Not Quite January 1

 I always like the idea of a new year as the time to make changes...but sometimes there is so much pressure for that day 1, on January 1, that I can't quite get my act together. So there's today, or yesterday or tomorrow. Each day can be a new start. A small start. I know I want to be kinder and more understanding in 2021. I want to judge less and love more, but its been really hard. The world seems so strange. I've been so busy with the usual hustle and bustle, that now that the bustles are hustling no longer, its just very quiet. Luckily, we have dogs to make up for the noise. 

Parenthood is so different than what I expected. I wasn't prepared for the day my children knew more about the history of the country that I have lived in for 41 years. I was blown away by the observations of kids that can't even drive (one should be able to, but that is whole other story). I will not let the political world infiltrate my inner mind. My goal is to focus on what can me a better person, which leads to being a better wife and mom. The needs of my family have changed so much over the years and now there are days where my only influence is a (hopefully) healthy meal and a chat my oldest while walking the dog. 

So I will start now. Finding something to give a little purpose. Of course, the husband and kids and home and animals provide some of that, but I need to have a little something just for me too. My goal for the year is to start fresh. To find new ways to do my "day to day" just a little better. Use environmentally friendly "poop bags" for the dogs. Trade out some of my usual produce for something organic. Make use of what I have and repair things rather than replace. I have wanted to trade out skin care for a long time as I watch my family deal with multiple skin issues over the years. As we all know, our skin is our largest organ!

Its been a while...

Wow. Its been 8 years. So much change, but so much has really stayed the same. There is a Pandemic. Crazy stuff that I'd never expect in my lifetime. My kids are TEENAGERS!! I don't know when that happened...I guess 4 and 2 years ago, if I'm being honest. 

Grandparents are gone. Friends are losing parents. I have a new niece. In the midst of the chaos, life and death go on. This is a new phase of motherhood for me. My years with pregnancy, babies, toddlers  are gone...even after being a gestational surrogate three times. The youngest of the "extra" babes is almost five. Its time for me to figure out what is next. Is anyone still here? 

The meaning of Surrogacy

For anyone thinking of becoming a surrogate or wanting to know in one simple sentence what surroagcy is about, here you go:

"Surrogacy is a year out of your own life, to give someone else a lifetime of happiness."

Yep, I think that pretty much sums it up. :-)

And a new year begins

Each year, New Years Day is filled with all the excitement and wonder of what is to come in the next 12 months.  The last few years have been dominated with pregnancy, not only by my surrogate pregnancies, but those of my dearest friends as well.  While this theme will continue for a few, this year may be the first in three for me, that doesn't involve pregnancy.  I always make big plans for a new year...new budget, new goals, new weight. :-)  So trying to decide what to do with this year is really taking some thought.

I talked with a few different people last year about surrogacy.  Two friends are now actively surrogates in various stages and another was on the opposite end--desperately ready for her family. I have continued to be in contact with my first surrogate family and it is amazing to see how that little girl has grown.  They will forever be special people in my life and I feel like I have been blessed just by knowing them.  While I am not as close with the second set of parents (distance and of course, having two babies!!) I did get a super cute Christmas card and some photos.  It really touched my heart to hear from them and see how they are thriving.

So the question is still out there...what to do with 2013?  My family has waited patiently for me to be back to my old self and now I need to figure out exactly what to do.

**So this post never made it to be published in January, when it was originally written, so rather than delete and start again, I figure I may as well add what I have been up to in 2013.**

Today is 5 months since the twins were born. I have five pounds left to lose to get to my IVF weight and another five that would put me where I want to be. Haven't heard from the twins parents since Christmas and I am okay with that now. They are super busy with their jobs and babies. The first surrogate baby is 2 months away from being 2. She is adorable and I recently got to see her new thing, the fist-bump. Her parents are so thrilled and still so very thankful.

My bestie, Meagan, got me to sign up for Pilates and it has been amazing.  The instructor spent the first four weeks working with just the two of us and I can tell how much stronger my core has gotten in the six weeks I have been going.  I can't believe I haven't done it before as it is just what this pregnancy weary body has needed.  The girls at work got into Zumba and I jumped on that bandwagon as well.  Doing something active and fun for myself has not only had great physical results, but  mental ones as well.  I have lost five pounds and fit back into clothes that seemed like they were from a life-time ago. My head also feels clear for the first time in a very long time.  No extra hormones, no medicines, no pregnancy. I feel like I am finding myself again and that is a very good feeling.

Surrogacy is amazing and I know that taught the people around me a lot about my character and how much I value family, but it takes a lot out of you.  You give for so long and then you aren't quite sure what's left when you are done.  I am finding myself in 2013 and being a more attentive, loving mother and wife.  I am reclaiming me and making sure that I am more than a surrogate, but the best person I can be for all the people that have stood by me for so long.

So I guess I can say that 2013 is off to a very good start...

Moving forward yet again

Its been eight weeks.  Yesterday was exactly two months.  There are days when it seems like an eternity ago that I was pregnant, like a dream, but then others where I almost expect to feel the thumps in my belly. There is a sense of finality now, of never being pregnant again, never again doing what my body was made to do. But there is also a sense of relief.  No more hormones, no more shots, no more stress of watching everything I eat and being so focused on the little person or people inside me.  Now is the time for my family...for growing and nurturing the people that have supported me for almost three years as I focused on surrogacy.

It has been a tough two months for me with the harder than anticipated mental and physical recovery. Somehow time has passed and now I feel like myself again.  The scar is still pink and a little numb, much like the feeling in my heart from not being as close with the second IPs as I would have hoped.  Even though it was a different experience, I still miss checking in with the mom and giving her updates.  I remember feeling like this a little after the first surrogacy.  As the new families are busy getting to know each other and meet the needs of newborns, the surrogate's role is gone.  Heck as any new mom knows, everyone but your new baby is pretty much of non-importance as you learn to make it through the days after sleepless nights.  So I am readjusting to my life and trying not to get overwhelmed as I think of all I put on hold. 

