Strength

I haven't been feeling so strong lately...and mostly, I mean this in the physical way.  After the baby was born (and during which the pregnancy only allowed me six weeks of normal activity), my arms and legs were tired.  My core muscles were gone and I felt loose, wobbly almost.  Relying heavily on an abdominal support, I made my way through those first few weeks and started noticing that I felt tighter and stronger.  I could carry things again without feeling a strain of overuse.  Wednesday I had my post partum check up and was told what I pretty much knew already.  My core muscles were weak, my pelvic floor was really weak.  For anyone not familiar, your pelvic floor is pretty much the group of muscles that keeps your insides in. :-)  When you are pregnant, these muscles work by holding your growing uterus.  Sometimes no matter how many kegels you do, this muscle group is overextended.  I was told that I needed time, a good bit of time, to strengthen these muscles before I even consider getting pregnant again...

...I guess I should stop here to say that I as stressful as being a surrogate was at times, I really look back at the entire experience with a very positive feeling.  I would love to be able to help J&M again if they decide they want a sibling...and if they don't, well, I feel like there is someone else out there that I might be able to help.  I haven't decided whether or not I want to be a surrogate again and with the doctor telling me that another big baby could be really hard on my body, it throws my thought process a curve-ball.  She didn't say I couldn't carry, but said I would have to work hard to get all my muscles strong enough to endure. 

When a decision you wanted to make yourself, might be made for you by your body, it can be hard to process. (This must be just a glimpse of what people dealing with infertility feel when they are told they can't carry at all).  I wanted to come to the decision myself and since we know I have no patience, I sort of wanted to make the decision based on this doctor visit.  While I knew I needed to get stronger, physically, I wasn't quite prepared for the reality.  A whole range of emotions have flooded me the last few days--everything from relief to sadness.  And maybe taking time to make a decision, depending on how things continue to go physically,  will make me emotionally stronger as well.

***
Everyone at my house has been sick.  We are officially at the two week mark with the coughing and sneezing.  All of us have allergies to some degree, although everyone had been functioning very well with some otc medication. Somewhere we picked up an extra germ to add to the already goopy mess and Eleanor ended up with a sinus infection.  So far me and the hubby have fared the best, as we are still coughing but never ran a fever.  One of the hardest parts of being a mom is being sick yourself while trying to take care of the rest of the family.  Being strong on so many levels is just part of the job.

There have been plenty of distractions lately so that has helped.  Not only with everyone being sick, but a field trip thrown in Tuesday.  We are also waiting for a very dear friend to have her baby (come on baby!!). Its nice to focus on other things for a while, so I haven't really thought much about the blog or what may happen with a possible second surrogacy.  I can't be totally self absorbed all the time. :-)



Its twirly!



The new skirt!

 I also decided yesterday that instead of spending hours looking through all the amazing craft blogs online, I was going to get up and make something.  I have been playing with elastic thread this week, as well as ruffling/gathering techniques and it has been awesome.  I tried to make a smocked dress for myself with the elastic thread but it ended up being something closer to Eleanor's size.  She wasn't too crazy about it either so it might end up a play skirt. After all that sewing that didn't result in anything wearable, I wanted to make Eleanor something she would love.  She has a skirt that has seriously been worn to death--it is almost a joke at school because it is worn at least once a week.  I have been looking at tutorials for tiered skirts, ruffle skirts and circle skirts and sort of incorporated features of all three in one!! So now she also has a new twirly skirt that is three tiers with a ruffle on the bottom.  It was so much fun to make and took all of two hours.  I still have to hem the very bottom, but she HAD to wear it today so the hemming will have to wait.



As I had a ball today creating things for my family, I was reminded that if my body isn't strong enough to carry another child, at least I can do other things.  I can be a great wife, mother, and friend...I can share awesome home-making tips that I stumble upon...great sewing tutorials...and maybe, give someone else the strength to do something they have always wanted to do. For if the people closest to you don't give you strength, who will?





***A great tip I learned for gathers/ruffles...set your tension to the highest setting, turn up your stitch length and sew: the machine does it for you!!  You can make the gathers even more defined by holding onto the top thread slightly as you sew (which can be quite tricky if you want to keep sewing in a straight line).  It was so much faster than making the basting stitch and doing it all by hand.***





The "old" skirt in action.



And the little man!

 

7 Years Ago

April is always an emotional month for me as that is the month that Alex was born.  I spend two weeks before his big day thinking of the last two weeks of my pregnancy and how much I had no clue how much my life would change. I count the first day of knowing my little man was coming as the official "Day 1 of Motherhood", but his birth was first day I had to share him with everyone else.  And what a day it was...

