Understanding

So I haven't actually told the kids that we are pregnant.  We have mentioned it to them that mommy wants to help another family and wants to be pregnant again, but not actually gone so far as to share the news. 

The other day I got some great pictures of Baby A from her parents.  I pulled them up on the computer to show Alex and asked if he knew who that baby was or who those happy looking people were with her.  When he realized who she was, I told him that we all worked really hard to grow that baby for her parents and now they are so happy every single day because they have her.

I told him I wanted to help another mommy that couldn't grow her own baby...his first response was "not again!"...but I hugged him close and told him that it means a lot to me to help someone.  He asked how a tummy can be broken and why I can grow babies when others can't.  To use a really bad example, I reminded him of when he needed his adenoids out.  They weren't helping him and actually causing trouble for him--I was trying to explain how sometimes our bodies just don't work like they are supposed to and what works on one person might not work on someone else. I didn't want to get into anything too scary and I wanted to keep my explanations completely understandable.  It seemed to make sense to him fairly quickly and we spent a few minutes talking about various other things that don't always work--your eyes, tonsils, gallbladder...he'll probably laugh at me down the road when he realized how horrible my comparision of a broken uterus was to a broken gallbladder.

He still seemed a little hesitant so we looked back at all the photos, then I just looked him in the eye and said that it would break my heart not to have him.  I would want him even if my belly was broken. He looked like he was going to cry when I said that.  So I told him that maybe we would try to grow two babies this time and he thought that sounded cool. I love how a little bit of spin can totally change the situation for an almost 8 year old.

Surrogacy is a huge family event.  Everyone feels the effects of a pregnant mommy, even when you aren't preparing to bring a baby home.  The nausea, exhaustion, cravings, aversions...the kids notice even when you don't think they do. They can tell something is up.  I try to make it all a very positive experience, like enjoying McD's more often or giving in to little requests...I also try to remind my family and friends why I do this...it isn't about any type of recognition or compensation...its because my world revolves around my family and I would do whatever I needed to in order to have my family.

If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would want someone willing to grow my child when I could not.  I can only hope I would be as wonderful as the two couples I have worked with...trusting me to do what is right for their child during this critical nine month period.  I have a huge responsibility but I couldn't do it alone.  Just like raising children takes a village, it seems that just growing one does too.

We're moving right along!

One part that sort of goes unnoticed when being a surrogate is all the "behind the scenes" work between doctors offices, attorneys, intended parents and the actual surrogate.  That part isn't really that fun to write about but it does provide a little back drop to anyone really wanting to know how this whole surrogacy thing works.

When I first met my IPs in person, their Reproductive Endocrinologist gave my uterus a quick look and did a basic review of my medical history.  This past Monday (Dec. 5th), I had to set up an appointment with my own doctor for blood work (no one goes into this process without being tested for a million and one things--regulations on IVF and anything that involves taking something from someone and putting it elsewhere, medically speaking, is strictly monitored).  I also had to have a sonohystogram--the doctor uses saline to fill up my uterus and views it all via ultrasound. Completely painless and it gives a great picture of the true state of my uterus...checking for any endometriosis, polyps, blockages...anything that could cause any trouble during the IVF procedure. 

The doctor I saw at my OBGYN and he is the same doctor that my last IPs originally starting working with 8 years ago.  He handled all the monitoring of my first surrogacy and it is wonderful to have such a familiar and encouraging face to interact with once again.  Although, I must say, familiarity and comfort is one thing but to be told by a medical professional that you have one of the best uteri (is that the plural of uterus??) in town is somewhere between awesome and kind of creepy.  I guess for a surrogate, that type of phrasing is like getting all "A's" on your report card--but I really didn't have anything to do with the state of my uterus, I was just born this way.

Monday I also mailed our final contract to the IPs attorney.  Having that 30 page book out of my hands is a good feeling. So much is discussed during the contract and so many different scenarios have to be discussed.  Plus all the financial talks happen during the contract stage and that is typically the hardest part for my independent matches.  Luckily I had put together a nice financial calendar so everything was discussed via email and settled on before the atttorneys even got involved.

I do feel good knowing that having this awesome uterus, it is getting put to good use.  I never would have thought that "gestating" would be something I was given by God, but surprises abound. I am still excited to continue to have a great relationship with my last IPs and they are cheering on this next couple too.  Surrogacy will always be a part of who I am, no matter where I am on this path of life.  Being able to share something as amazing as motherhood, is something I will always value.  I truly feel blessed to be able to do this for someone else.  My life was enriched by my last IPs and just knowing them...I feel like this is already happening with this next couple as well.  We come into people's lives are different times for different purposes and reasons...in as much as I have changed the lives of two people, they have also changed mine. 