I have been tired for about two and a half years...between being pregnant and trying to prepare for pregnancy, my body has been through a lot.  I am still tired but with Thanksgiving and Christmas upon us, I just have to get my act together and jump back into my life with both feet.  I think this will be a blessing in disguise as I have to use my time wisely. I am excited to do some crafting and some baking...two things that were easy to put to the wayside while pregnant. It was a lot easier and faster to just buy things and I may not have enough time to do all I would want to, but I can do a little. 

Life is again moving forward and I am ready for whatever comes next.  I want to get healthy and strong for me, not just to prepare for gaining weight with pregnancy. I want to feel confident in my own life, and give all that to my family.  They deserve it.

Postpartum...4 weeks later

Tomorrow it will be four weeks since the c-section.  I have spent the last four weeks battling a range of emotions and varying levels of pain.  The last four weeks have not been fun to say the least.  My theory is that some women do so well with recovery because they have the surge of hormones that comes from holding your newborn.  When your child is in front of you, it is amazing what you can accomplish.  I use to laugh that I could feel a migraine coming on, but it would wait to hit me with full force until I closed the last child's door at bedtime. I have a hunch as mothers, lots of things work in just that way.  We can push off whatever pain and discomfort when we must care for our children.  While I still have to care for my own children, it is very different than having a completely dependent newborn.

My postpartum worries don't involve caring for a baby or planning for the future, but concern that my body will somehow fail me even this late in the game and my recovery will be thwarted.  Muscles are sore and they ache.  I wake up feeling good, but by the time the children are off to school and I return home, my abdomen is aching.  By late afternoon, my back is throbbing from working hard to compensate for the weakness in my core.  I think about the surgery all the time.  The scar is clean and straight, but you can feel lumps under the skin where the muscles are sewn together.  Pain shifts from around the incision across to my hips and may settle in one spot for a few minutes or all day. There is a constant soreness no matter what I do.  I worry about infection or ripping stitches that I cannot see.  The unknown still bothers me now as much as it did before the surgery. 

Emotionally I am still battling with the fact that everyone missed the birth.  The means to the end wasn't as planned, but we all still got the happy ending.  I wish I had spent more time with the new family, or even a few moments with the boys.  I respected the parents wishes that they be the first ones to spend time with the babies, so I didn't take any time with the newborns before their parents could arrive.  I didn't get a chance to talk  to them or hold them--these two little people that I had grown and known in such a different way for nine months. I wanted to see what they looked like and see the movements that I had been feeling on the inside.  To say hello and goodbye is very important to me, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. I have learned that there isn't much you can plan for with pregnancy, but surrogacy adds a whole new level of being out of your control. I did have a few minutes with everyone as they were leaving--babies all packed up in their seats, mom and dad anxious to get on the road.  Me trying to put on a good face while the pain meds still weren't doing much. It all seemed to happen so quickly. There was so much I wanted to say that was left unsaid.

A month later I have gotten a great little update from the parents along with an adorable picture.  The boys are sleeping well and are both already distinct little people with their own personalities.  I am so thrilled I can be two for two on babies that sleep well after I grew them...my household must be so loud and crazy with my big kids that when babies are finally the only children around, they sleep like crazy. :-) I like to think that I contribute a little to the people they are, even if is only related to how well they sleep. Three little people are here that couldn't have been without me.  Three little people that may never really grasp how much their parents wanted them and the lengths it took to even have them. 

I love my children more now than I ever thought I could.  I appreciate my friends and family beyond measure.  It took me a long time to grasp what a big deal surrogacy really can be, but only a moment to know the enormity of being a mom.  Just those feelings alone, should have prepared me for all that comes with surrogacy. Making someone else a mom is so different and yet so much the same as being a mom yourself.  You don't create your own child, but pass along those feelings to someone that couldn't do it on her own. Having a hand in a miracle is something that changes you forever.

Wow that was fast!!! (aka "The Birth")

So this was my forth pregnancy that was all scheduled to end on September 19th.  After weekly visits for ages and very little change at my last appointment, I was pretty confident that the twins would be born on September 19th.  Well, I guess the only thing to say is, I was wrong.

Over the weekend I had been worn out and tired, which pretty much describes the last few weekends.  Nothing really seemed out of the ordinary and honestly I thought my contractions had gotten farther apart and less intense since I stopped working a few weeks ago.  Monday morning (the 17th) I woke up around 3am feeling like I was going to be sick.  A few bathroom trips later I realized that I was losing at least some of my mucus plug.  I took about 20 minutes of battling myself back and forth before I decided to head to the hospital to be checked. I have never had a false alarm and figured since this might be my last pregnancy, I would get away with heading in.  If they laughed at me, well I didn't have to tell anyone and it could be my little secret. 

In my past labors, when I had lost a lot of mucus, it sometimes meant something and sometimes didn't.  I never lost it as part of active labor but as something that occurred anywhere from a week to two days before labor.  I didn't think anything was happening but for peace of mind, had to go in. I wanted to make sure that if I had dilated another centimeter or two, that I contacted the parents.  My perfect scenario needed them to be there, just as before, to see their boys immediately at birth.  I wasn't sure if the hospital would keep me if I wasn't in active labor but with breech twins,  I didn't want to take any chances. So I drove myself to the hospital just to be safe.

I head back with the nurse to get my weight and blood pressure taken (still something like 112/78--which is the highest it had been in ages).  We go to the little exam room and I get connected to the twin monitors.  Heart rates are great--right within a few beats of each other.  The nurse does say I am having a contraction but only half was recorded so she was going to have to start calculating from the first full contraction on the monitor.  I told her I wasn't really having contractions but that I felt nauseated and not quite right.  At that moment, my doctor appeared at the door!! She had been on call all weekend and was actually finishing up her shift when she saw my name on the board. I was so excited to see her but then laughed and said that I didn't really think I was in labor yet I wasn't feeling quite right, so I wanted to come in. 

