So the thing with being a surrogate and recovering fairly well, is that you forget that you actually gave birth...GAVE BIRTH...just a few weeks ago. Your mind is clear and bright from resting and not dealing with a new baby, so you sort of forget that your body really has gone through something huge. So much so that you are completely caught off guard by the surge of emotions that have no name. I had been on the look-out for rouge hormones those first two weeks, but coasting into week 3, I thought I was in the clear.
Yesterday I was completely going about my business when, WHAM, I wanted to cry. Eleanor had a tough day and cried a few times herself, very out of ordinary for my vibrant girl. Maybe that set the tone...were we both hormonal?? I had gotten everything done that I wanted to and truly had a great day. When this craziness emerged, I went to lay down and figure out what was wrong, but nothing was wrong...I wasn't sad or mad or anything really. The feeling was in the back of my throat like I wanted to scream or cry or throw up...maybe all three. After a little while, I returned to normal and the feeling (of not feeling anything) went away.
Tonight I had a recurrence. One of those things were you are set off by something that shouldn't really bother you...again after a day that was a bit more trying than it should have been. My mind was already somewhat crazy after spending hours looking for a key to the box that holds Eleanor's birth certificate (mind you, I am sort of emotional trying to get everything ready to register her for kindergarten before the magnet school deadline while trying to not actually think about my baby going to kindergarten--as that will make any mom emotional). Then after dinner, Eleanor was coughing so hard she threw up twice in the bathroom sink...so gross...I tried to turn her around to puke in the toilet but she wasn't budging. Finally a simple request by my husband to continue hanging out with one of his oldest friends, pushed me over the edge. I was in tears at the thought of him not coming home when I had anticipated. He NEVER gets guy time even though I always push him to and this one time that he asks to stay out later, I completely freak out. It was the strangest thing. I didn't really have a reason for him, but got all scary hormone crazy on him. Luckily I came to my sense fairly quickly and called him back telling him to enjoy the evening...I mean, really, I could totally see myself calling him asking the exact same thing.
My body is still recovering and still trying to work through everything that has happened, while my mind is exactly where it needs to be. Mentally I feel so good...almost giddy really. The enormity of what I have done for another family is just amazing, plus I am back in my jeans (a cool spurt actually boosted my moral yesterday morning, when the jeans fit better than my spring capris and shorts) and everyone is telling me how great I look...I mean, who wouldn't be feeling on top of the world??!! I have rocked this surrogacy and my body apparently has to remind me that it isn't quite where the rest of me is...oh well...hopefully this doesn't last too long and I don't turn the crazy on anyone else.
So now, the house is quiet and I am good. The wine has been poured and the chocolates are ready to compliment it. :-) Seems like an evening to myself might be just what I need and hopefully this crazy hormone thing will settle down soon. For the interim, I have lots of wine and chocolate.
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