I was like so many first-time moms.  I wanted to let my baby come when he was ready and get through the labor and delivery drug-free and blissful.  I was going to be one with my body and go with the ebb and flow with the contractions until the baby slipped into this world.  He would be placed on my belly, daddy would cut the cord and then we would be a family.  But sadly for this first time mom, that was not the scene in 2004.

Labor was to be induced as I was 40 weeks pregnant and getting pretty miserable.  I had agreed to the procedure still wanting to go as natural as possible.  Upon arriving at the hospital on his official due date, I was 3cm dilated and contracting every 2-3 minutes.  The contractions had not been noticeable by me, but appeared on the machine. I took this as a very good sign of our day to come.  Rather than start with drugs that could push the contractions over the edge, I asked for my water to be broken.  I still had hopes of a natural birth and wasn't sure I could handle drug induced contractions.  The water was broken and we were told to walk the halls.  The contraction were coming slowly and were noticeable but not really doing much to dilate my cervix. We walked some more and then I spent lots of time on the big bouncy ball while talking with all the friends and family that had come to welcome our baby. 

The day wore on and by late afternoon I had been restricted to bed and my hips were killing me.  I decided after almost 8 hours of pitocin that I needed the epidural.   The epidural only took partially and the hip pain was still excruciating while stuck in a bed. I just needed to move and I couldn't.  After two more doses of medication through the epidural I was pain free and completely numb.  Eventually it was time to push and push we did!! Alex was still very high and after some heart decelerations, the doctor had me take a break and sit up tall hoping that gravity would help bring our little man down.  We had another round of pushing before the doctor realized that Alex was face up with his hand held tight to his chest.  He was being stressed by the pitocin induced contractions and somewhat stuck on my pelvic bone because of his presentation. His heart rate continued to drop with the contractions and the doc said we had to get him out in the next few pushes or we were headed to the OR for a c-section.  My worse fear was moments away...

So I pushed.  And he was born.  I got a single moment of locking eyes with my beautiful, big boy before he was gone.  All at once, he had come out and before he could be suctioned, he had taken a big breath...but he was covered in meconium that hadn't been there 14 hours earlier when my water was broken.  The doctor was completely stunned and all at once there were people everywhere.  Nurses took him to the warmer and his Apgar score wasn't good.  Another moment later and the room was quiet with only my doctor trying to finish the delivery and get me put back together.  In those moments I remember someone yelling out 8lbs 13oz and I couldn't believe he was that big.

Dave was able to go see him in the NICU and so were my parents. I am not sure who else was allowed to see my boy. I was still completely numb hours later and had to sit and wait.  Alex couldn't keep his breathing regulated and had "space helmet" on. I also learned he had broken his collarbone during delivery because his shoulders had been stuck and that breaking that bone helped him to actually come out.  Once I finally saw him, I couldn't hold him.  He would get overly excited and stop breathing or not be able to regulate his temperature.  The birth had broken him.  I felt love for my son but nothing else.  The entire situation was so surreal to me. 

Dave and I left the hospital two days later without Alex.  He was on antibiotics for the meconium aspiration even though the tests were inconclusive as to whether he had pneumonia or not.  He had trouble feeding and breathing at the same time.  We had tried to nurse but that only stressing him out.  He was getting formula in a NICU instead of rooming-in nursing on demand.  My whole outlook on birth had been shattered.  I really don't remember those four days that he spent in the NICU.  The forth night of his life I was given a room at the hospital and we were allowed to have our rooming-in time while he could still be monitored by the nurses.  I tried to nurse but he wasn't latching and I didn't want to cause trouble.  We used bottles and I cried.  He was so beautiful that I couldn't take my eyes off of him.

I felt like a failure as a mother already.  I had tried to make decisions based on a birth experience I wanted and blamed myself.  If I hadn't asked to have my water broken, he wouldn't have been subjected to the intense pitocin contractions.  If he hadn't been under so much duress because of no water, he might not have passed that first bowel movement and might not have had trouble breathing when he was born.  Those emotional first days of parenthood are not the ones you want to spend second-guessing every move you have made. 