What happened next will forever be etched in my brain.  She checks me and is making this very strange face.  I thought for sure she was going to send me home so when she starts yelling to get an OR and the anesthesiologist I was starting to panic just a bit. A nurse put in my IV and remember looking over at her to see she had hit something and my hand was covered in blood.  The next moment involved me signing some sheet saying I could have surgery.  The only words I could squeak out were "should I call the parents?" to which a nurse grabbed my phone and said "YES!".  It just didn't seem real.  As the room started spinning I picked up the fact that I was 9cm dilated and had a bulging back of waters. Dr. G orders the ultrasound just to make sure that what she felt were actually feet and of course, they were, so we still needed to get surgery in before my water broke or anyone started coming out the wrong way. I called the parents and panicked as the first number was a cell and not answered.  I got them on their home line and don't even remember exactly what I said other than "the babies are coming now". I can't imagine getting that phone call in the wee hours knowing how far away they were.  My whole world was falling apart as I realized we were not going to get the birth we had all hoped for...I didn't have time to think for long though.  I called Dave and told him he needed to come too--he could hear the panic in my voice and totally thrown for a loop. I had talked to him minutes before at the house and neither of us thought I was in labor. This whole experience was very surreal.

While we were heading down the hallway to the OR, I asked my doctor if we could just wait a little bit...I remember asking if they could just tilt me with my head down for a bit to buy us some time.  I think she actually laughed at me. I don't even know what time it was, other than thinking I have only been in the hospital for 15-20 minutes at this point.  I didn't have time to panic or anything--all I was thinking was that I couldn't be 9cm dilated because that would mean I was in labor and I was sure this wasn't labor.

So into the OR I go with things happening all around me.  Dr. G won't let me sit for the spinal so I have to lay down and curl into a ball--that might have been the hardest part of the whole operation.  The spinal finally takes (after they do indeed tilt me upside down a few times to get the medication to move up to my abdomen) and the sheet goes up.  Dave is still not there but they have to get started.  When the water broke for Baby A, I just remember this huge sense of relief--lots of pressure had been built up and all the sudden I could breathe again.  It was the best feeling and before I knew it, the baby was out and over with the nurses.  Then baby B...he has been the wiggly one that was always hard to measure during ultrasounds and hard to keep monitored during the non-stress tests...so he was wiggling around making them chase him down before he could come out.  Dr. G remarked that he seemed to be hanging on to something in there, as they started pushing on my belly to assist with getting him to move down. Then he is quickly whisked away to the nurses as well.  I remember both babies crying as they came out, but baby B was seriously pissed off. You could hear it in his cries. I think he wanted to wait just a little longer too.

My doctor and her team were amazing. They talked to me the entire time since I was by myself and I really think that is the only way I made it through without having a serious panic attack.  As they were sewing everything back together, Dave arrived at the hospital amazed that he has missed it all.  Dr. G took her time sewing everything back together and took care to pull the muscles tight.  We joked back and forth that she was giving me a six-pack. The nurses said that my belly was really flat and if they hadn't just seen it, they wouldn't have believed that two babies were in there.  God love my doc for being there for me and taking such good care in those crazy moments.

The surgery wasn't as bad as I thought and I am really proud of myself for handing it so well in such an harried situation.  The recovery started off great but over the next few days, the pain was getting harder to handle.  Three days after the birth, we finally got on a medication schedule where I was a few minutes ahead of the pain and felt like I could function.  Overall I think it was probably comparable to my birth of Alex--my firstborn that really did a number over on me.  That was a regular birth but I think I was on pain meds for weeks after he was born--I can see the same type of thing happening now.  The muscles are so tight and the feeling is so different from anything I have experienced, but it is a little better all the time. 

And it was all completely worth it.  Things might not have gone how any of us had planned and the emotions may have been flying, but in the end, two amazing little miracles are here with their parents and my heart feels good. I did everything I could to ensure a happy ending for this family that had suffered for so many years.  I would do it all again to get to have this end result.

I did what I set out to do and I did it very well.  The babies were both 5lbs13oz and completely healthy. I am so blessed by my family and friends that helped me through this pregnancy.  I could not have gotten through it without any of them.  The phone calls, texts, emails, food, gifts and flowers...I have never felt more loved and appreciated.  Now to rest and recover and get back to my life that has so patiently waited for me to come back.

**I just got a few of my times together...at 4:47am I called the parents to tell them we were having the babies...at 5:15am the babies were born. I think those 27 minutes are some of the most productive of my life.**

Cankles!!

At 36 weeks it became official...I no longer have my cute little ankles.  Someone has replaced my nice feet with ogre feet (okay, so maybe they are in desperate need of pedi so "nice" isn't the best adjective).  It started with just my toes which was pretty funny, but then I realized that my ankles had been swallowed up by an extra layer of fluff.  The cooler temperatures mean I have been wearing pants so I don't really notice my feet until later in the day.  All I know is that when PJs went on two days ago, I was completely shocked.

I had considered getting a pedicure today but found out I can't wear nail polish to my c-section--I wonder if this applies to hands only or to both hands and feet? I would be upset to learn that I had somehow ruined my surgery with a little cuteness on my toes. It just seems wrong to get a pedicure and not have polish involved.  Sadly I am still sporting the remains of purple polish I put on for my sister's wedding just over a month ago.  I can't get close enough to my feet to remove what is left or to throw more on top.  I've been wearing my stretched out Fit-Flops that I have had since being pregnant with Eleanor so everyone around me has been able to see my horrible toe paint... that is if they can even tell with the puffed up toes.

10 days and counting...