And we also have a date for our IVF transfer--January 20th.  Whatever happens, 2012 is going to be just as rewarding as 2011.

(He's) Being Thankful...

In the retail world, we see the in-store holidays go from Halloween directly to Christmas.  After spending a bit of time at our favorite big box store yesterday, we were inundated with Christmas cheer. At bedtime last night, Miss E said something about Halloween being over and now it is time for Christmas! She was super excited and I paused for a moment, almost letting it go...but I couldn't.  I NEED for my kids to be thankful.  Maybe it is one of those maternal instincts or maybe it is just me.  So I added in that before we can really appreciate Christmas, we must remember Thanksgiving and take time to be thankful for all that we have.

Miss E made a comment about being thankful for Santa...but my sweet 7-year old boy quickly said he could think of 10 Things that he was thankful for before he went to bed.  He started thinking and quickly rattled off being thankful for toys...but here is his list in no particular order (with just a smidgen of help from me):
   
1. Toys to play with
2. A nice warm house
3. Computers to play
4. Good food to eat
5. A kind family
6. Books to read
7. Great friends
8. Being healthy (ok I helped here, but he quickly agreed)
9. A good school where he can learn a lot
10. To have a mom and dad since some kids don't (this was all him)
Then this morning he came to me as I was typing added #11. Being thankful for God for creating us and our planet.  We don't go to church so this was somewhat surprising, yet warmed my heart. 

Number 10 though really hit me hard.  He made a point to say it separately from having a kind family--which in itself made me proud.  What a sweet, sweet boy. I am so very thankful for the children I have and can't imagine my world without them.  Being a mom has brought me more joy and love than I could have ever known in this world.

And his comment following seeing his list here..."I'm thankful for more than I am years old"...I think if you can think of enough things to surpass your years, you are doing something right.  I think I might have to sit down myself and see how many things I am thankful for...as I am positive that list would be greater than my own 33 years.

Here we go again...

So this blog is my launch pad, where I gather my thoughts and share with those close to me what I have in the works.  Sometimes I post on facebook and sometimes people get get phone calls...but sometimes, you just want to shout something from the rooftops and a blog is the modern version of doing just that. 

Here I can't contain myself any longer.  I have prayed and prayed about what to do next with my life.  I thought getting a job would fulfill my extra time so I couldn't dwell on my own children growing up and being in school full time.  I thought that being busy would mean I wouldn't feel the pull to go down a certain path once more.  I really thought that I would use my sewing and crafting to fulfill any extra spaces.  I wasn't sure for a while if I ever wanted to be pregnant again, but I guess I don't like odd numbers or I just want the chance to do something extraordinary once more...but I am pursuing another surrogacy.  This probably isn't the best means of sharing...but some things just need to be shared all at once with everything put out there. 

In my last post, I mentioned seeing my FIM with her baby.  Seeing the happiness in her face that she was able to show off her baby to the world, solidified a feeling that had been growing in my heart.  I was pretty sure in those moments after childbirth that I would have to do this again, but in that instant I knew without a doubt. I would need to help one more family be created. I know it is a lot to ask of my family and friends.  I could not have gotten through the rough spots in the last pregnancy without the help of many special people.  I feel greedy in asking for their support again.  Yet something about four pregnancies just feels complete. I don't feel like I will need to do this again.

Knowing I want to be a surrogate again and knowing what my own family has in the works for the next few years--adding sports and travel to our lives, this time just feels like the right time to pursue it.  We have our own plans for the future where being pregnant would not fit.  My heart is calling out for something and I just can't ignore it.  I have talked with a few different couples over the last few months, but the couple I am continuing with gave me the same type of feeling I got when I first talked with J&M. 

The new IPs (Intended Parents), C&J, have said that I can continue to blog about our journey and I look forward to sharing this experience from the very beginning.  This blog should serve as a nice reminder for myself and anyone close to me, why I am going down this path.  I feel blessed that I can do something, give hope, where there has been heartache. And while each journey is different and the end result is unknown, I feel like having the opportunity to try is worth it.  I hope that next year at this time I can be blogging about a birth, but I may still be somewhere in the midst of a pregnancy or even contemplating why it didn't go as planned...whatever stage I am in is for the love of family.  If I can teach my children to be compassionate and to reach out when they can, I will be able to look back on my life knowing I did something right as a mother.

How do you do it??

