Patience

I have never been one for much patience. I have always been ready for the "what's next" in life, sometimes forgetting to live in the moment because I am so focused on what is to come.  I spent a lot of my high school and college years just waiting to be on my own and to be an adult. I met the man of my dreams and then couldn't wait to marry him...then after getting married, I couldn't wait to be a mom.  My life truly has been a whirlwind and sometimes everyone needs a reminder that not everything can be rushed along.  I am going through those moments now as I wait for this surro-pregnancy to come to an end.  Wanting it to be over yet clinging to the surrogacy and the dear friendship I have with J, not ready for that to change.

As hard as this pregnancy has been, it truly has been an exercise in patience.  From the very beginning, we had to push back the IVF transfer when my uterine lining wasn't perfect enough...week after week of ultrasounds before we were finally given that special day.  The next longest period for me was the four days it took after the IVF before I got my first faint positive home pregnancy test.  Much of that was spent on bedrest so it really counts for at least double that amount of time. All along, I have been pushed through this process by faith.  Faith led me to even pursue surrogacy and then faith has propelled me along when I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to wait.  When we had a big bleeding scare around 13 weeks, my faith was shaken but I watched two people become parents when they turned to God and knew that whatever happened to their child was in His plan.  I have been in awe of them throughout this process.  We are continually being shown that pregnancy and childbirth truly is a miracle and that man is only a small part.  I have been reminded that without God, none of us would be here...with all that can and does go wrong in getting and staying pregnant, it is amazing that the human race even exists.

I should have more patience. My own babies never came early.  I never dropped or dilated or any of that fun pre-labor stuff. This baby girl has remained similar in size to my own and she has dropped. She has caused many contractions and back aches and swollen feet that are completely new to me during pregnancy. I feel at times like this is my first experience with a "real" pregnancy.  So I had really had it in my head that she would be early.  Two checks now and still hanging on at 1cm.. I endured three checks with Eleanor with the same news but she was still high in my pelvis the whole time. I don't even know that I am completely ready to be done being pregnant so I don't know why I am rushing it. Babies need to grow as long as possible and after all we went through in the second trimester I should realize how lucky I am not to have her early.

I have given myself lots of excuses. I am really good at making up excuses to propel my line of thought.  Currently Alexander's birthday is a week before the due date and the due date also falls on Easter weekend.  Two big things in our house...two things that I don't want to miss or not be able to participate in with my children.  But the bottom line is, my whole family knows the sacrifice we are making to help create another family.  My children and husband have been so supportive and understanding of every little bump we have encountered.  I think I am the only one that is making this difficult and therefore I have decided to just let it go.  I can throw together a birthday celebration or an egg hunt in no time and my kids won't suffer a bit.  This baby girl needs to grow until she is ready and that is the most important thing right now.  I just need to get it through my head that contractions don't necessarily mean labor and that I am not in charge of this process any more now than I was in the beginning. 

One of my goals after this surrogacy was to truly appreciate each day I had with my family.  I owe it them to start that goal now...and enjoy every day that is presented instead of wishing it away for tomorrow.  And of course, waiting to give birth until tomorrow means an April birthstone (diamond) and who wouldn't be willing to wait for that??!!