So I guess it is apparent that I am no longer working and trying to get everything situated at home before my big surgery.  Nothing like blogging a lot in the last few weeks to give a hint that something is different. :-)

Ten days.  That is nothing.  As a kid, when Christmas was in ten days I was going crazy with excitement--heck, even now when the excitement is mixed with anxiety over getting everything done, ten days is still really close. I can't even imagine how the parents must be feeling right now.  They had a big shower at work a few days ago and were able to experience one more part of becoming parents...and had a car stuffed full to show for it.  The diapers and formula are stocked.  The cribs and toys are ready to go.  The closet is overflowing with matching clothes...now they just need their babies!!! 

Just a few more days until my pre-op appointment at the hospital. Then I guess the real details start coming at me.  I am great at growing babies and even recovering from child birth...and as much as I am fine with the c-section, the fear of the unknown is still there.  I am hoping with such an easy pregnancy that my body will be in an ideal condition to recover.  I haven't had any issues with high blood pressure or too much weight gain and I know that will be a plus over the next few weeks.

My biggest concern is how things will go at home. I plan to take it easy, very easy, but that is hard when you want to get up and help your kids or your spouse.  It is hard to just sit around and let the household function around you.  So I find myself reading lots of post c-section comments on websites and when I can begin exercising without worry of causing problems with the incision.  I tend to research things well beyond necessity and that hasn't changed now.

Ten days.  My journey will be over and a whole new one will begin for these two little boys.  One child that is very mellow and has always behaved well for heartbeat checks, ultrasounds and non-stress tests...and another that is always wiggly with his hands up near his head (causing the smallest little bump that is almost always visible on the upper right of my belly).  I will miss them in a way, but also know I will feel the same sense of relief that came with my last surrogacy. I've done my part.  I did what was promised to the best of my ability. Knowing you have taken that tiny little frozen embryo and done exactly what you had hoped and prayed for--grown it into the child that two people have always wanted--comes with a huge array of emotions.  In ten days life will be different for all of us.  You can't go through this process and not be changed in some way. 

On a fun note, a great friend at work has started her own surrogacy journey!! Injections are still in the single digits as she starts her medical protocol.  It has been a long process for her already but I am so thankful that she has chosen this path too.  I know I can't physically help everyone that needs a baby and at some point my family deserves to have all of me back, but thinking that I have influenced others to pursue surrogacy rivals the feeling of seeing a newborn with her parents.

Ice (or Why my dentist is going get all my money when I am no longer pregnant)...

So the last few weeks or maybe months, I have had this huge craving for ice.  I know it can mean your iron is low and in all honesty, last time it was checked it was borderline...there is just this need for ice that has intensified the more pregnant I get. The enamel on my teeth is bound to be looking rough yet I am crunching it on the side that isn't in need of two crowns (don't want to crack an already iffy tooth you know).  My hope is that I can make it through the next two weeks without causing any tooth pain as I fill up on my favorite food-beverage-snack ever...until I am no longer pregnant and then won't care one bit about it.

For a while after work, I was even swinging by Sheetz every day for a large cup of their crushed variety.  It was awesome, even better than hospital memory and softer on the teeth too. I didn't know it at the time, but I could have gotten it for free if I just got the ice. I always added just a little bit of lemonaide to give it a touch of flavor. Very quickly I was earning free drinks so it was worth the $.89 that the huge cup cost with my card. :-)

The heartburn is getting so bad these days that even ice gives me heartburn, but for some reason if I eat some ice, that almost primes my stomach and allows me to eat real food.  Right now real food isn't something I really want...nausea has started hitting again but I am going to blame it on the heartburn/reflux. I love to eat and I really love to eat when pregnant, so it is unfathomable that I woud not want anything right now.  I stare at the pantry just waiting for something to look good and nothing really does.  I guess the closest things would be watermelon or anything involving coconut.  I think these baby boys want me to go on a tropical vacation for all my hard work these last few months so they are priming my taste buds.  (If anyone wants to send me on a tropical vacation, I am happy to take them up on the idea!)

But seriously, my ice maker doesn't make enough to keep the habit going so I have hours on end where I just sit and sip my water, waiting to hear the crash of the ice in the freezer.  I guess that is what life is like now that I am not working.  Big and pregnant, with my only focus to fatten up babies and trying not to crack a tooth on the ice I can't stop eating...life is good. :-)

The Twin Experience

So last time I posted I was a little complainy and well, that isn't going to change this post either. :-) I was really excited to be pregnant again after I finished my last surrogacy and really wanted to carry twins.  My amazing cousin has done it twice (completely naturally both times!!) and felt like after the huge singletons I had carried, that I could physically do it.  I guess something a little different always seems fun in the beginning...

And really the beginning was easy.  I am still amazed that we are nearing the end of our 33rd week as the time has gone so quickly.  Working seems to have made a big difference as we stay on schedule all week.  Up at the same time every morning and to bed at the same time every night.  I knew my kids thrived on a schedule but I guess I do too. 

The middle of the pregnancy was really easy too--I had one doctor tell me that with twins, the traditional "feel good" phase that typically comes in the second trimester only lasts a few weeks and that is the truth.  Huge energy bursts, lots getting done, hurray for me!!  Then you start feeling rough and get reality checks about things like c-sections and how big your diameter has gotten.

I must say that the last few weeks have gotten progressively harder.  Luckily I am managing to sleep well and eat well enough that for the most part I feel good...it is just harder to do basic things, like get dressed, roll over and get out of a chair.  The last few days have been really rough and I am starting to get really tried from basic things.  Clothes are starting to get tight and I pretty much have four work outfits that I rotate through the four days each week that I work.  My hands are getting just slightly swollen as are my feet, so while I can still wear rings and shoes, it is noticeable that they are no longer comfortable. 

The twin experience is actually better than I thought it would be for the most part and I must say I do feel incredibly lucky that the contractions I have been having haven't actually done anything other than be obnoxious.  My body is holding tight to these little boys (so tight that I get heartburn now from almost anything eaten--yeah, that is one of the not so great sides of the twin experience).  Some very strange sensations seem to come with having four arms and four legs nestled inside.  Someone always seems to be moving or hiccuping or stretching.  With one, you get periods when you can tell the baby is resting, but with twins they are all over the place all the time. I keep thinking they will run out of room yet somehow they just keep stretching things out so they can keep on rocking.