So I am busy now with my part time job that landed amazingly in my lap. I feel lucky...blessed for this opportunity that actually uses my finance degree and allows me to get dressed up and interact with actual grown ups during the week. This blessing is huge...a huge adjustment.  I don't know how most of the population does it with work and family--and most people I know work full time...with more than one child...with after school activities...with a church to visit multiple times a week...geez. So how do I with my two elementary school children and a part time job feel like I can't get one step ahead??  I guess this is why there are cleaning ladies and restaurants...maybe those are two things I need to utilize a lot more often. 

I have had so many different blog posts in my mind...so much has happend since the kiddos went back to school the first week of August.  A week ago Eleanor lost her first tooth--I remember when that tooth popped through the gums and now it has made way for the adult tooth that I was just able to see yesterday.  The years are going by so quickly and even when I throw out my arms and legs making my best impression of a big "X," time continues slipping by. 

Today I had one of those moments where you are overwhelmed with all you have and not all you have to do.  After the rush to get everyone out by 7:20am, we were on the way to school when I stopped at a red light. A single glimpse into the rear-view mirror reminded me of the real meaning of my life.  I love my two back seat passengers more than anything on this planet and in those very moments, I had to give in to the huge-ness of what I have in this life and how I couldn't ask for more (other than an extra hour or two in the day).  Life is crazy and busy and hectic...but good.  We have taken more moments to spend as a family and made sure in all the busy-ness that everyone gets an extra hug or kiss at the end of the day. 

I got new pictures of J&M's baby this morning.  Almost six months old.  Six months since I finished my nine month baby growing project.  Maybe seeing that little miracle helped remind me of my own miracles.  I was afraid I would forget that feeling and for a bit, in the hustle and bustle, I started to.  I don't want to ever take for granted those amazing children or make them feeling anything less than completely loved.  I want to teach them to be happy, healthy people who understand how hard this life is but also how great it can be.  Things aren't always easy, but looking around and seeing the friends and family that love me makes me see exactly how I have made it so far.  Busy people may not have a lot of time for friends and family, but they sure will appreciate those moments that are taken out for the people in our lives that matter most.  I guess at this point in my life I should be thankful I have an amazing husband.  Someone to pick up the slack around the house and encourage me when I am feeling run down.  I am starting to see that a mom is a really great mom when she has a really great man behind her.

Changes

Just a few weeks ago I was struggling with where I needed to go next.  It is so strange how thinking and praying about something can actually give you a result.  I know at this point that so much of my life has come in a time that is not my own, but it is all part of a bigger plan.  It is so hard to be patient and wait when answers elude you.  There are times when your "needs" are actually "wants" and time is the only thing that shows you this truth.

It is funny to me how surrogacy has changed my life. Taking a year "off" of my own life and learning to appreciate all that I can do (like carry more than a gallon of milk!) that I typically take for granted. Believing in this process and knowing that God will make anything happen that is supposed to...learning to trust and have faith.  The turning points in my life have all been like this.  I struggle with something and then after a while, things begin to happen and I see a clear answer.  With the surrogacy, we got pregnant the first try, had some ups and downs during the pregnancy, but the end result was a wonderfully healthy baby girl.  I truly learned the meaning of family and love over the last year. I learned who is there for me and taught my children how to reach out and help other people.  Things came out of this last year, other than a baby, that I never anticipated.  And for the friends, the family, the support...I am grateful.

So I have been praying about where to go next, where to put my energy for the next little while.  And the other day I got a phone call about a part time job.  A job where I would be in an office, dressing nicely, interacting with people.  Actually using skills that have been on the shelf for a very long time.  I got excited.  It all felt right and the flexibility will allow me to still be involved at school.  I would go to work after I drop the kids off and when I am done working I can leisurely get in the car pool line--we still start and end our days together and that is what I want for my family.  There will be an occasional time where the kids will be at home with hubby during the work day but he has committed to helping however he can. I don't mind a "movie day" every once in a while since I know how hard the kids work at school and if this means that I don't impose on anyone else all that often, it seems good to me.  I know I will need some help though and the next few weeks will involve lining up a few back up people.

This past month has also involved some physical changes.  Four personal training sessions along with a personal workout plan and I have noticed a new feeling: strength.  I can physically push myself to do things I didn't think possible. While I haven't really lost weight, I am changing my body. My balance has improved and I feel like I am standing taller as muscles are long and lean. The challenge of exercise has provided a mental rush too...so I feel like there have been lots of mind/body improvements going on.

And the last change for this month will be my baby turning five.  A five year old is so different from a four-year old and things start to happen at an exceptionally quick rate.  This first year of elementary school takes in a little kid and at the end, there will be a very grown up, independent child that be capable of so much more than you ever imagined.  I have anticipated this change and looked forward to it at times, but it is the most heart wrenching part of my life right now.  It seems like she was just put in my arms for the first time, a moment ago...and the years of spitting up, learning to walk and potty-training are now just a blink.  Where has the time gone? My baby girl is less than a week away from turning 5 and just two weeks away from starting kindergarten.  I hope I am ready, because I know without a doubt that she is.

