.  We had tried to nurse but that only stressing him out.  He was getting formula in a NICU instead of rooming-in nursing on demand.  My whole outlook on birth had been shattered.  I really don't remember those four days that he spent in the NICU.  The forth night of his life I was given a room at the hospital and we were allowed to have our rooming-in time while he could still be monitored by the nurses.  I tried to nurse but he wasn't latching and I didn't want to cause trouble.  We used bottles and I cried.  He was so beautiful that I couldn't take my eyes off of him.

I felt like a failure as a mother already.  I had tried to make decisions based on a birth experience I wanted and blamed myself.  If I hadn't asked to have my water broken, he wouldn't have been subjected to the intense pitocin contractions.  If he hadn't been under so much duress because of no water, he might not have passed that first bowel movement and might not have had trouble breathing when he was born.  Those emotional first days of parenthood are not the ones you want to spend second-guessing every move you have made. 

So every year as I look at my growing son I am left thinking about those first days when I left the hospital feeling like maybe my pregnancy had been a cruel joke and I was never going to be a mother after all.  There are lots of happy emotions that come with his birthday too, as I think of how far we have come as a family and what an amazing kid he has turned out to be but I guess this year, being pregnant, too many of the sad and scary details are rearing their head.  I am faced with another mid-April birth of another big baby and my worse fear is having this child, this much waited for and longed for child, go through anything silimiar at birth.  I spent three hours awake last night telling myself that this would be different, Eleanor's birth was completely different.  This baby has dropped and is low, but I am not really dilated any more so I worry that she is hung up on my pelvis already. 

I worry that because she is bigger than Eleanor was and Eleanor was bigger than Alex (an ounce lighter at birth, but induced a week early) that we are setting ourselves up for problems.  We have an induction set for 4/21, two days early.   If Eleanor had gone to 40 weeks, she would probably have been close to 9.5lbs.  This baby at term could be close to 10lbs.  Very scary stuff. We do have an ultrasound set for Tuesday to double check size.  I will be 38w3d at that point and I am hopeful that my body will have started dilating more and maybe go into labor as she reaches that almost 9lb mark.  So much excitement and so much worry.  As a surrogate, I have this vision of a perfect birth for this set of parents.  I know it is possible as I had those perfect moments with Eleanor when she was born and everything went smoothly.  I want that as the last gift I can give them with this crazy pregnancy. They deserve the baby going right to Mom and Dad cutting the cord...everyone does.

PS.  So I finish my blog post and decide to go around to a few others that I LOVE to read and realize what a pitty party I just threw for myself.  Luckily no one else was really here to join me (unless you count Eleanor watching Fresh Beat Band, but she didn't really care what I was doing other than to be amazed by all the letters I put on the screen).  I feel like a fool a little bit for all my rambling but I think somehow when I say I am getting stressed about the birth, it helps when people have a little background.  So now there is too much background and while it does seem whiny, I am currently a bit on the whiny and emotinal side so I will let it slide. I guess I should have just ended with, I am so glad we all lived "happily ever after" because we are so very lucky in our bad birth experience, so very lucky with only four days in the NICU and our super heathy, so loving, crazy brilliant almost 7-year old son to show for it.