So every year as I look at my growing son I am left thinking about those first days when I left the hospital feeling like maybe my pregnancy had been a cruel joke and I was never going to be a mother after all.  There are lots of happy emotions that come with his birthday too, as I think of how far we have come as a family and what an amazing kid he has turned out to be but I guess this year, being pregnant, too many of the sad and scary details are rearing their head.  I am faced with another mid-April birth of another big baby and my worse fear is having this child, this much waited for and longed for child, go through anything silimiar at birth.  I spent three hours awake last night telling myself that this would be different, Eleanor's birth was completely different.  This baby has dropped and is low, but I am not really dilated any more so I worry that she is hung up on my pelvis already. 

I worry that because she is bigger than Eleanor was and Eleanor was bigger than Alex (an ounce lighter at birth, but induced a week early) that we are setting ourselves up for problems.  We have an induction set for 4/21, two days early.   If Eleanor had gone to 40 weeks, she would probably have been close to 9.5lbs.  This baby at term could be close to 10lbs.  Very scary stuff. We do have an ultrasound set for Tuesday to double check size.  I will be 38w3d at that point and I am hopeful that my body will have started dilating more and maybe go into labor as she reaches that almost 9lb mark.  So much excitement and so much worry.  As a surrogate, I have this vision of a perfect birth for this set of parents.  I know it is possible as I had those perfect moments with Eleanor when she was born and everything went smoothly.  I want that as the last gift I can give them with this crazy pregnancy. They deserve the baby going right to Mom and Dad cutting the cord...everyone does.

PS.  So I finish my blog post and decide to go around to a few others that I LOVE to read and realize what a pitty party I just threw for myself.  Luckily no one else was really here to join me (unless you count Eleanor watching Fresh Beat Band, but she didn't really care what I was doing other than to be amazed by all the letters I put on the screen).  I feel like a fool a little bit for all my rambling but I think somehow when I say I am getting stressed about the birth, it helps when people have a little background.  So now there is too much background and while it does seem whiny, I am currently a bit on the whiny and emotinal side so I will let it slide. I guess I should have just ended with, I am so glad we all lived "happily ever after" because we are so very lucky in our bad birth experience, so very lucky with only four days in the NICU and our super heathy, so loving, crazy brilliant almost 7-year old son to show for it.

Sugar!!

I don't know if I have mentioned it yet but Easter Candy is my all time favorite.  I have a complete weakness when it comes to all things Cadbury this time of year.  My favorite is the original Cadbury Cream Egg followed by the Orange Cream Egg.  And I have definitely found that people are a either a "lover" or "hater" when it comes to this confection.  For a very pregnant lady whose taste buds are ablaze with everything I eat, they completely hit the spot. I eat them after I eat dinner to settle everything...they don't give me heartburn when almost everything does these days (ice cream has the same effect, so I do have something to trade out with them on occasion).  I can eat one when I am not really hungry or completely famished and they are fabulous each and every time. 

I have always loved candy and sweets...earlier this pregnancy I was a salty girl and that sort of threw me for a loop.  I still have a bag of Doritos in the pantry for the cheese craving that hits--crunchy cheese, not good for you dairy (although that does happen too).  Have I mentioned that in general I really do like to eat?  Pregnancy has always been a time of rejoicing because I have always eaten well and loved every morsel.  The first half of this surrogate pregnancy found me without an appetite.  I would really want to want something and it just didn't happen. I would eat and it was so unfulfilling. 

By week 25 or so, I was back to my happily eating pregnant self when I was told I would have to take my gestational diabetes test.  This didn't worry me in the least since I had always been more of the type to get a little weak if I went too long without eating, so I was pretty confident in my ability to burn through some sugar without problem.  But I failed the first test.  I got the call and was so upset.  Easter candy was already appearing in the stores and there was a chance that I would have to sacrifice this amazing selection.  Of course, I would do it because my health and the health of the baby is way too important, but my freezer would totally be stocked for the time when my blood sugar returned to normal after the birth.  Luckily that few days of stress followed by the three hour (horrible, horrible, horrible) glucose test confirmed that my sugar was really low and I was no where near diabetic. Note to anyone reading, don't drink chocolate milk at midnight the night before your one hour test.  I am not saying it had anything to do with the first fail, but you never know. ;-)

So now my house is stocked with at least 8 Cadbury Cream eggs (combo of regular and the orange cream), a bag of jellybeans, a bag of candy coated chocolate eggs, a bag of peppermint patties (in Easter colored wrappers!) and some mini chocolate bunnies.  Yep I think that does it. And because all good sugar snacks do tend to result in a small salty craving, the Doritos are also sharing the pantry with some Flavor Blasted White Cheddar Goldfish.  But no one tell my husband or the kids okay??

PS. How is it that Cadbury is not in spellcheck??!! Seriously?