Life can change so quickly and I feel so blessed that those changes, even when they seem major, have always brought something positive.  I look forward to this new chapter and am curious to see if there is anything else around the corner!

Mother's Day

Its amazing when a day suddenly has a new meaning...I grew up making Mothers Day cards and gifts for my mom and grandmothers, but over the years this day has truly evolved.  I finally get it, get what it means to be a mom. I have been celebrated myself now for 7 years...my first Mothers Day when Alex was only a few weeks old.  All those years ago, I had no idea what I was in for...I was "green" as they say...just happy to have my baby in my arms, no need to really celebrate. 

This year, I feel like I "get" it...I know why we celebrate our Mothers and why we take a moment to think of their importance in our lives.  Mothers do so much for their children in ways beyond the feeding, clothing, loving that we see day to day.  A mom is there for support, even when they don't agree, they let you try life your way and see what happens because they know it will make stronger in the end.  If you fail and you come running back, you have a learned just as valuable a lesson as when you succeed.  Those risks make us stronger and make us look outside the box.  Mothering isn't just teaching your children to do the right thing, it is showing them that can use any situation to learn and grow.

As a mother, you learn to follow your heart.  You know when your children are sick or having a bad day just by looking at them.  You know when to be stern and you know when to open your arms.  Your heart speaks so loudly as a mother, that some days, its hard to do anything but watch your children, in awe that they are yours.  I see my kids growing way too fast, becoming independent people with their own dreams and goals. I hope that as their mother, I have nurtured them in such a way that they feel they can take on the world and survive no matter which way life goes for them.  My children will always be a success if they can follow their hearts and trust in their minds. 

As a mother, I was led to become a surrogate and will most likely pursue it again.  I wanted to teach my children that we help other people when we can.  We give of ourselves because this life isn't just about us...I would never have thought my gift would be to grow babies, but maybe more than growing a baby I was able to create a family.  And that is what I celebrate today, as I not only have my family, but another that will be forever changed because of the choice I made to give of myself. 

I am so proud of myself and all the people that have come forward to support me always--not only in surrogacy but in motherhood. I celebrate us all today, as together, we have made a difference in so many lives. Happy Mothers Day!

Checking In...

So it has another week and life has continued to get back to normal.  I am feeling really well and it doesn't hurt to be back in my regular clothes. I feel very fortunate that my body has forgiven me for carrying around so much weight for so long. It seems to be one more sign that my body was made for growing babies. 

Yesterday I had the privilege of being invited out to J&M's house to see the baby and the nursery.  Baby A is back to her birth weight plus 2 oz (9lbs15oz for anyone keeping track!), which is right on track for just over two weeks old.  She has gotten even more beautiful in the last two weeks and J seems to be very in love with her new little girl.

Even better than seeing the baby was seeing J.  That probably sounds so strange to anyone...I mean, moms are great but babies are amazing!  But the crazy thing is, I bonded with J during the course of the pregnancy and even before.  She was the one that I got to know on a very personal level. I looked her in the eyes at 13 weeks when we thought we lost the baby...I also got to see the elation when that baby girl was safely delivered to her arms.  The best and worst of someone and I was there for those moments.  This woman will always be considered a very close, personal friend.  I am so thankful that she has continued to keep me updated on their lives and feels as close to me as I do to her. 



My new sewing cabinet all ready to go!



I have tried to start focusing on more than just the surrogacy though and while I am definitely feeling like I want to go down that path again, I need to focus on a few other things for a bit...like all my sewing!!



Eleanor's pup, not quite finished



Recently I bought "One Yard-Wonders" (available here for purchase: http://www.amazon.com/One-Yard-Wonders-Sewing-Fabric-Projects/dp/1603424490/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1304522035&sr=8-1) and decided to let Eleanor pick a project.  She went for a very cute little dog stuff animal.  I have never made anything stuffed in my life, outside of the square pillow category, but I am always up for a challenge.  The dog has a few little areas where it didn't quite turn out right, but I know as soon as the hand stitching is done (which I can't stand doing because I am horrible at it) she will have a new little pup to love.

Speaking of Eleanor, I haven't really had any good pictures of her lately so I decided to pull out my old camera. Apparently, the camera I got for Christmas 2009 has a strange flash setting (which I have tried to change and there are no other options for) and every picture I take of Miss Eleanor has her eyes closed.  The old camera doesn't have this problem, so now I have pictures of my baby with her eyes opened!! Yay!! 