In 11 days we will be at 35 weeks when, should labor strike, I will be allowed to deliver.  Crazy how time is flying and how soon it will all be over.  I wonder if I will miss it so quickly like I did last time or be thankful to have my body back? As much as I am done being pregnant, I have been able to do something that a lot of women can't.  Hubby and I talk about being done, done, done helping others and getting back to our lives but then we have moments where we look at each other and think that if the right people come along and the right situation presents itself, we may consider it again.  The hard part of that is, so many people have been through so much heartache and I know I can't help them all.  There will always be a family with a heartbreaking story and a desire to experience as much of the pregnancy as they can.  There will always be someone that would be a great "match" to help.

I have to get to the point where my family gets me full time, 100% me...no belly, no hormones, no exhaustion.  I guess a lot will depend on how the delivery goes and how the next year moves forward.  So much depends on this delivery and afterward.  My twin experience won't be completed until I am recovered fully which may take weeks or months...and then I guess we will decide what is best for us.  I just feel lucky to be able to have these choices at all.

Reality...or 30 weeks pregnant with twins

I don't know how it really is just now hitting me that, yes, I am pregnant with twins, and yes, they will have to exit my body at some point.  The "some point" is the item that I have been ignoring because surgery seems to be winning over the more familiar form of childbirth for me.  Maybe I should be thankful that my doctor is already talking about a c-section.  After all, the boys have been breech now for the last 8 weeks and I know that for certain I do not want to labor and push one out and then still have to have a c-section for the other.  I guess that really does fall under worst case scenario.  For some reason, the idea of it all just seems overwhelming. Is it wrong to say that I have never felt more fulfilled as when pushing a child into this world?  For surrogacy, it takes it up a notch even higher to bring forth this child and watch the moment when the baby is handed to the parents. I don't want to miss that and surgery seems like it would take it all away. 

I got the call yesterday that my doctor wanted to go ahead and schedule.  All along she had been optimistic about waiting until 32-33 weeks to see if the boys would turn--really if just baby A would turn as she was confident that having the lower baby head down was all I needed to get the "go" for the vaginal delivery.  I have now seen two different doctors since last seeing my own doctor so maybe I will feel better after talking with her tomorrow. The other kicker is that my doc had been talking 36 weeks all along and now the dates that are being considered for surgery will put me at 37weeks2-5days.   Don't get me wrong, I want those boys to cook for as long as possible and that date is fine, but I wish she had told me I would need to do all the way to 39 weeks then surprised me with something in week 37. 

At 30 weeks pregnant, my belly measures what it did at 38 weeks with my last pregnancy.  So as big as I am now, I only had one more week to go.  This go round, I have another 7 weeks left to get even larger.  My plan is to work another four weeks if I can.  Work has make this pregnancy fly by (house hunting/buying/moving and the kids have had something to do with it too) and I am hoping to stay active as long as possible.  It is getting harder and harder just to get dressed in the morning and by the time I have showered, done my make up and hair, gotten the kids breakfast...I am exhausted.  But when I show up to the office, I can still be productive.  If I were at home I am sure I would be resting more, but I would have nothing at all to show for it. 

The next few weeks will be busy and I hope my body continues to plug along showing no signs of change.  My children start school in less than a week, so this weekend will be filled with back to school preparations.  The following weekend my baby sister gets married and we will be busy celebrating from the rehearsal dinner to the wedding, followed by the reception. My kids are both in the wedding and I am something of an "honorary" bridesmaid.  I didn't want to let my sister down if I was unable to stand up with her, but I am getting my hair done and have a dress that coordinates wonderfully with the other bridesmaids. I will just sit myself in the front row wondering where the last ten years have gone since she was just a kid in my own wedding.

I guess there is a lot of reality hitting around here lately, beyond just the pregnancy.  My baby just turned 6.  Birthdays make me think of birth and since I do tend to be very sentimental, I always think back to the moment my children enter the world.  She came into this world so much easier than her brother.  One push and here she was...with me from the moment she was born.  Not whisked away to the NICU or handed off to her parents, but mine.  She was the baby that was born to me and put to my chest right away. With her birth, everything was perfect.  My husband and I had her all to ourselves and in that moment saw our family was complete.  I never had a defining moment with her where I knew all was going to be okay because nothing was ever going wrong. My role as a mom changed that day when I had two children to take care of and knew my world would be different from now on. 

I am thankful that my own children are happy and healthy and that I am blessed enough to give someone else their own children to cherish. I know in my heart that even if I don't get to see these boys delivered directly to their mother's arms, that I will still have created a family and done something very special.  The reality is that two people have waited ten years to have their own children and I am going to make that moment happen.

24 Weeks Already!

Wow! Time is surely flying this go round.  Nothing like the end of school and a big move to really preoccupy you for a while.  The last month has been a whirlwind and luckily, the pregnancy has been nice and boring. 

While 24 weeks doesn't sound like much, when you are carrying someone else's child (or children in this case), knowing you have made it at least to the point of viability does slightly reduce the stress level. Not that I want these boys to be born anytime soon...honestly (and I will kick myself in a few weeks for saying this) but as long as they want to cook, I am happy to grow them.  Little boys, especially, little white boys, have a harder time coming early.  In all of my research and talk with folks in the medical field, it is almost like a joke because the difference can be huge.  Little girl comes early and she does great (for the records, frozen embryos that are female tend to do better and more girl babies are born from IVF done with frozen embryos than little boys)...little boy might have a harder time and even get NICU time versus the female counterpart. 

I do have to admit when I found out it was twins part of me hoped for little girls--I have never gone into labor early (unless you count 39w1d early by some strange means) so I wasn't concerned about having to work hard to maintain twins, but I know the odds for little boys and it does add to the stress level. What reduces the stress level is the fact that at 22w4d the boys were already measuring close to 24weeks and my cervix was twice as long as the length that concerns doctors (5.8 vs the 3 that starts to make them nervous).  So my body is doing what my body is good at...making nice, big babies and for that, I am so thankful right now. 