Since I am adding photos to this post, I will also add pics of the other babies in the house...Niko (orange tabby) and Sasha (white with black points).  They are both coming up on their 2nd birthdays and they really round out the crew. Niko likes to nose at the blinds and meow so you open them up.  He goes all around the house doing this and it really is cute.

 Life feels so very complete right now.  Amazing to look around and feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be...

The Baby Shower

J&M have a huge group of friends and family that have supported them throughout this surrogacy.  Yesterday I was able to meet some of these people and I can honestly say I have never felt more love in my life.  I feel blessed to be a part of this process in a whole new way.  I knew there was something special about J&M from the first time we met.  Part of me feels like, even if I wasn't their surrogate, I would have met them for some other reason. They have always seems liked old friends and the level of familiarity was something I have never experienced before or since.  When things are meant to happen, there isn't much fighting it.

The shower was beautiful and the people were wonderful.  It was so nice to see J celebrated as a mother-to-be and get to share in her special day.  I wasn't prepared for everyone to be so vocal about my role; there were tears, hugs and the most kind words ever spoken.  I cried in the car on the way home just thinking about it.  I really feel like I didn't deserve all that attention.  After all, what I am doing really isn't that big in the grand scheme of things.  I am just a vessel to get this little girl to the arms of her parents, my nine month role is nothing compared to what goes into actually nurturing and raising a child. 

My family thought it was worth it to take a break from focusing on ourselves to help someone else.  People are always sacrificing things to help others or to help a cause they believe in.  I guess my cause just happens to be Motherhood.  Anyone that has ever looked at their own child and then imagined a world without that little person, would probably get a glimpse of why I wanted to do this for even a complete stranger.  My heart aches to think of my world without my children.  I don't think I would have been strong enough to go on for years and years of trying, without it causing major damage to the person I am and to my marriage.  I am blown away by J&M (and really all the couples I have read about that endure infertility) and their ability to stay strong and sane. 

God works in amazing ways.  I am not the most religious in the sense that I do not attend a church, but I am very faithful.  I pray often and prayed quite a bit about the decision to pursue surrogacy.  I had been struggling with the feeling that I wanted...really needed...to be pregnant again but I also felt like our family was complete.  I feel like my prayer led me to the world of surrogacy, then straight to J&M.  It is amazing to think that our first round of IVF actually took and here we are 33 weeks pregnant with a beautiful little girl. 

Oh, the things kids say and do...

 A night or two ago, Eleanor (4yo) fell asleep first and I went to talk with Alex (6yo). He was asking about the baby and wanted to know how she was going to get out of my tummy.  The first thing he did was make an awful face and ask if the doctor was going to slice me open to get her out.  I instantly tried to calm him by saying that wasn't necessary but that only opened a new can of worms:
             "So mom, exactly how does she get out of you then?"

My very logical, science minded child wanted details, steps probably, labeled from 1-10 on how a baby is to go from inside to outside. Is it wrong to not be ready to go there?  I don't want to lie to the child, but he doesn't need to know the whole truth, right??  I did say that moms are special and our bodies do amazing things to get a baby out. He already asked if I was going to "throw her up" so I am sure it is just a matter of time before he asks if I am going to poop her out.  I tried to liken it to the Tooth Fairy or even Santa, as truly, the birth of a child is a little magical just like those things. 

Oh, Eleanor has learned how to make herself burp this week.  She likes to try pretty much any time she thinks about it, even if she has just eaten.  Not fun trying to explain that the more she does this the greater her chance of throwing up will be. 

And I got my hair cut today and was feeling super fabulous about it, when she looks at me and says she likes the old hair better.

Sleepytime

Last night, after reading stories, I lay down on Eleanor's bed with her.  I looked at her quiet face and stroked her hair as she fell alseep. I look at my children differently now that I have glimsed the world of infertility. I never took them for granted but I don't think I appreciated them nearly as much as much as I do now. I am reminded in times of craziness and tantrums that I wouldn't trade it for anything...that those moments are just as much a part of life as the snuggles and kisses. 

And as I lay down with my daughter, the little girl in my belly starts her evening dance.  J&M are so blessed to have her coming. I feel sad that J will never know the feeling of her child within her, but some things are no longer important when you have waited so long for your child.  It isn't the way she arrives into this world as long as she is yours.

I still check on both of my kids before I head to bed.  I go into their rooms, tuck them in a little tighter and always make sure they are warm, but not too hot.  I have done this for all but about 10 or so nights since they were born...coming up on seven years of bedtime checks and I don't plan to stop anytime soon.