At the last visit, my uterus was also measuring around 31 weeks...so while I still have another month of my second trimester I am starting to feel like I am halfway through my third.  My maternity support band has been pulled back out and that is helping tremendously.  I get more support for my pelvic floor and my lower back, both of which are feeling the weight of two babies.  I am hopeful that with summer here, I can start to spend more time in a pool getting the benefits of the water weightlessness.  The next seven weeks will be busy and fun while the kids are out of school and we are settling in to the new house, so will continue to keep my fingers crossed that these babies settle in for the long haul and decide that fall is definitely a better time to be born than mid-summer.

And drum roll please...at last check both babies were head down, so until I am told otherwise, I am putting the thoughts of a c-section out of my mind!! Anyone reading needs to say a little prayer that they enjoy being upside down together and decide to stay that way. :-)

And its a....

Set of twin boys!!! The parents came up last week and we had our big anatomy scan that also provided the answer to the much pondered question of what is actually growing in my belly. The boys look great and are already on the big side--my babycenter.com newsletter says that at 20 weeks, they should be around 10.5oz. and we were 19w4d and they were 11oz and 12oz. That is a lot of baby in there at this point.

Our anatomy scan also revealed that any spots of blood inside the uterus are gone...we actually found this out a while back, but well, I have been slack at documenting this go round (I guess when you feel good, you don't sit around at the computer, you get up and do something!).  My cervix is long and my doctor even remarked that I had twice as much as they like to see!! Yay cervix--keeping up with the good ol' uterus. :-)

In the last week or two I have also finally started feeling pregnant. I would never have guessed that twins would have been easier to this point than a singleton, but apparently my body really likes to grow baby boys and little girls tend to make me more tired and nauseated. The neat thing about having a boy and a girl myself means I did experience two very different pregnancies with each of them and my surrogate pregnancies have seemed to follow the same course.

Most people would kill me for saying this, but I went through the first trimester relatively unscathed. I stayed up until 10pm and was still up by 5:30am every day.  I had a few days of feeling yucky but typically as long as I was good about drinking my water and eating often, I did pretty well.  Now by 4pm I am pretty much done. I manage to keep it all going until the 8pm kid bedtime but at that point, I need to get my feet up.  My weight gain has been really good and I think my solid effort to eat plenty of fruits and veggies has made a huge difference.  I let myself eat what I crave if it is convenient.  I haven't had to run out for anything specific just yet and a  most fast food actually makes me feel pretty cruddy.

The parents are getting really excited. Now that they have a gender to work with, they can begin the preparation for their little boys...nurseries and names...it is all very real at this point.  Our Pre-Birth Order is on the way to the hospital attorneys and we have a hearing already on the books.  We need to get a birth plan in order so that all scenarios can be outlined.  I guess the farther we get in the pregancy, the more we can udpate things--very different situations on having pre-term twins at 24 weeks than a spontaneous vaginal birth around 37 weeks.  The babies are still moving a lot so the doctor says we have plenty of time for them to decide that head down is best.  Both babies were very active during our ultrasound and flipped every which way (but head down!) during the course of the two hours.

We go back in about three weeks for a follow up scan and check up.  After that visit at 23 weeks, we will become weekly patients.  While I am glad to be closely monitored, I just hope we can have a nice uneventful summer with quick doctor visits.  My goal is to make it past Labor Day weekend before we have to slow down...my next goal is just to get the kids back in school in early August.  If I need to take it easy, at least they will be busy all day long and rest will be easy.

Its been a while!

Life has been oh so busy...but really, when is life not busy.  The kids are gearing up for year end events at school as I try to figure out what I am going to do with them this summer while I work.  We are actively looking for a new home and the process has not exactly been what I had anticipated...that is a post in itself!  And I am GROWING!

This pregnancy has been by far, the easiest. I am sure that is all build up for what is to come in the next few months.  Four easy months followed by four tough months still seems pretty fair. We will see how I feel three months from now!  My belly is noticeable and I am tring to wear clothing that does emphasize the pregnant belly and not the "wow, you've had too many beers lately" type of belly. 

Work has provided a huge sense of stability and structure to my life too.  Maybe that is contributing to the sense of accomplishment and well-being I am feeling. I think having a set schedule so much of the time makes me more productive, plus I plan out snacks and meals...and I am reminded to drink a ton of water since many people at work are also trying to be healthy and drink up. There are no snack options unless I bring them and I think that has helped keep my weight gain slow and steady (5lbs as of today!).

The surrogacy is moving right along.  In the next few weeks we should have our big anatomy scan to determine that both babies are growing well--and to find out the genders!  We are also finishing up on the Pre-Birth Order (PBO) that will allow the parents name to go on the birth certificate immediately at birth. This is one of the key things to have lined up when doing a surrogacy as you don't want any confusion as to who the babies belong to...not only for distributing hospital bracelets (I don't get one with the babies info--only mom and dad) but also for insurance filing and all kinds of new baby paperwork.  The parents have been so on the ball and their attorney has been great in getting all this lined up.  Having twins made me slightly nervous since they can come earlier than singletons, but I am confident we will be all set in a matter of weeks.

Thinking about the PBO reminds me I need to get started on the birth plan. Our hospital wants to make sure that both my needs and the needs of the parents are met, so we are going to try to outline everyone's general ideas on how we want things to go. Luckily I am pretty easy going at this point and don't have too many demands on the labor time.  I am having to think long and hard about the possibility of a c-section and get everything figured out for that option as well.

I have also been feeling lots of pulling and ligament stretching as I grow.  I look like I am at least 20 weeks pregnant and it is all happening very suddenly. One of my coworkers remarked that she saw me on Thursday and now Tuesday I actually look pregnant!  I do get flutters/movements from the babies now too.  It is comforting to feel a little wiggle every so often, but it is still too early for the large kicks and bumps that truly settle your mind. At last newsletter, the babies each weigh around 5 oz...and 10 oz of baby actually corresponds to 20 weeks so everything must be right on. 

Here we go again...

We had another ultrasound this past Wednesday.  February 29th.  Not a normal day, I guess, and should I have been surprised that I have another big ol' bleed staring at me on the screen??  Last pregnancy we had a little area of concern, blamed it on the fact that we had three embryos and ended with one baby.  This go round we had two embryos put in and we got pregnant with twins.  So my super uterus doesn't seem to understand the happy balance of just enough blood flow...I guess to grow big healthy babies, my blood supply to my uterus goes in total overdrive.  And typically this is a very good thing.  A lot of women I have read about have trouble carrying to term because of poor blood flow to their uterus (at least when all the other crazy things have been ruled out)...but me, I get to carry babies for nine months with potential to bleed the entire time.  Now I always look forward to pregnancy as a time NOT to bleed.  Oh well. At least I am use to it.

Unfortunately, the IM (intended mother) is not.  And we aren't officially turned over to my doctor yet and all doctors involved seemed to be unavailable Thursday and then out of the office on Friday. I feel comfortable with the pregnancy and with the bleed because I have been down this road with a wonderful birth waiting at the end. But she is very nervous as she has a history of blood equaling loss. With no one around to answer her questions, her anxiety and worry are only growing.

We are lucky to have an ideal situation--if extra blood can be considered ideal--because the blood is far away from the beautifully growing babies and doesn't seem to be impacting them at all. And both babies are the exact same size, with heart-rates that are even similar.  The blood is near my cervix though, which means I am in for it at some point. The doc even asked if I carry around pads because I am probably going to need one when that moment comes.  Great.  So I get to be minding my own business somewhere one day when the bottom is going to drop out.  And to make it even crazier...my doc is actually rooting for that to happen as once the blood is out, it is out and can't cause trouble. 

I vividly remember the bottom dropping out during my last pregnancy and thinking that all was lost.  I feel more relaxed knowing what I went through last time and have even more confidence in my body. I just wish that a doctor was around to reassure the IPs that all will be well and in 30 weeks or so, two perfect little babies will be delivered right into their arms.  Its going to be a long weekend, but it might also make for an even longer feeling pregnancy.

On a side note, I told both kids that we are growing twins for another family. They both thought it was simply awesome.  Eleanor quickly added that now she needed to make two diaper cakes...

Understanding

So I haven't actually told the kids that we are pregnant.  We have mentioned it to them that mommy wants to help another family and wants to be pregnant again, but not actually gone so far as to share the news. 

The other day I got some great pictures of Baby A from her parents.  I pulled them up on the computer to show Alex and asked if he knew who that baby was or who those happy looking people were with her.  When he realized who she was, I told him that we all worked really hard to grow that baby for her parents and now they are so happy every single day because they have her.

I told him I wanted to help another mommy that couldn't grow her own baby...his first response was "not again!"...but I hugged him close and told him that it means a lot to me to help someone.  He asked how a tummy can be broken and why I can grow babies when others can't.  To use a really bad example, I reminded him of when he needed his adenoids out.  They weren't helping him and actually causing trouble for him--I was trying to explain how sometimes our bodies just don't work like they are supposed to and what works on one person might not work on someone else. I didn't want to get into anything too scary and I wanted to keep my explanations completely understandable.  It seemed to make sense to him fairly quickly and we spent a few minutes talking about various other things that don't always work--your eyes, tonsils, gallbladder...he'll probably laugh at me down the road when he realized how horrible my comparision of a broken uterus was to a broken gallbladder.

He still seemed a little hesitant so we looked back at all the photos, then I just looked him in the eye and said that it would break my heart not to have him.  I would want him even if my belly was broken. He looked like he was going to cry when I said that.  So I told him that maybe we would try to grow two babies this time and he thought that sounded cool. I love how a little bit of spin can totally change the situation for an almost 8 year old.

Surrogacy is a huge family event.  Everyone feels the effects of a pregnant mommy, even when you aren't preparing to bring a baby home.  The nausea, exhaustion, cravings, aversions...the kids notice even when you don't think they do. They can tell something is up.  I try to make it all a very positive experience, like enjoying McD's more often or giving in to little requests...I also try to remind my family and friends why I do this...it isn't about any type of recognition or compensation...its because my world revolves around my family and I would do whatever I needed to in order to have my family.

If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would want someone willing to grow my child when I could not.  I can only hope I would be as wonderful as the two couples I have worked with...trusting me to do what is right for their child during this critical nine month period.  I have a huge responsibility but I couldn't do it alone.  Just like raising children takes a village, it seems that just growing one does too.

Its officially, official!

So at last update, I was describing all the behind the scenes of surrogacy.  Since then, life has been busy with Christmas and a surprise Disney trip for the kids as well as getting back to a routine after the holiday crazies. 

Things on the surrogacy front went as planned and on January 20, 2012 we transferred two perfect 5 day old embryos.  January 25th, I got my first positive home test. January 30th was our official beta (blood pregnancy test).  We had a great first number.  We are officially pregnant.  We had follow up blood tests two days later and then a week after that.  All numbers were strong and doubling within 38 hours. I was told I could resume all regular activities as I had been sort of on "light duty" since the IVF.  It is now more than official, my super uterus has had another positive on the first go. What are the chances of getting pregnant the first time you try, four times in a row?  I guess that is one of the reasons I am a great candidate to be a surrogate.

You really have to try to see the traditional tests, but the digi doesn't lie!



I am still on oral estrogen three times a day and actually increased progesterone to three times daily as well (luckily only one of those is the injection).  The meds will continue until March 4th when I am officially 9 weeks pregnant.  That day always comes with excitement and worry--so glad to be done with things but concern that my body isn't ready to do it all alone.

I have been surprised at how well I am feeling and while I know each pregnancy is different, I still anticipate certain symptoms.  Overall I feel good.  I have enough energy on my work days and haven't needed to nap. The nausea is mild and if I can eat something (preferably salty) when that feeling hits, it pretty much goes away.  No bloating, no tenderness...just a body that seems completely normal but is actually gestating as I type.

The parents are excited.  This is a totally new feeling for them and I can't even imagine having hope after all they have gone through, but they do.  I think they want to be over the moon and relaxed, but until delivery day, everything is still just detached enough that it doesn't seem real.  Hopefully when we get further than they ever have, they will be able to relax.  All I know is that I am praying for a very normal, healthy pregnancy that goes as long as it can.

And we found out today that there are TWO babies.  My last pregnancy, my last surrogacy, will be completely new and different.  I am excited and nervous and scared...but willing to do whatever it takes to keep these babies cooking as long as possible.  Hoping that my experience growing big babies has been practice for this final show.  I have always wanted to carry twins and now I get a chance.  An amazing couple will get to complete their family all at once and I can know that I have given someone exactly what I already have--two amazing children to love.

PS. I am not officially, official anywhere else than my small group that follows me here.  I will do an official annoucement after the first trimester!!

We're moving right along!

One part that sort of goes unnoticed when being a surrogate is all the "behind the scenes" work between doctors offices, attorneys, intended parents and the actual surrogate.  That part isn't really that fun to write about but it does provide a little back drop to anyone really wanting to know how this whole surrogacy thing works.

When I first met my IPs in person, their Reproductive Endocrinologist gave my uterus a quick look and did a basic review of my medical history.  This past Monday (Dec. 5th), I had to set up an appointment with my own doctor for blood work (no one goes into this process without being tested for a million and one things--regulations on IVF and anything that involves taking something from someone and putting it elsewhere, medically speaking, is strictly monitored).  I also had to have a sonohystogram--the doctor uses saline to fill up my uterus and views it all via ultrasound. Completely painless and it gives a great picture of the true state of my uterus...checking for any endometriosis, polyps, blockages...anything that could cause any trouble during the IVF procedure. 

The doctor I saw at my OBGYN and he is the same doctor that my last IPs originally starting working with 8 years ago.  He handled all the monitoring of my first surrogacy and it is wonderful to have such a familiar and encouraging face to interact with once again.  Although, I must say, familiarity and comfort is one thing but to be told by a medical professional that you have one of the best uteri (is that the plural of uterus??) in town is somewhere between awesome and kind of creepy.  I guess for a surrogate, that type of phrasing is like getting all "A's" on your report card--but I really didn't have anything to do with the state of my uterus, I was just born this way.

Monday I also mailed our final contract to the IPs attorney.  Having that 30 page book out of my hands is a good feeling. So much is discussed during the contract and so many different scenarios have to be discussed.  Plus all the financial talks happen during the contract stage and that is typically the hardest part for my independent matches.  Luckily I had put together a nice financial calendar so everything was discussed via email and settled on before the atttorneys even got involved.

I do feel good knowing that having this awesome uterus, it is getting put to good use.  I never would have thought that "gestating" would be something I was given by God, but surprises abound. I am still excited to continue to have a great relationship with my last IPs and they are cheering on this next couple too.  Surrogacy will always be a part of who I am, no matter where I am on this path of life.  Being able to share something as amazing as motherhood, is something I will always value.  I truly feel blessed to be able to do this for someone else.  My life was enriched by my last IPs and just knowing them...I feel like this is already happening with this next couple as well.  We come into people's lives are different times for different purposes and reasons...in as much as I have changed the lives of two people, they have also changed mine. 

And we also have a date for our IVF transfer--January 20th.  Whatever happens, 2012 is going to be just as rewarding as 2011.

Meeting the Parents

Its a funny thing when you talk about meeting someones parents...its really sort of crazy when that someone hasn't been born yet, but you are meeting the people that want them here so badly.  I met a great couple yesterday.  A couple that technically are parents, to four embryos carefully frozen at their RE's office.  Four beautiful embryos (they would only transfer 2 at at time) that are ready to be given a chance to grow in the right environment...my environment.  I got the thumbs up with the "A+ Uterus" seal of approval from the doc, so we spent most of the evening talking and getting to know each other in person.  There have been lots of emails over the last few weeks, a few texts and a single voicemail.  It is amazing how you can hear kindness instantly in some people.  And it is wonderful when your gut is right and you meet two people and instantly have to hug them.

The thing about meeting two people in this particular situation is that the actual meeting is something like a job interview and something like a first date.  You want them to like you and you want to like them, but you also want to make sure that everyone is comfortable enough to be honest.  This whole process requires people to really get down to the nitty-gritty and think of things they would rather not.  Some pretty dire situations have to be discussed and everything spelled out because it all has to be put into a contract. You have to agree to worst case situations before there are any situations--because later on hormones are involved and no telling how rational anyone will be then. 

The other part is that they have been through so much.  I am excited to help and eager to see the whole process unfold...but they have been repeatedly broken hearted and have to be cautious.  I have seen that look before and know it well, and fortunately I was able to watch as the caution slowly melted away into excitement.  God has a plan for us all and I think being an experienced surrogate is exactly what this couple needs.  They need a little hope and I hope I can give that to them.

I had been worried that after knowing J&M and working with them so closely since they were local, that it would be hard to connect with anyone else.  I know this experience will be very different, yet I think it will also be just as wonderful.  I met two people yesterday that need to be parents.  You could see in their faces and hear it in their voices when they spoke of how far they had gone just to get to this point. They need to have a child of their very own and this is the path they must take to make it a reality.

Oh and on a positive note already, the doc has a different protocol that uses less injections (no lupron this time) and estrogen by mouth instead of a million patches all at once.  We will even be going into this process with higher odds than the last go round--and we got pregnant the first try!